"It's absolutely none of your business"

[Aworldofwonder]

I don't know if I'm just exasperated today but this is really getting on my nerves - both here (I've been on way more than usual) and IRL.

I feel we are not allowed to comment or have any opinion on things that go on around us.

Some examples -

There was a thread about parents ignoring their children in favour of their phones.

At a recent in person gathering the topic of Ozempic sales came up followed by a very heated discussion about rising obesity related illnesses and the impact on the health services.

Another recent thread here about people not choosing not to work; I know multiple people choosing not to work as they do better on benefits.

I have loads and loads more examples (excessive drinking, drugs, adults unable to cook or have basic life skills, insurance fraud) but it's the same premise

I'm really sick of not being allowed have any opinion on this stuff in a general way without being labelled judgemental.

I get that they don't impact me directly. But we live in a society, I do believe we are all connected and I think we have a shared responsibility to create a better environment for us all to share.

Slightly off the point but I also hate a justification along the lines of "well I do X so it's ok; nothing wrong with me" I'm thinking particularly of that thread about parents being on their phones. What's so hard about admitting yes I do this, I don't know if it's great parental behaviour.

I've found with longer term friends I'm labelled a hypocrite if behaviour I engaged in when young is not behaviour I want my own DC doing or ideally anyone's ; for example I really hope she doesn't take drugs or put herself in risky positions like I did. In short, I've learned from those experiences and want to protect her.

If society is raising dysfunctional adults, if as humans we are becoming sicker, less able bodied, more disconnected, more selfish etc... why can't we discuss it?

Yabu - MYOB, you're just looking for an excuse to be judgemental and feel superior
Yanbu - it's fine to discuss these things in a general manner

The thing is, yes, as you say, anyone is entitled to an opinion, but most of the public are quite ill informed on matters and are just sat behind a keyboard or whatever spouting their unpleasantness without considering any nuance of a situation, that’s what people have a problem with. There’s nothing wrong with a debate or discussion about things, but if you’re going to have a derogatory, ignorant opinion about something, you need to expect push back.

You only have to see on here with the amount of crap that gets posted that people haven’t a bloody clue what they are talking about, and I make a conscious effort not to comment on things on don’t know about.

Just as you’re allowed an opinion, someone else is allowed to hold the opinion that you’re judgemental if that’s their perception of you, and you can’t control that either.

I don’t really care what you ‘find’ about me, that’s up to you isn’t it? 🤣 it has no effect on my life whatsoever so I’m not going to waste any time or energy on it.

OP, I fully agree with you. All the examples you listed actually do affect you - through taxes if nothing else. And this does include poor parenting, because the consequence is awful schools, crime rates etc

A person not considering the nuance of a situation is infuriating. And I concede that yes many people post or hold court on things they know nothing about, they just want to share their drivel.

And maybe we (collectively) are so jaded with that we jump to conclusions that's where any sincere 'AIBU to ask about' is inevitably headed.

Judgement is how we enforce standards of behaviour. It's what made drink driving unacceptable when the law wasn't enough of an incentive.

Drink driving is against the law yet people do it and post about it here. Where do you think judgement makes any sort of difference? I wish it actually did, it would have a point then but people still drink and drive in spite of it. There's no enforcement of standards of behaviour however much people like to think there is - and drink driving really is everyone's business.

I'm not trying to catch you out at all. I was initially interested in your first post to post myself. I interpret what I read just like anybody else. You're not interested in my input so I won't waste your time or mine.

Judgement makes a huge difference in this situation in my opinion.

It was against the law in the 90s when my parents' friends used to come for dinner parties, fall down the front steps and stumble into their cars. Ironically most of them were barristers, lawyers or even one time a high court judge. Despicable behaviour.

A few of older siblings' friends did it on a lesser basis for a few years.

My friends never did it. It would have been called out immediately. Occasionally someone new to the group would but the reaction and judgement definitely put a stop to it at least in our company.

So there is an example of something that was not strictly speaking impacting me as I didn't drive for many years but was my opinion not valid?

