To not allow my almost 11 yo a mobile phone

mylittlekomododragon · 25/03/2025 12:40

She will be isolated and you’re setting her up to be different right from the start of secondary school. I think you need good parental controls and ground rules around the phone, but personally I think 10/11, starting secondary school is the right time for a phone.

MellowPinkDeer · 25/03/2025 12:44

yeah this is a bit mean tbh. She will need a phone I would just more closely monitor, she also isn’t the same person as your son so should not be punished for his behaviour/ actions / phone usage!

unless you want her to be an outsider from the offset, then of course she doesn’t need a phone until she’s old enough the get her own!

CaveMum · 25/03/2025 12:44

If she’s not raising it at the moment then I’d leave the topic alone for now.

If she asks for a phone you can have a conversation around what she wants to do with it - if it’s about keeping in touch with friends you should be able to lock the phone down so that certain capabilities (like browsing the internet) are disabled.

My 11yo DD got a phone for her recent birthday - one of the last in her class to get one. It’s an older model, refurbished iPhone - me and DH both have iPhones so it means we have set up a family account which gives us control over what she can/can’t do with it. She has no social media bar WhatsApp (as that is what all her friends use to communicate, but it has the highest privacy settings we can put on it) and cannot download any apps without parental approval.

The deal with her having the phone is that she gets it after breakfast/getting dressed for school in the morning; takes it to school (where they have to hand phones to the teacher for the day); then once she’s home from school she can message her friends/play pre agreed games that we have downloaded for her and then has to hand it to me/DH at 8pm for the night.

She’s also aware that we can (and do) check her phone/messages at anytime and that any abuse of the privilege will result in the phone being taken away.

Original poster

Dottycotton86 · 25/03/2025 12:45

@mylittlekomododragon This was my thoughts with my older son and we did all the parental controls but we still had issues. The other main issue is the obsession he has with his phone. It’s glued to him. I know we are all a little guilty of this. I am concerned I’m the minority of parent ls who don’t want to give a phone and agree I think it may isolate her.

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Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 25/03/2025 12:45

Yabu

Most secondary schools have homework on apps that require a phone to use.

Not to mention as others have said she will be left out of the group dynamics.

Awakeatnite · 25/03/2025 12:46

Well the children I see walking around with a phone are constantly looking down at it. Including when walking around/crossing the road and when they are “spending time with friends”. Children who don’t have one are fascinated by mine and want one. It’s the new cigarette

beAsensible1 · 25/03/2025 12:48

I think you can get her a basic/dumb phone for school.

a lot in here will talk about being different. But lots of kids are different and succumbing to conformity but endangering your child’s digital safety, self esteem and mental wellness is not a good pay off.

wait until you think she is ready to deal with all the distractions and dangers that come with phones and social media.

Mrsttcno1 · 25/03/2025 12:48

I think there are positives to having a phone, and there are ways you can keep a phone safe & not an issue, things like parental controls, no phones in bedroom, model healthy habits etc.

She will probably be the only person starting secondary school without one, I’d be wary of the picking that could stem from that. You’d be immediately making her the outsider, the one who isn’t involved.

WinterBones · 25/03/2025 12:49

mine had a nokia brick until she was 16. They have zero need for a smart phone as kids. the little 3310 meant she could still call/text, but not have the internet/games in her hand away from home.

My kids have tablets and computers at home which they can use on the internet that i have locked down and age restricted.. what on earth do they need a smartphone for?

Mothersruin123 · 25/03/2025 12:51

My 11 year old has my old iPhone but with no social media or internet access. All new apps have to be reviewed/approved by me. She can text/call her friends but does not currently have WhatsApp. We will have conversations about increasing functionality as they come up and as she gets older.

It is working well for us at the moment and she is not glued to it at all (my iPad is a different story though….constantly having to prize that out of her hands!).

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is you can provide a phone but don’t have to provide all the social media and internet access if that is what is concerning you.

tiredconfusedhungry · 25/03/2025 12:52

Have a look at smartphone free childhood. You can get ‘dumb’ phones for kids that need a phone for travelling alone etc. there is no need for kids that young to have smart phones and as much as you think you have parental controls, it’s not as tight as you believe.

Really do some research on the effects of kids being given smart phones and social media at young ages.

Original poster

Dottycotton86 · 25/03/2025 12:52

beAsensible1 · 25/03/2025 12:48

I think you can get her a basic/dumb phone for school.

a lot in here will talk about being different. But lots of kids are different and succumbing to conformity but endangering your child’s digital safety, self esteem and mental wellness is not a good pay off.

wait until you think she is ready to deal with all the distractions and dangers that come with phones and social media.

This is my main fear, her wellbeing and connecting with the real world. She is so full of smiles and creative, she loves art and photographs so has a scrap book and pencils on her hand constantly. I think I’m just scared she will get sucked into the fake world of social media and loose her spark

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MellowPinkDeer · 25/03/2025 12:54

Dottycotton86 · 25/03/2025 12:52

This is my main fear, her wellbeing and connecting with the real world. She is so full of smiles and creative, she loves art and photographs so has a scrap book and pencils on her hand constantly. I think I’m just scared she will get sucked into the fake world of social media and loose her spark

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There is a difference between having a phone and having social media. Don’t allow the apps or restrict the time. My 12 and 14 year olds still only have a Max of 2 hours per day on thinks like Snapchat and TikTok. Their phone locks at 8.30pm and unlocks again at 7.00 ready for timetables and bag packing etc.

