"It's absolutely none of your business"

[Aworldofwonder]

I don't know if I'm just exasperated today but this is really getting on my nerves - both here (I've been on way more than usual) and IRL.

I feel we are not allowed to comment or have any opinion on things that go on around us.

Some examples -

There was a thread about parents ignoring their children in favour of their phones.

At a recent in person gathering the topic of Ozempic sales came up followed by a very heated discussion about rising obesity related illnesses and the impact on the health services.

Another recent thread here about people not choosing not to work; I know multiple people choosing not to work as they do better on benefits.

I have loads and loads more examples (excessive drinking, drugs, adults unable to cook or have basic life skills, insurance fraud) but it's the same premise

I'm really sick of not being allowed have any opinion on this stuff in a general way without being labelled judgemental.

I get that they don't impact me directly. But we live in a society, I do believe we are all connected and I think we have a shared responsibility to create a better environment for us all to share.

Slightly off the point but I also hate a justification along the lines of "well I do X so it's ok; nothing wrong with me" I'm thinking particularly of that thread about parents being on their phones. What's so hard about admitting yes I do this, I don't know if it's great parental behaviour.

I've found with longer term friends I'm labelled a hypocrite if behaviour I engaged in when young is not behaviour I want my own DC doing or ideally anyone's ; for example I really hope she doesn't take drugs or put herself in risky positions like I did. In short, I've learned from those experiences and want to protect her.

If society is raising dysfunctional adults, if as humans we are becoming sicker, less able bodied, more disconnected, more selfish etc... why can't we discuss it?

Yabu - MYOB, you're just looking for an excuse to be judgemental and feel superior
Yanbu - it's fine to discuss these things in a general manner

These replies aren’t just ‘mind your own business’, they are opinions same as the ones you have. A bit of debate between friends is normal of course, but if you feel like your friends are so diametrically opposed to you that you can’t see eye to eye on anything, maybe it’s time to move on from them.

Based on your many irl examples on this thread (the cooking one especially!) you’ve either got some very strange friends with whom you have little in common, or you are wording your comments in such a way that they (inadvertently or otherwise) are coming across as accusatory and condescending.

We all make snap judgements at times, but when you realise that there are many, many reasons someone might make different choices to you, and when you stop judging yourself and just focus on yourself, what other people choose to do with their own lives doesn’t matter.

Someone might decide to get blackout drunk in the street, but I wouldn’t be thinking ‘’what an idiot’’ because I couldn’t care less what other people do. I’d be more likely to think ‘’oh God, I wonder what goes on in their life to leave them in that predicament’’

I can’t imagine being angry that Susan down the road might be fraudulently claiming PIP because I saw her up a set of ladders painting the front of her house. Frankly, I couldn’t give two shits 🤣 To quote the thread, it’s none of my business because I don’t know the woman or what she puts on her form and honestly it’s a waste of energy to get worked about someone else. I have my own life to worry about.

They didn’t suggest it was nothing to do with you. They gave their opinion.

The first group of suggestions you made are just further questions directed to you. The second is a more diplomatic way of saying what they actually did say about them not bothering you. The fourth is just agreeing with you.

I think you and your friends just rub each other up the wrong way.

Honeslty when I have posted on here in a rant, I am actually just looking for validation for the way I feel about something, even if 99% of replies are saying I did something wrong, I will always feel better when someone says that the way I am feeling is justified. I also have observed people post controversial views about other peoples behaviour because they just want some attention.

Its fine to have an opinion/observation, but you overstep when you think your opinion is either a fact or you are entitled to it at the cost of other peoples feelings.

To give an example, I work with a person who has emigrated from Israel. My personal opinion is that Israel has behaved like a colonial power over the those lands and this is what led to the war. But I am empathetic enough to know that a) he has family and loved ones there b) I know very little about the whole thing and c) my opinion on this subject really doesn't matter at all, I am not inflential to change anything. So even if he asks I won't give my opinion because it will only do him harm.

So you’re saying you only want to see other people’s opinions when they agree with yours? 👍

But it’s everyone’s business.

If governments had tackled benefit fraud, there may not be the need for this current round of benefit cuts.

Frankly, I couldn’t give two shits 🤣

I guess because it doesn’t immediately affect you.

