"It's absolutely none of your business"

[Aworldofwonder]

I don't know if I'm just exasperated today but this is really getting on my nerves - both here (I've been on way more than usual) and IRL.

I feel we are not allowed to comment or have any opinion on things that go on around us.

Some examples -

There was a thread about parents ignoring their children in favour of their phones.

At a recent in person gathering the topic of Ozempic sales came up followed by a very heated discussion about rising obesity related illnesses and the impact on the health services.

Another recent thread here about people not choosing not to work; I know multiple people choosing not to work as they do better on benefits.

I have loads and loads more examples (excessive drinking, drugs, adults unable to cook or have basic life skills, insurance fraud) but it's the same premise

I'm really sick of not being allowed have any opinion on this stuff in a general way without being labelled judgemental.

I get that they don't impact me directly. But we live in a society, I do believe we are all connected and I think we have a shared responsibility to create a better environment for us all to share.

Slightly off the point but I also hate a justification along the lines of "well I do X so it's ok; nothing wrong with me" I'm thinking particularly of that thread about parents being on their phones. What's so hard about admitting yes I do this, I don't know if it's great parental behaviour.

I've found with longer term friends I'm labelled a hypocrite if behaviour I engaged in when young is not behaviour I want my own DC doing or ideally anyone's ; for example I really hope she doesn't take drugs or put herself in risky positions like I did. In short, I've learned from those experiences and want to protect her.

If society is raising dysfunctional adults, if as humans we are becoming sicker, less able bodied, more disconnected, more selfish etc... why can't we discuss it?

Yabu - MYOB, you're just looking for an excuse to be judgemental and feel superior
Yanbu - it's fine to discuss these things in a general manner

Sorry OP, I have jumped straight to replying to you instead of reading the full thread because I agree with everything you’re saying.
It happens a lot on here I think because people like to be kind of edgy I suppose? Like you will nearly always find posters trying to find SOME way of putting the OP down because it’s like sport to them.

So it goes like this:
AIBU to think that parents spend too much time on their phones around their kids.
Replies:
”oh my god, you are SO judgemental! Who are you to judge someone based on a snap shot of their day, are you always like this? Mind your own business”

The irony being that they have literally just been judgemental towards the OP AND judged them based on a snapshot of their day (I.e. the post they put up on a forum)
It makes me roll my eyes, hard.
Of course we are allowed to have opinions and judge what we consider to be extreme behaviours. Society keeps itself in check largely by certain things being social taboo rather than illegal - for fear of being judged by our peers. We are social animals and this should absolutely be the case. There are plenty of behaviours people don’t engage in in public that aren’t illegal but others would consider ‘rude’ - which is a judgement in itself

You've lost me, I thought your thread was about people saying 'it's none of your business', but now you say this isn't what gets said to you

You're right with the edgy thing. It's probably not a good reflection on my happiness levels that it is actually getting me down. I've been sitting around in waiting rooms for two days spending way too much time reading this site and it's left me genuinely feeling blue.

The crazy rush to shut down the OP first, often with so much vitriol. There was a thread about an Indian buffet and some horrible poster was taunting the OP then accusing her of having anger issues. The OP was holding her own but why should she have to? It was horrible to read.

And then there are the really genuinely sad posts, most posters will be really supportive but there are always a few kicking them when they are so vulnerable.

I know the answer is just to step away from the site, it's not doing me any good to think that this place is representative of people in general.

Sorry I went way off topic there but thank you very much for your lengthy and well thought out post.

"It's none of your business" is the main response that I see on this site.

It's the shutting down of discussion over an emerging situation, trend in society etc that people are directly involved with but indirectly affected by.

*not directly involved with

...as newspapers, gossip columns, magazines, reality TV....

Yeah but isn't this a discussion forum?

So what is it's purpose other than to discuss things anonymously?

People here are always firing off accusations of the OP shaming others. But the OP is usually (in my opinion) trying to work through their own feelings on a situation with a person without gossiping in circles who know said person.

And where is the line on what is our business and what isn't?

I am agreeing with the OP. My examples are of other sources of discussion. I agree and understand.

You’re doing it right now!

They might be attempting to shut down the thread. But they are not actually able to do so. Even if they report a post it's up to Mumsnet to choose to delete it or not. That's the beauty of these forums - 15 posters might say "that's none of your business" but if even one person responds differently well you're sway.

@Aworldofwonder

[MN] It seems to be filled with a combination of nonstop aggression and ridicule.

