"It's absolutely none of your business"

[Aworldofwonder]

I don't know if I'm just exasperated today but this is really getting on my nerves - both here (I've been on way more than usual) and IRL.

I feel we are not allowed to comment or have any opinion on things that go on around us.

Some examples -

There was a thread about parents ignoring their children in favour of their phones.

At a recent in person gathering the topic of Ozempic sales came up followed by a very heated discussion about rising obesity related illnesses and the impact on the health services.

Another recent thread here about people not choosing not to work; I know multiple people choosing not to work as they do better on benefits.

I have loads and loads more examples (excessive drinking, drugs, adults unable to cook or have basic life skills, insurance fraud) but it's the same premise

I'm really sick of not being allowed have any opinion on this stuff in a general way without being labelled judgemental.

I get that they don't impact me directly. But we live in a society, I do believe we are all connected and I think we have a shared responsibility to create a better environment for us all to share.

Slightly off the point but I also hate a justification along the lines of "well I do X so it's ok; nothing wrong with me" I'm thinking particularly of that thread about parents being on their phones. What's so hard about admitting yes I do this, I don't know if it's great parental behaviour.

I've found with longer term friends I'm labelled a hypocrite if behaviour I engaged in when young is not behaviour I want my own DC doing or ideally anyone's ; for example I really hope she doesn't take drugs or put herself in risky positions like I did. In short, I've learned from those experiences and want to protect her.

If society is raising dysfunctional adults, if as humans we are becoming sicker, less able bodied, more disconnected, more selfish etc... why can't we discuss it?

Yabu - MYOB, you're just looking for an excuse to be judgemental and feel superior
Yanbu - it's fine to discuss these things in a general manner

@arcticpandas very good points thanks. It's not really my posts though (which woukf make sense because i would be the common denominator) but many threads.

That "it's absolutely none of your business" response feels like censorship to me. Why aren't we allowed discuss situations or things going on around us?

One OP one time posted about the area she lived in going to rack and ruin since COVID. It didn't feel safe, shops boarded up, people drinking on the streets all day, it felt menacing. She was asking was this consistent with other areas of the UK. People kept sneering at why it bothered her, suggesting she go about her own business etc, saying she looked down on people.

Maybe she wanted to know if there was any point moving. Maybe she wanted to feel some solidarity. Maybe she wanted to hear theories of what caused this but plans for improvement.

But she had to keep justifying her right to have an opinion.

'It's none of your business' is just another opinion though, isn't it? There's no veto there, it's simply a judgement in the same way that the original opinion was and I'm sure it's ignored more than complied with.

I find it odd when people have strong opinions on things that don’t concern them.

Other people’s bodies will never concern.

People on benefits do because I have to curtail my life to pay for theirs.

I'm totally with you on other people's bodies. For example an old friend comes to visit and a family member says "god they've really gained weight haven't they?" Just fuck OFF, what's the point of that comment? And what do you want an explanation for?

But I feel differently about (hypothetically) sitting with same old friend flicking through old photos and observing
"Look at us and all the other twenty year olds around us. We look different to how that same age group do now. Everybody is very slim then but nobody looks fit. They are all much more about muscle now"

And then a conversation might ensue about how attitudes to fitness have changed etc.

You can have an opinion on things that don't concern you. But people will judge you both for expressing those opinions and for the content of those opinions. They're entitled to their opinions too, even if it's that you're a nosy so-and-so who should keep out of others' business.

But if your first instinct on a chat forum is to think you shouldn’t have an opinion, then perhaps chat forums aren’t for you.

This is fair.

It depends on how people approach a question, though.

'AIBU to think young children nowadays get too much screen-time and parents need to do more to limit this' - fine. It's an important and controversial topic, especially for those of us who worked with young children during Covid and were expected to put our toddlers in front of a screen for 8 hours a day.

'I'm outraged that a young mother I saw put cartoons on her phone to stop her child screaming on the bus. What is the world coming to?' - annoying. If you tried foaming at the mouth openly at me and my kids, I'd tell you where to go.

'Please, please, please put away your phones' (recent thread directed at parents of young children) - twattish and unnecessarily goady. Most parents are trying our best and those who CBA probably aren't reading.

I think on MN you are going to inevitably get a variety of responses and also can state things much more bluntly from behind a screen than anyone would IRL. I'd just scroll past anyone who says it's none of your business.

IRL I do find that the less judgemental and the more "live and let live" I can be, the happier, less stressed and less judging I am of myself also. Of course I strive to do the best I can but there's no point running yourself into the ground. I just give the benefit of the doubt to others and it helps me do that for myself and just be a more zen person really than I was in my 20s and 30s.

Eg see someone getting their toddler McDonalds "that's a nice treat, she probably feels like she has been making 897 meals per day for her family and needs a break". See someone on their phone around DC "ah, that kid probably woke her at 5.30 am demanding all sorts - she has brought them to the park for some fresh air and independent play while she has 5 minutes peace". It doesn't have to be that detailed obvs 😂 but when I caught myself judging I'd actively assume there were things I didn't know about that person's life and now lots of stuff barely crosses my radar at all.

Yes fair enough but I find even the reasonable method there is getting the sarcastic MYOB answers.

I hear you.

Very little crosses my radar also. I have never had good instincts as other people describe them so I tend to let events unfold before forming an opinion. I know people can find that annoying as it seems I'm just keeping schtum but making snap judgements has never worked out well for me. I do tend to think about things in a more general sense than particular people.