You cannot control whether someone decides to lie about their disability or illness, there is literally fuck all you can do about it. You can report it if you want, but that still doesn’t mean they will be found to be fraudulent or that they will get the punishment you think they deserve. I just learned to stop getting angry about things that are beyond my control, that’s all.

There will ALWAYS be a relative few that game the system. It’s on THEM if they want to take that risk. If they’re willing to take that risk there’s an argument that there must be a reason behind that, because people who do that sort of thing are usually quite dysfunctional.

I doubt most PIP claimants go around telling people the ins and outs of the reason they claim, because it’s ‘’absolutely none of anyone else’s business’’. If you got angry about every little thing like this, you’d be forever miserable. Funnily enough, the people that bang on the most about ‘’scroungers’’ and immigrants and spend their time perpetually judging and othering people are usually miserable and need someone to punch down on to manage their self esteem.

I might make snap judgements in the sense that I don’t want to put myself or others in danger and sometimes judgements keep you safe as you said earlier, but I don’t think I’m necessarily better than most people because they make different choices and have different life experiences to me

Maybe I judge less because I’m less self critical these days and I’m not competing with anybody. That’s why I said people need to practise that.

The point is that you can reframe these kinds of questions so that you aren't just being judgemental about other people's legitimate choices

A thread about what kinds of government policies and NHS initiatives might help reduce people's reliance on highly-processed, low fibre high fat foods and make healthier choices more realistic is totally fine, whereas an OP which just describes the eating habits of family X and asks aibu that they arejust greedy and lazy is quite rightly shouted down for being judgemental. If the point of a post is seeking support in categorising someone with some negative attribute when there are no consequences to you whether you get that agreement then you'll get the "none of your business" responses - whereas if you are asking for help to decide whether the people in question are therefore unreasonable to ask X favour of you, or which choices should have a knock-ok impact for state financial support, then it's a legitimate conversation.

Don't forget all the posters who say, "it's non of your business"...

Anyway, I agree and think it's lazy thinking to claim that having an opinion about anything anyone else does is simply "judgemental".

I don’t disagree. It’s particularly awful to allow your child to become obese. To me this is a form of neglect. No one is allowed to say so.
Given the health implications for life, unless there is a medical reason no child should be overweight. The same houses are overflowing with crisps and chocolates.

I know not everyone is given life skills to cook well, but a stir fry or salad takes zero skill. Grilling fish ditto.

No phones or tech at the table and cut off times for the whole family is not hard.

I just see the whole of society becoming lazy, insular and slovenly and it is depressing!

I started drinking, smoking and having sex at 13. Doesn’t make me a hypocrite that I did all I could to ensure my own kids didn’t follow suit. I also had my first DC at 16, and definitely doesn’t make me a hypocrite that I would have been horrified if my own DD told me she was pregnant at 16. I’m a very different parent to my mother was, but my kids are also very different people to the teen I was.

It’s a ridiculous argument to say just because you took drugs as a teen / young adult that you’d be accepting of your own DC going it.

People won’t own poor parenting. I definitely spent too much time on my phone over the years. No excuses.

You aren’t allowed to judge someone being better off on benefits because most people want to believe you are better off working and their friends actually need all the extra cash .

Someone always says it’s nonsense when another poster says they know someone on 5k plus benefits p/m. I’ve seen people get 8000 in benefits plus all the other perks you get .

Sometimes the only difference between a working person or one who just claims with the same health condition is one has the bollocks to claim . They know what to say on the forms or the test . I wouldn’t…It is also a generational thing passed down through families . It’s getting worse .

The list above is a set of hypothetical replies of examples I think would be a normal response. I would have welcomed those sort of answers as they are relevant to my situation now.

I think hypocritical would be continuing to do drugs whilst telling your children not to. Making mistakes and trying to pass that knowledge on isn't hypocritical.

There seems to be a leap these days to assuming that being critical of something means that you're 'hating' the person doing it - it's a weird lack of resilience.

I let my kids have unlimited ipad use. I'm willing to fight my corner on why that's OK, and discuss the possible issues and benefits, and what about how I do that makes it not a problem in my eyes. I'm willing to agree to disagree and not make it personal. The trouble is that lots of people can't do that.

There are many on this thread spectacularly proving your point.
And plenty of people twisting your words to suit their narrative so they can attack you.

