To not allow my almost 11 yo a mobile phone

[Dottycotton86]

Back story my now 19 yo son had a phone on his first year of secondary school. This was a huge learning curve and I have decided that my daughter will not be allowed one this young. At what age do you think is suitable to have a phone. I am only see negatives with a phone and lots of positive to not having one. At the moment she doesn’t seem that bothered but I am sure this will change. Anyone on the same position how will you deal with the peer pressure once she is at school. I don’t want her to feel isolated

the 'being left out' thing would be minimised by schools doing what my DD's did.. banning the damn things.

They're not allowed to be taken out during the day and must be switched off in their bags until they've left the school grounds.

The only people who know what kind of phone DD has are her three closest friends, who talk to her via text and Discord outside of school (i have that monitored)

My concern with this is the bullying can happen on their bedroom if they have a phone. Home should be a safe space, time away from peers.

Totally agree. We've got a long way to go.

I think it’s more than some of us have first hand experience of seeing how horrifically bullying in schools impacts a child, their mental health, confidence, school refusal, anxiety, it all has a huge impact.

I’ve seen children in secondary school hospitalised after self harming due to bullying, my younger cousins already know 2 friends lost to suicide after being bullied and they aren’t even 16 yet, it’s awful, and most schools are horrendous at dealing with bullying so it is left to escalate and escalate and escalate.

Anything that makes a child different can make them a target for bullying but the not having a phone makes it a bit of a double edged sword because you get the bullying for not having one & you also get the being left out of the conversations, the plans, the group chats for the park trips or homework etc.

Except having a phone doesn’t have to be a phone 24/7. Of course it’s a bad idea to give a child unfiltered 24:7 access, but you can protect with controls, no phones in bedroom/after 8pm, parental controls etc.

My 11 y old DS got a phone for secondary school. He's got what's up groups for his school mates and others that I regularly look on. One boy in his class doesn't have a phone and he's being a bit left our because they use what's up to socialise but also for homework. Teachers communicate via digital site, most of their homework requires internet searches/ doing videos with their phones etc. I guess it depends on your daughter and the type of people she hangs out with. From what I have seen on my son's what's app they mainly discuss video games/school projects.

No this is wrong. I have twins. Nearly 13. Neither owns a smartphone but they both have a Nokia flip. They nag me but they are not excluded nor bullied. At different schools. Both have lovely friends. Friends who tell me directly that they are not bothered that my children don't own a smartphone. They have access to a laptop and iPad at home for homework. Neither child is damaged. Neither child is excluded. Both children understand my position as their parent and why they don't own a smartphone. They will get one at 14 u less the government brings in a ban sooner.

Giving children a smartphone is utter madness. They are addictive devices. They foster the wrong behaviours. They encourage bullying and sharing of inappropriate content. I've seen it all.

Delay. Don't rush. And join your local Smartphone Free Childhood network. There are lots of parents like you!

If you're being bullied the last thing you need is a smartphone so you can be bullied after school and all night long too.

This! Mine can have phone for social interactions/video games 30 minutes after homework in the evening (school days) and then I keep it hidden until the morning.

Do you think I haven't seen the things you describe? You make an incorrect assumption.

I have however read so much solid research - including that where young people speak for themselves - about how harmful the digital environment is for them too.

Another one here who has allowed a smart phone from secondary school (brick for walking home 1 mile in year 6). They use it for bus/train pass, googlepay, Life360 so I can see they are where they should be.

But very heavy restrictions, we pay £20 a year for screen time app which is great on android (no good on iphone). Bedtime blockers and phones charge downstairs overnight. 1 hour daily usage except for messaging, kindle, drawing app and spotify. We allowed WhatsApp because it's really isolating not to be when everyone else is. But settings so they can only be added to a group by a contact and a rule about not being in massive groups eg whole year group. Also an understanding that we can and will access their phone to check for safety reasons. No Snapchat/Insta/tiktok until 16. Apps can only be added if approved by me.

Our school used to use phones in lessons but now no phones to be on in school. They all have Chromebooks they use for Kahoot and anything else they need during lessons.

It can be done safely. It's not necessarily all or nothing.

Stick with your gut feelings! She doesn't need a phone. My son did not have one until he was 14. He's 19 now. He says he's really glad he didn't have one. My daughter was a bit younger, 13. But again, she really barely needs it. I wish I'd held off a bit longer!

Not if you don't allow the phone in the bedroom, or overnight, and you check it regularly for any issues.

Are you familiar withhttps://smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk

I think you are right to not give your kid a smart phone.

there are other options that will allow her to communicate with you and specific friends.

including a watch that can be used for sms and has tracking and calling ability.

you can also totally dumb down a smartphone so that it has very limited features.

im in a similar place and will be readying my self for this in the next year or so.