Yes! I agree! 🫤

I’ve literally never seen this happen.

Your examples don’t really resonate.

The OP from the phones thread was judgemental because she seemed to have more ire for women on phones than men, typical sexism.

This is basically a woman issue and comes from excessive #bekind and a terror of being seen as "judgemental" (which is apparently the worst thing its possible to be, for reasons which noone can really explain).

No group of men having a conversation about wider social issues would ever use "its none of your business" to shut down discussion when talking about broader social issues

If everyone minded their business, conversation wouldn't exist and we'd still be hunkering down in caves, wondering if there was a way to heat food!

OP, I might have an opinion on the points you raised. My thoughts are none of your business, though ...

No group of men having a conversation about wider social issues would ever use "its none of your business" to shut down discussion when talking about broader social issues

Of course they would. Anyone is capable of trying to shut down debate. Most of the idiot comments on youtube are by men, for example, all trying to shut each other down.

And it’s judgemental when women are preached to for things both men and women do, such as on the put away your phones thread.

But it can also be said if what works for you, generally speaking, then it works for you I FF and people can say what they want about the fact my baby was fed formula, nothing anyone says changes the fact it worked for me so I genuinley do not care what people say about it on a personal level

But I am happy to give my opnion or hear others opinions on this one example, but I am speaking of anything, I care what people close to me think in a normal way but I care nothing about peoples opinions in general but very happy to discuss any topic

having discussions on here or IRL is full of my own and others opinions it makes up the world

I've found with longer term friends I'm labelled a hypocrite if behaviour I engaged in when young is not behaviour I want my own DC doing or ideally anyone's ; for example I really hope she doesn't take drugs or put herself in risky positions like I did. In short, I've learned from those experiences and want to protect her.

Are you honest with your kids that you used to take drugs? If old friends are calling you a hypocrite it sounds like you are not honest with them. Which makes you a hypocrite.
You want to point out others flaws while pretending you don't have any to the old friends who know you do..

It's none of my business cause you're a hypocrite and I won't bother with that because it's lying. You're a liar

Keep your cornflakes covered.

I do think the biggest area where discussion is shutdown is benefits. No one seems to be allowed to discuss benefit fraud or how much benefit people get without being told it’s none of their business.

I find I judge much less since I got older and stopped judging myself so much. The fact of the matter is, we don’t know what is going on in other people’s lives or the complexities of why they do what they do, and not a single one of us is qualified to pass opinion on every aspect of another person’s life because humans are not one dimensional and their thought processes and behaviour are all different. Learn to stop judging and concentrate on your own life. I promise, you’ll be much happier. When we start comparing ourselves, we become bitter and unhappy.

You can make observational judgements about how someone presents themselves, but you can’t truly know why someone behaves the way they do. Hell, the majority of people struggle to explain themselves, never mind others.

Who really cares who uses ozempic, or claims benefits that YOU have judged they don’t deserve? It’s highly unlikely your taxes are paying for them because most people don’t pay enough tax to even cover their own needs, never mind others. It’s not your problem so there’s no point worrying about it. It’s their lookout if they get caught lying. You can’t control others.

It’s ok to be judgemental sometimes. The parent that beat their child in the street absolutely deserved to be challenged. And there are plenty of net contributors, they’re just not allowed an opinion.

Several people on that thread completely ignored the fact that both parents were on the train. It was all about how awful the mother is for daring to be on her phone at 11pm (probably desperate for baby to drop off to sleep).

It’s part of the human condition to judge sometimes and I’d be lying if I said i didn’t, I said I do it much less. I don’t make judgements about people just by looking at them for instance.

I don’t judge people who the rest of society deems ‘’low class’’ or chavs to make myself feel better than them because I haven’t lived their lives. I don’t judge benefit claimants as scroungers even if I know them because I realise there might be things they don’t want to tell me or whatever. I don’t judge fat people as lazy and greedy because I don’t know what lead them there, ditto drug addicts and alcoholics. I’m in no position to judge another human being. Just because I would make a different choice it doesn’t make me better.

People really need to focus on themselves a bit more and do things that make them happy rather than making themselves miserable by constant judging of others.

I don’t make judgements about people just by looking at them for instance.

Unfortunately, it’s been proven that we all do this. Or maybe fortunately. It’s ok to trust your gut instinct. What’s not ok is to be racist, ageist, sexist etc. I don’t judge benefit claimants as scroungers either, I was a FSM child and my beloved mum is on PC and PIP. But I often see people being shut down for even asking questions.

Exactly!