People want to feel clever on the internet and seem to forget there is a person behind each post (unless it’s clear it is a bot 😂)

MN is HYPER critical.
I saw a thread the other day from a lovely poster who was struggling with three new kittens that were ruining her house. She had had a cat before, thought she was prepared for it, the shelter deemed her home acceptable for three cats and she was really struggling and looking for advice. She did get some good advice, but there was a chorus of posters replying with just “well why did you get three kittens? Are you mad?”

It really wound me up because it was literally in the OP why she chose to get three kittens…. She didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was. We all go in to things like that and are surprised by them sometimes. And she was asking for help and advice on what to do. Replying with just “you shouldn’t have got three kittens” is not only judgemental but completely unhelpful and pointless

I don’t think she’s saying that. I think she’s saying she doesn’t want to be told she shouldn’t express an opinion on the topic at all, which is what “it’s none of your business” actually means in this context. See also “why do you care about this?”

Ok so I read the replies here really quickly before I went to work then something occurred to me that was so obvious I felt a bit stupid it took me so long.

When somebody (me, somebody else) asks a question I assume they are coming from a place of being interested in the topic at hand but not knowing much and wanting to know more (I'll give an example later).

However when somebody shuts it down with "it's none of your business what other people do" the subtext is that the questioner is only asking as they want to feel superior to somebody else.

I guess, because we all project to a degree - that sort of response means that you are prone to looking down on other people or you feel that other people look down on you. So your assumption there makes sense.

So let's go back to the benefits topic. Some people jumped to the conclusion that anyone asking about benefits had negative feelings about anyone claiming them, particularly if they were choosing not to work (ie not actively pursuing work). I maintain that people do exist who choose not to work because I've heard people with my own ears many times. That's just a fact.

I remember a conversation with a male friend years ago
Me "I'd rather work a minimum pay job than sign on"
Him "I wouldn't. The stress of it would not be worth it. I'd sign on, definitely."
Me "I know I get really stressed when I'm not in a job. It might sound silly but if I'm not expected somewhere with someone relying on me and a set of defined tasks I know my day would spiral and I'd probably find myself smoking dope all morning"
Him "yeah I'm not wired like that though. I literally can't stand being told to do tasks to me that seem pointless. I wouldn't sit around and waste my though, I'd be studying a new graphics package or writing."

It's summarised obviously. But the topic was discussed with nobody feeling bad or judged. It then unfolded into a bigger conversation with others at the table (currently on benefits) about how going for a very low paid job worked out worse for them as they lost medical card and other expenses. We then talked about other countries which offer a basic living wage to everyone and the ideals around that; it allowed dignity to all, have people feel more motivated to work for money which proved to have a good impact on self esteem etc.

I remember this conversation years later and it's because it was informative, nobody was defending anyone or attacking anyone. It was a conversation about a system which is flawed (the benefits trap).

I find here that it's almost impossible to discuss any situation; everybody is so suspicious of other people - always trying to expose their 'real' motives.

A poster there above is talking about child obesity. I'm sure she does not have personal beef with some individual parent of an obese child but why can't we discuss that this is a real problem? Talk about the reasons it's happening now, not 50 years ago, talk about how to tackle it. Why would it mean that she thinks she is better than those parents? Maybe she just knows better than your average joe the real life long consequences and she wants other people to understand them too. Maybe she feels if people really understood it they would not allow it to happen.

There was a time when people all smoked in their houses, around children. Somebody or lots of people collectively changed the perception that this was perfectly fine

I'm no saint and obviously I have not never had a judgemental thought about anyone but I try to resist it; mainly because it's not a nice feeling to hold in your body. I don't often worry about other people judging me though thankfully.

A therapist used to always say "we're all just doing our best" and it really resonated with me. I repeat it when I feel frustrated with people in my life.

As an aside, I don't think I explained the drug dealers on the road conversation very well. I was frustrated because I didn't want to be told off for worrying about it with "it's not so long since you would have e been going up there yourself" For a start it's 25 years ago. Secondly it's irrelevant because in now raising kids and it's them I'm concerned with. I would have thought this was obvious but once I said it the conversation moved on to more helpful inputs such as "they are very unlikely to bring any trouble to where they live"

I also just binged on Netflix Adolescence and it left me feeling slightly despairing - every character seemed so alone and disconnected.