Yep!

The ones judging your perceived judginess are so often strident in their own self righteousness.

Exactly, this is my point too. You can think someone makes a stupid decision and sometimes even get angry, but it’s not going to get any better because you’re not in control of it. Judging is mainly about making yourself feel better and more moral. You don’t know what goes on in someone else’s life or head so there’s no real point to it.

You can judge an addict for taking drugs, but you haven’t lived their life and don’t know why, and it’s not going to make any difference to the situation. People just judge because they want to feel better than a ‘scumbag druggy’ or whatever. That’s it.

Calling benefit claimants ‘scroungers’ and dehumanising them is meant to make the person doing the judging feel better about their own life because they are supposedly more moral and hardworking than someone on benefits. I understand the annoyance if they think someone is committing fraud but Joe Public isn’t qualified to make that decision, and your taxes do not reduce as a result of someone being denied benefits, so there is no point getting worked up about what others do. It’s a waste. Live your own life.

You're deluded if you think common societal opinions don't influence people.

Of course there will be a minority of people who think the unspoken rules don't apply to them or have issues that make it difficult to follow rules but society clearly shapes behaviour in general if not universally.

Yes I fully agree with every word here.

Calling people scumbag druggies... How do you know how you would have fared in their life? And when people start the "well in my home / my kids / we were taught... " That is the whole point - you are looking at their actions through the lens of your past experiences.

But -
"I was in the city yesterday in an area where we used to go drinking all the time after work. We were sitting outside the bar. Every few minutes we were interrupted by someone asking for spare change, or someone getting sick. Fights broke out. There were needles flung in the corner. It was frightening and we ended up both getting taxis as we didn't feel safe walking to the train What has happened to the city?"

This is a standard topic of conversation where I'm from. And I think it's a necessary one. There are reasons it is happening.

The same with benefits. I think it's fine to be interested. But if you haven't lived it, you don't know. If you're going to have a conversation ask questions and if you find someone willing to discuss then listen with interest and no judgement.

Prejudice, arrogance, defensiveness and aggression all get in the way of us actually making any progress as a society.

Societal opinions definitely influence people proportionally over a period of time.

Think of how it was fine to smoke around children at one point.
Or leave dog poo all over the street?

YANBU it’s okay to have a different opinion, it’s going to be pretty boring if everyone agrees!

This is a great example of someone needing to give their view when they know nothing about the subject.

It's extremely well documented how societal attitude change led to a huge decline in drink driving, and a fascinating case study of how behavioural standards are upheld.

"no you just feel you should be able to do that... " Ok now I've filed you in the 'she has f all of value to contribute' box.

Who are you to tell anyone now they feel?

You appear to be telling us that judging is a good thing, we all do it but lie about it because we aren't as honest as you.

How about some of us try our best not to be judgemental but don't always succeed as at the end of the day nobody is perfect?

Or when I say that I don't mind if somebody disagrees with me once they don't tell me I shouldn't have an opinion... I actually mean it and was making a different point altogether. Because you know, people are different.

That’s true, but that depends what people are judging. Judging an addict has more chance of making the situation worse for them than influencing anything positive, for instance. A person being ostracised for something that others think is wrong is probably going to sink lower. Sure, most people think, ‘I better not do this because people will judge me’ which is good sometimes, but for many people it just seems to make them more depressed, I doubt they are considering what others will think of them, nor do they care when they’re about to shoot up!

Also if someone is the kind of person to lack morals and disobey the law to drink drive or commit fraud anyway they aren’t going to give a shit what anyone else thinks regardless 😂 They just knock about with like minded people who validate their choices and not give a crap what outsiders think. Sometimes, judgement just makes people reluctant to talk about things that really should be discussed!

I just can’t be bothered to be permanently annoyed about other people’s choices. It’s exhausting and smacks of insecurity a lot of the time.

Apologies, I didn't mean to touch such a nerve and was actually agreeing with you for the most part. I thought you must realise that you aren't being stopped from posting your opinion.