This is absolutely the experience I have. My 14 year old doesn't even know where the text messages are on his phone. A friend of his who wasn't allowed WhatsApp in year 7 definitely got left out because he was forgotten about when plans were being made on a group chat, someone would have had to text him separately and generally self obsessed teens wouldn't remember.

Again, where did I say that a smartphone with unfiltered and unrestricted access 24/7 was a solution? I didn’t.

This will my DS, currently Y5 and has an iPad, Chromebook for homework, switch…he can have a dumb phone for secondary, he knows already he won’t be getting a phone until then and that it won’t be a smart phone like mine. He can access the internet on the iPad or chrome book at home, with parental supervision.

I know the “different” argument is peddled a lot, but kids will pick on kids who they view as different regardless of what gadget they’ve got or not.

YANBU

There are actually loads of people making the choice not to give phones, especially smart phones, at 11. My son is 13 and doesn’t have one. He is very IT literate, uses his chrome book for school and of course watches you tube at home for limited periods. He can get a different bus pass not on an app. I’ve said he can have one when he is 14 if he wants one. He’s fine with that. I think actually he’s genuinely happy not to have to deal with school social nonsense in his own time.

I’ve offered him a brick phone but he’s not interested.

The WhatsApp age recommendation is 13 and from what I’ve seen in real life that’s exactly what it should be. Only this week we had an email about links to porn being circulated by 11 year olds on a year 6 WhatsApp- they had entirely bypassed parental controls. And the amount of trouble I’ve seen younger kids get into by just circulating stupid stuff is unreal.

I’d say hold off for as long as you possibly can.

2 hours a day, 14 hours a week.

That's quite a lot, no?

Kids don't need mobile phones. We are ALL examples of that...
My kids will get phones at 16. When they can pay for them. I'm not robbing them of their childhoods by handing them over to Elon and Zuckerberg!

I thought you were saying they should have a smartphone in case they are bullied for not having a smartphone?

In my experience of bullies, they'll find something to pick on you for if they've decided you're the victim, regardless of what that trigger is.
So the idea of giving a bully access to my child at home whether it's for 5m a day or all night long is a moot point really.
I cant see one good reason why a smartphone would help a child who's being bullied. Can you?

She will be completely left out.

Kids that age do all the social chat and organising on their phones. Better to monitor and teach her how to use it safely.

I really don't mean to scare you but my youngest was sexually assaulted and hurt by two adults when she went out in day time and had no phone to contact me or police until she was able to get back... It was absolutely terrible but so much worse could have happened and I was just lucky that she came back at the time. This happened when she was 13 and didn't have access to a phone as I wasn't keen on electronics and apps. She now has one and I've put some restrictions on it and ask to search it occasionally.. that seems to work out for us

I allowed my eldest out on his own a bit later into his teens but I also loosened up in general and started to allow his younger sister to go out at the time. In retrospect I think any child who walks to school or goes out in general should have a way of immediate communication with either parent, particularly girls

Many people have already talked about the being left out angle but just wanted to add that you can also monitor her phone

Kids will be bullied for not having one, they’ll be the odd one out, it will be “can’t your parents afford one”, or “are you a baby”.

Bullying is everywhere, yes, but you don’t help them by putting a bullseye on their head.

So what your saying is your son messed up because he wasn’t mature enough to have a phone so you’re punishing your daughter for his behaviour?

My older 2 now year 8 & 6 we’re both given phones in year 6 in order to get use to having them for high school. It’s here we have ironed out any teething problems, mainly wats app group chats that turned messy. Neither of them join any group chats anymore and automatically take themselves out of them. The conditions around having phones are they belong to us not them. We check as often as we like and they ask permission before getting apps. Year 6 dd lost her phone privileges for 24 hours yesterday for a completely unrelated reason to her phone but she handed it over no arguments.

It was in year 6 we allowed them a bit more freedom, walking home from school going to the shops with friends. This is where a phone coming in handy. My oldest DD was hit by a car one day, she was ok but because she had a phone (her friend didn’t) the lady driving the car was able to call me.

Neither have been in trouble at school because of phones. Year 8 dd is not allowed to take her phone out on school premises without permission, the school have very struct rules, they will confiscate it if it’s seen. She never had any problems or been told off for this.

Both mainly use their phones for social reasons but also for school work. Highschool has apps that the kids need access to, she dose homework on her phone. With more freedom she’s able to stay in touch when she’s out without us.

I hate it when people demonise phones, yes some kids can’t handle them and need guidance but not all.

Dont punish your daughter because your son couldn’t manage having a phone at 11.