I think it's really bad for your mental health to go down the rabbit hole of obsessing about what some person is or isn't doing. Your brain will keep scrabbling for a conclusion that can't be found as you don't have access to the necessary info (their perspective).

I don't know if this is relevant to this thread or not but I remember one time being so massively turned off the man I was with that I couldn't continue with him. It was narrowmindedness and stupidity of his view;

He described a very large woman (back when this was far less common that now) trying to navigate public transport spaces that were too small for her. She sat down and opened a packet of sweets. He deduced that the whole bus collectively and silently shook their heads.

Like where do you even go with that?

Wtf has it got to do with you? How do you know what she was actually eating and why? How did the rest of the bus signal their feelings to you? And how dare you be so bloody cruel and judgemental toward some woman just going about her day?

Everything about his attitude stunk. But what angered me a lot was the assumptions he made about everyone else's attitudes viewpoints.

This thread is illustrating something similar to me. Most people are at least trying to understand where other people are coming from with different opinions. But there are still the steadfast "you're changing your stance now based on replies" or "you just want everyone to agree with your opinion".

It's similar to the "maybe stop judging" "you think you're so much better" "MYOB" that's suggesting you know why the person wants to discuss it.

I appreciate the reply from the poster however you said people will judge you for being a nosey so and so or for caring about a particular topic. That's perfectly reasonable.

Should have said “other people’s bodies will never concern me.”

I want to address this.

"You can have opinions on things that don't concern you."

This is the crux of it really. Who decides what concerns me or anyone else. If I'm lying awake at night thinking about children in Gaza is that allowed to concern me? If I'm looking at people on the streets where I live thinking something is going wrong here, people used to look happy and say hello, now everyone looks tired and anxious; am I allowed be concerned about that?

Do people really mean 'things that don't directly impact you'.

Am I being judgemental when I say that this has to be the most confusing and least comprehensible thread I've come across in a long time? I can't really comment because I just don't understand what your point is. Two passing thoughts though are 1. That you seem to have a persecution complex. 2. If someone says that it's none of your business, surely you tell them exactly why you think it is your business?

Oh your ex sounds awful, that would have made me cringe beyond belief (for him!). I have a colleague who will comment on larger bodies but in a horrible way and I find it especially awkward as it's in a work context so just so unnecessary. Well, it'd be unnecessary whatever but particularly that I'm trying to see these people in a professional way and he reduces them to what their body looks like. It really makes me think less of him.

So you don’t want to be challenged , just to have people say yes I agree? Are these people you’ve known for ages? I don’t know anyone who if I said I’m moving because of drug dealers would say anything but Jesus I don’t blame you , who would say they aren’t doing any harm? You need better friends who will still disagree but not in such odd terms.

OP (any, not me)

"I've been thinking about this situation recently, does anyone have any insights or thoughts?"

REPLIES
Why do you care?
Stop judging people
It's none of your business
You think you're perfect

MY TAKE
The thought police seem to be out in force, dressed up as some live and let live crew while they aggressively try to silence people. We are part of society, not living as separate entities. It's ok to be curious and reflect on what's happening around us.

I appreciate I have written multiple posts, they're quite long, it's not the most interesting topic but why would you reply after skim reading and claim I just want people to agree with me. Bizarre.

For one thing, I'm not even referring to my threads. I'm talking about threads on Mumsnet or general conversations IRL where people are being told that certain (many) topics are off limits.

The silencing isn't working then, is it? It's not 'curiosity', it's plain nosiness in many contexts but dress it up as you like. Other posters have given much better examples of where other people's views actually mean something useful.

I gave your posts the benefit of the doubt but it's much clearer now where you're coming from.

I feel we are not allowed to comment or have any opinion on things that go on around us.

No, you just feel you should be able to do that without anybody else commenting on your opinion. That's a you problem.

I don't care if people call me judgemental. I am, as every single one of us is, and on the whole that isn't a bad thing. Judgement is how we enforce standards of behaviour. It's what made drink driving unacceptable when the law wasn't enough of an incentive.

If someone tells you to stop judging just file them away as "dim, probably says #BeKind and has a live, laugh, love decal in their living room" and carry on.

I meant to reply to this one earlier because I found it thought provoking. Thanks for writing it all out.

It's actually the other extreme causing the same result.

My sibling was at a support group for something earlier and just phoned describing a very similar situation; a woman explaining everything. Now she was very well informed and trying to help. But he said it stopped any chance of people trying to share their own unique personal experiences.

Ooh I’ve never been called bizarre before , excellent thank you.

As an answer to my post, this is not helpful. You're listing things but not really progressing your argument. Some people want to be involved at all costs (a pathetic kind of FOMO) to the extent that they can't stomach saying nothing, but, at the same time, can't be bothered to put any thought into constructing an interesting or helpful response, so type knee jerk, lazy replies of the sort you've quoted. Like I said, perhaps people shouldn't allow themselves to be shut down by such comments and use it as a springboard to explain better or further their argument.

That's ok, I'm not really interested in your input which is why I didn't reply to your first two posts. It was clear from them that you believe you know what people really mean V what they say. Your first post put across a couple of different interpretations which were interesting enough but then finished up with a conclusion that when people say X they actually mean Y.

That's the sort of attitude I'm so tired of.

Posters come on, ask a question and posters like you put all your energy into catching them out. What is the point for anyone?

You said my thread was confusing and incomprehensible. I know I've been babbling so I tried to summarise.

I'm not looking for a fight.