Oh yes I can really relate to this one. I was struggling with the guilt. But I found I did like when people said things to me like

"You know what one of mine had breast, the other bottle and it turned out to be the breastfed who got allergies... "
"Don't worry if you're feeling guilty, your hormones are in overdrive, it'll pass"
"I focused on feeling grateful I lived in a country that has access to formula the guilt passed"

If I didn't mention feeling guilty and people said
"Oh good for you, the baby will sleep through the night easier"
"Yes people say breast is best, but do you know what - having a mum not dead on her feet is good too"

I did have some people criticise me subtly but I made a mental note that they wouldn't be people I'd be worrying about their opinion. Any person who doesn't have the cop on to know that every mum is doing what they believe to be the right thing is an idiot. Or anyone so lacking in sensitivity they can't resist scolding you when you need support is never going to enhance your life.

I honestly have no idea what point you are making here.

My dilemma was - should we move house given drugs are on the rise in the area and it's much closer to home than I'd like. Is this likely to cause problems for us? Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation?

I wasn't commenting on people taking drugs, buying drugs or selling drugs.

Yeah good example - I wouldn't share an opinion on this either as he is far better informed. I'd be interested to hear his viewpoints though. I might share "I thought X ... Is this the case or are we being misled?"

That’s all lovely for you but other people should be allowed to discuss it if they want to, without being told it’s none of their business.

I find that the people who are most keen to impress on others how unjudgemental they are are often the most judgemental.

Anyone can have any opinion they like and voice it. It really is a free country. What they generally can't do though is expect it to be listened to and/or agreed with. If you're ok with that then there's no problem.

If you (general) intrude on people's freedoms with your 'right way of doing things' then it's not really any surprise if you are told to mind your own business, or less politely.

Those freedoms though need to not encroach on other people's rights and freedoms and if you're saying that society has changed to become less cognisant and considerate to the point where it's impacting on others then I would agree with you.

Conversely, if I hear 'breast is best' being bandied around at a woman who has said that she can't/doesn't then I would applaud her for responding with 'fuck off and mind your own business'. There's a difference to me. You can hold the opinion all you like, chant it to yourself daily for all I care - but you don't get to dictate to other women who are doing something different.

Nobody is stopping you from saying what you want but it doesn't come with a gag order slapped on everybody else. When people say they're 'not allowed' it generally means that they don't get to say whatever they like, unchecked.

I think you will just have to learn how to ignore comments that are made to shut you down. These people probably FEEL judged by what you're saying even if your post is not judgmental per se. That means that they know that what they're doing is not optimal; on the phone instead of interacting with kids/never cook a meal from scratch/ not helping with homework/life skills whatever and they prefer to deflect or attack rather than owning their imperfections. It's easier to say I hit my children because it never harmed me to be educated that way rather than think about it in a bigger perspective as what am I teaching my child when I do this and are there other non violent ways to go about it meaning that I will have to learn to control my impulses of lashing out.

I know that I feel judged by some comments but in reality It's my inner judge who tells me I can do better on this area. Not the OP's fault. Then there are some OP's who are really tonedeaf when describing how they think everyone should live and act not taking into account that things can be really hard for a single working mum or for people with mh issues.

I’ve found this post interesting to read OP because I often feel the opposite way to you. I feel that people are far too angry about things that don’t affect them and I believe if you wouldn’t say something in person you shouldn’t say it online.

I consider myself a fairly non judgemental person and take pride in it (although I do agree everyone including myself judges to some extent and some level of judgement is a good thing).

I think perhaps the don’t judge brigade are pushing back at feeling so scrutinised for every little thing they’re doing wrong. I was on here a lot more when mine were younger and had to take a break because I often came away feeling rubbish after threads like the phone one or ‘what do you feed your kids?’ which turns into attacking anyone who doesn’t feed their kids home cooked, balanced meals 95% of the time.

For every poster who says ‘it’s none of your business, don’t judge’ or similar there’s another who considers freezer food child neglect and is happy to tell you so which also shuts down discussion and contribution from anyone who doesn’t do things perfectly.

I find the latter much more frustrating as I think making someone feel crap about their parenting abilities is much more damaging than calling someone judgemental.