RachelLikesTea · 25/03/2025 12:54

I think that you can overthink this. Like or or not, mobile phones are very much a part of everyday life now. My dc both had phones at secondary school age. Very useful that they could let me know if they wanted to go into town straight from school with friends etc..

All the other stuff, you just need to make sure her privacy settings are appropriate and that she knows to approach you about anything she feels isn't right with regards to messages etc..

Mrsttcno1 · 25/03/2025 12:55

WinterBones · 25/03/2025 12:49

mine had a nokia brick until she was 16. They have zero need for a smart phone as kids. the little 3310 meant she could still call/text, but not have the internet/games in her hand away from home.

My kids have tablets and computers at home which they can use on the internet that i have locked down and age restricted.. what on earth do they need a smartphone for?

I’m in my 20’s so can imagine it’s worse in schools now but even when I was at school in lessons teachers would often do Kahoots which meant everyone had to use their phone to do that, if there had been one child in the class who didn’t have a phone there was certainly some nasty kids in my class who would have made them a target

WinterBones · 25/03/2025 12:57

Mrsttcno1 · 25/03/2025 12:55

I’m in my 20’s so can imagine it’s worse in schools now but even when I was at school in lessons teachers would often do Kahoots which meant everyone had to use their phone to do that, if there had been one child in the class who didn’t have a phone there was certainly some nasty kids in my class who would have made them a target

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my daughters secondary banned phones, so wasn't an issue. they have access to tablets at school for that stuff.

WearyAuldWumman · 25/03/2025 12:57

Dottycotton86 · 25/03/2025 12:36

Back story my now 19 yo son had a phone on his first year of secondary school. This was a huge learning curve and I have decided that my daughter will not be allowed one this young. At what age do you think is suitable to have a phone. I am only see negatives with a phone and lots of positive to not having one. At the moment she doesn’t seem that bothered but I am sure this will change. Anyone on the same position how will you deal with the peer pressure once she is at school. I don’t want her to feel isolated

I'm a retired teacher. I'd give her a Nokia brick, but not a Smartphone: Snapchat is a curse.

I've told the story before: had two 13 yr old girls who were convinced that they were conversing with an 11 yr old - "Timmy". Then one of the girls showed me the dick pic that "Timmy" had sent and then was when I called our Child Protection Officer.

As I explained to the girls, the pic was clearly an adult male.

BaggyPJs · 25/03/2025 12:59

Dottycotton86 · 25/03/2025 12:52

This is my main fear, her wellbeing and connecting with the real world. She is so full of smiles and creative, she loves art and photographs so has a scrap book and pencils on her hand constantly. I think I’m just scared she will get sucked into the fake world of social media and loose her spark

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My 11 year old neice uses her phone to draw digitally. Honestly jealous of her skills, she's better than I am. Will provide better career prospects for her though having that skill now.

No social media, except WhatsApp that she has 2 friends and a bunch of family on and no unsupervised Internet. Ever.

It's not that hard to lock down a phone especially with a child who isn't tech savy.

Original poster

Dottycotton86 · 25/03/2025 13:01

@BaggyPJs I think she would definitely use a phone for things like this

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BaggyPJs · 25/03/2025 13:01

WearyAuldWumman · 25/03/2025 12:57

I'm a retired teacher. I'd give her a Nokia brick, but not a Smartphone: Snapchat is a curse.

I've told the story before: had two 13 yr old girls who were convinced that they were conversing with an 11 yr old - "Timmy". Then one of the girls showed me the dick pic that "Timmy" had sent and then was when I called our Child Protection Officer.

As I explained to the girls, the pic was clearly an adult male.

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Parents who let their children on snapchat should be charged with grooming by proxy imo. It's not like they don't know the risks.

nightmarepickle2025 · 25/03/2025 13:01

Hold the line. Get her a brick. Who cares if she's "different"?

Phones are harmful.

ilovemoney · 25/03/2025 13:01

Both my kids have SEND. I use parentshield, its sim only and safe.

Mrsttcno1 · 25/03/2025 13:03

nightmarepickle2025 · 25/03/2025 13:01

Hold the line. Get her a brick. Who cares if she's "different"?

Phones are harmful.

As someone who has friends & family members who were horrifically bullied in school for being a bit different, believe me, those people do care.

WearyAuldWumman · 25/03/2025 13:03

BaggyPJs · 25/03/2025 13:01

Parents who let their children on snapchat should be charged with grooming by proxy imo. It's not like they don't know the risks.

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In this case, as soon as the police asked for the phones, one parent handed it over. The other refused: "I'm paying a contract for that!"

Notmycupoftea123 · 25/03/2025 13:03

Get her a basic phone or an old second hand android/iPhone for when she starts secondary.

Personally I think you’ve got good intentions but are being a bit mean. I remember texting my friends at 11-12 the start of school, using it in case of emergencies as I walked too and from school. I can’t imagine not being able to have that social side in the evenings or weekends to message friends, then again I know there is the home phone but that feels different.

Start boundaries from the get go. Phone is allowed between 8am - 8pm every day. Parental controls due to DD age, and you have the right to take it away as home work takes priority