"It's absolutely none of your business"

[Aworldofwonder]

I don't know if I'm just exasperated today but this is really getting on my nerves - both here (I've been on way more than usual) and IRL.

I feel we are not allowed to comment or have any opinion on things that go on around us.

Some examples -

There was a thread about parents ignoring their children in favour of their phones.

At a recent in person gathering the topic of Ozempic sales came up followed by a very heated discussion about rising obesity related illnesses and the impact on the health services.

Another recent thread here about people not choosing not to work; I know multiple people choosing not to work as they do better on benefits.

I have loads and loads more examples (excessive drinking, drugs, adults unable to cook or have basic life skills, insurance fraud) but it's the same premise

I'm really sick of not being allowed have any opinion on this stuff in a general way without being labelled judgemental.

I get that they don't impact me directly. But we live in a society, I do believe we are all connected and I think we have a shared responsibility to create a better environment for us all to share.

Slightly off the point but I also hate a justification along the lines of "well I do X so it's ok; nothing wrong with me" I'm thinking particularly of that thread about parents being on their phones. What's so hard about admitting yes I do this, I don't know if it's great parental behaviour.

I've found with longer term friends I'm labelled a hypocrite if behaviour I engaged in when young is not behaviour I want my own DC doing or ideally anyone's ; for example I really hope she doesn't take drugs or put herself in risky positions like I did. In short, I've learned from those experiences and want to protect her.

If society is raising dysfunctional adults, if as humans we are becoming sicker, less able bodied, more disconnected, more selfish etc... why can't we discuss it?

Yabu - MYOB, you're just looking for an excuse to be judgemental and feel superior
Yanbu - it's fine to discuss these things in a general manner

You are definitely not being unreasonable at all @Aworldofwonder

but it's worth saying , this is AIBU

A forum where people delight in taking the contrary position to an OP, just to make them feel awkward for even raising the issue.

The person replying to the OP may not even have that opinion, or even care that deeply, but they delight in trying to make that OP feel very small for wanting to control their life in a certain way, or wanting better for themselves.

I think you just need to own it… you want to be judgemental but don’t want to be called judgemental, tough crap. If you want to judge then judge away, we all do it. Why should you be able to call out others but expect not to be called out yourself?

Same with being a hypocrite regarding your kids behaviour. Why be whiny about it? With my kids it’s yeah I’m a hypocrite but I’ve learnt from that and I’m passing that on to you…

You can’t have everything OP so just own it.

I agree with you OP. Sometimes I feel like whatever I say will offend someone. This comment will probably offend someone. What can you do? 😅

Agree. It seems to be a bit of a “thing” on Mumsnet. There will always be posters piling on to say “it’s none of your business”.

I don’t think it’s so common in real life. In real life I find people are a bit more ok with holding people accountable or pointing out bad behaviour.

It wouldn’t make for much of a civilisation if everyone lived by the “let everyone do what they want and just keep your nose out” principle.

We’re humans. We need direction and guidance and feedback on how to behave.

I just think the vast majority of us are hypocritical without realising it and the sooner that is recognised by everyone, the easier discussions will become

A forum where people delight in taking the contrary position to an OP, just to make them feel awkward for even raising the issue.

This and remember if everyone minded their business then MNs wouldn't exist...

Ha exactly !

The whole "mind your own business, OP" is not a statement, or a real request.

It is a put down from someone who feels affronted that the topic has been raised in the first place.

How are you being prevented?

Sorry I don't understand. I'm talking about behaviours in general not individual people.

So, say for example

• I think parents spend too much time on their phones now and it's not good for their relationships with kids

Furious replies (here or IRL)
I've seen you on your phone!
Some parents are exhausted, who are you to judge?

Or another example (irl)
I don't know if we will stay living in this area, drug dealers have moved in and it's getting worse

Replies
It's not so long since you would have been pleased to see them!
They aren't bothering you

To summarise, you want to discuss and judge others, but don't want others to discuss and judge you for being judgemental?

As for this: If society is raising dysfunctional adults, if as humans we are becoming sicker, less able bodied, more disconnected, more selfish etc... I'm judging you for making such a sweeping, simplistic and negative statement about really complicated and wide ranging things that I'm guessing you don't really know much about.

It sounds like you want to be able to express your opinion on what others say or do without challenge. It doesn't work like that.

Yes, I agree with this. It seems you want to be able to express an opinion, but you don’t want others to if they disagree with you.

So how are you prevented from giving your opinion?

You can give your opinion.

If what you want is to give your opinion and nobody is allowed to disagree with you then you're out of luck.

So you want to give your opinion and have nobody reply? Or only if they agree with you?

Gosh this! So much this. So OP is happy to be all judgy towards everyone on her list but doesn’t like anyone else keeping their own list??

So as long as everyone agrees with you, you’re fine? Ridiculous!!

Interesting replies so far.

Mainly I think it's ok to have ideals even if we / I don't always achieve them.

Say for example;

I don't think it's bad for parents to research methods to try to stop their teens underage drinking... Even if they themselves did behind their parents' backs or even if they know it's likely to happen anyway.

They can still say "it would be better for my kids if they didn't underage drink, I am hoping that's what happens"

It's not an attack on other parents who got a call to say their DC was in hospital having their stomach pumped.

It's not saying they have a foolproof prevention strategy.

It's something they are hoping to achieve and an acknowledgement that it would be better for the kids.

Very true. I think we all judge too, how else do we decide what we like and what we don’t

You're not wrong.

It's none of your business is a silencing tactic, sometimes uttered by those lamenting how difficult parenting can be and wondering where the village went! Which only proves that we are all flawed, imperfect and hypocritical at times but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have difficult conversations about issues affecting society as a whole or that any attempt to initiate such a discussion is always motivated by hate or ignorance.

Thank you so much. You have expressed it far better than me.

Mainly I think it's ok to have ideals even if we / I don't always achieve them.

So long as you accept that applies equally to all. So if people can't judge you for not achieving your ideals, then equally you shouldn't judge others.

But I'm not talking about individual people. I'm talking about general behaviours -

Eg.

"DH and I have made an agreement we are going to do much more cooking and involve the DC. We had gotten very lazy about it Apparently more and more adults are not able to cook and this is a toll on their health. Does anyone have any easy recipes?"

Who are you to be so judgemental?
Like you've never ordered a takeout, I've had plenty in your house / you posted the other day about ordering in; look I've found you post AHA
Some families don't have the luxury of time to cook
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being able to cook (actually this one I can kind of get on board with as it's actually referring to the matter at hand)
Who are you to comment on how people feed their kids?
Ordering a takeout is one of our family traditions, so sad you are too uptight to enjoy it

They are something to be worked towards.

This is a serious question to whoever would like to answer;

Do you spent time thinking about how you want your lives to be, making plans (loose or concrete) and / or discussing with your partner. Ok that was a multi faceted question but answer any part of it.

Or are you more in the camp that life is in motion, just keep going

To have an opinion does not mean involving oneself in others business. Having an opinion also does not mean being judgemental. I think sometimes terminology is used incorrectly/interchangeably and this causes problems.

'Why can't I just sneer at people in peace' 😂

Well, exactly.