To not allow my almost 11 yo a mobile phone

[Dottycotton86]

Back story my now 19 yo son had a phone on his first year of secondary school. This was a huge learning curve and I have decided that my daughter will not be allowed one this young. At what age do you think is suitable to have a phone. I am only see negatives with a phone and lots of positive to not having one. At the moment she doesn’t seem that bothered but I am sure this will change. Anyone on the same position how will you deal with the peer pressure once she is at school. I don’t want her to feel isolated

DD is in primary and has an ipad with super strict parental controls which she uses for homework apps and downtime. For secondary we’ll add a ‘dumb’ phone that she can take with her that allows calls and texts.
No public transport options or walking options for her secondary so no need to worry about needing transport apps or maps and I actively don’t want her hanging out on the street or in parks after school so I’m not worried about her “missing out” on after school plans.
I’m always a bit surprised on these threads by the ‘social outcast’ argument that gets trotted out, what are a bunch of 11 year olds arranging without parental involvement? It’s not like they become adults the minute they go to secondary….

Jesus wept. Poor kid.

Attitudes around this are starting to change (and can be very much area dependent) so I don’t think the concerns around being the odd one out and a smartphone being needed for lessons/homework is as much of a given as it used to be, though of course it’s still the case for many.
I’d really recommend checking out Smartphone Free Childhood for great resources and some local grassroots action and support on the topic.
Our take is we will provide a ‘brick’ phone for high school start but absolutely no smartphone until 14 at the earliest. We’ve made high school/travel decisions with this in mind and fortunately know a lot of similarly minded families which helps.

In my experience there is very little parental involvement in their social lives once they reach secondary school.

I actually hate the kids having smartphones but I think it's a bit naive to think not having one won't effect them socially. They arrange everything on what's app such as meeting in the morning for the bus or McDonald's on a Saturday afternoon etc. My teens never use actual texts so I think a kid who didn't have access to what's app etc may be left out.

I've seen too much in my (former) job to believe that phones are safe.

I've seen boys bullying girls via various types of message (and claiming that their accounts had been hacked) and one horrendous case of a naive girl who was persuaded to send her boyfriend a topless pic. That picture finished up on every single mobile phone in the school.

The Guidance Team dealt with it very well, I have to say, and the girl did return to school..but I can't imagine the trauma that she went through.

OP, my DD is 10 and will not be getting a smartphone for many years to come. We will give her a brick phone when she starts secondary school.

Many parents will be at pains to tell you it’s fine, safety measures can be imposed and your child will be bullied if they don’t get one. Many have strongly held pro-smartphone views, I think because they are feeling defensive. They can crack on but I would prefer to risk my DD being left out at this time in her life. Their brains are still developing, these devices are designed to be highly addictive, security controls can be bypassed and the data emerging about their impact on teenagers is worrying. If you feel the right thing to do is to wait, especially as you already have experience of this, then you should feel completely empowered to do that.

I'm really shocked at this thread. So many parents have zero clue what their kids are getting into with their phones. By connecting your child to the internet with a hand held device, you are connecting them to every pedophile, drug dealer and bully in the world - and you can no longer protect them.

I have two kids at secondary, both with smartphones, and I'm fighting a daily battle for their sanity and mine. I wish they didn't have them, but I caved in. We have strict parental controls and heavily regulated boundaries about when the phones are on and when they are handed in to us, and it's like playing daily whackamole with filth and misery. I wish I'D never seen what they get sent by their friends, never mind what their young minds make of it.

Through talking to other parents and teenagers at work, I can tell you that most parents aren't checking regularly enough and have NO idea what their kids are doing or seeing on the internet.

If I had my time again I'd hold out and do better. I hope other parents are stronger than I was.

@Candlecharge01 none of that really applies to us I suppose, we live rurally so she’ll be on a school bus or being driven to school and there’s no option for her to get anywhere without a lift from us.
I’m not saying dumb phone for the whole of high school but until she’s old enough to go places by herself she doesn’t need one. Whatsapp for 11 year olds is just asking for trouble!

Caveat that my DC are still too young for this to be an issue but I agree with all of this.

No matter how locked down we think the phones are, kids can find a way around it. I know I, and all my friends, did back in the day.

It’s not the phones/tech that are the issue. It’s free access to the internet, it’s not having time restrictions, parental controls etc. The social media, gaming, having a constant phone or ipad in hand is the addictive part.

Parents need to be the parent and use the tools available to them. Plenty of parental control apps. Ways to limit use and timing, turn off wifi, hand phone in at bed time etc.

I meet so many children and young people whose parents do not know what they are doing on the internet. These children have their own you tube/tik tok open accounts as young as 6 and some parents have been proud of them having random followers. No safeguarding at all.

Educate children on the internet, dangers and positives and offer them alternatives for things to do.

https://smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk/

my 10 year isn’t getting a smart phone for years. A brick phone maybe for high school. We’re very lucky that quite a few parents are united about this.

I completely disagree. Parental controls are not enough. No 10/11 year old needs a phone. No child under the age of 14 needs a smart phone. No child under the age of 16 should have access to social media.

If we all see sense and stop putting these dangerous devices in the hands of our children, there will be no peer pressure. Parents need to take action.

surprised i'm in the minority with only allowing a 'dumb phone' til 16.

considering my generation have grown up with them and seen the danger they pose, i don't understand why parents my age and younger (i'm early 40s) are allowing kids to have smart phones.

i watched my friends kids get into all sorts of trouble in primary school with the bullying that went on over snap chat and whatsapp.. decided there and then she wouldn't be getting one until college.

I don't really disagree as I say I hate the kids having the bloody things.

Maybe my opinion is what it is because one of mine was very badly bullied (nothing to do with phones) and really struggled to make friends. So I am conscious about anything that makes that even more difficult for her.

@3oldladiesstuckinalavatory thank you for your message. If only all parents could agree that 11 year olds do not need social media, there wouldn't be this fear of being left out. I am planning on a phone that can call and text and that's all.

I didn't have a phone at all until I was about 14 and while I was one of the last in my year group to get one, looking back it was not a big deal and in glad for it.

Honestly, I agree with the PPs who say that the "social outcast" argument is not strong enough to warrant them having a smartphone. Yes, the potential is there that they'll be seen as different and may even get some stick for that but rather that thsn the negative impacts a phone can bring. I'd rather teach my child resilience and the strength of character to not afraid to be different and to be confident enough in their own person to not be put down by any remarks/behaviour that comes their way due to not being allowed a smartphone.

Simply put, from my pov, I care more for my child's mental well being than their social standing among their peers.

Thank you

My 12 and 14 year olds still only have a Max of 2 hours per day on thinks like Snapchat and TikTok. That's a lot, and at only 12.

It's like society as a whole has lost perspective.

OP - try your way. Get a flip phone, or similar, and see how she does.

My children will get a phone in year 6 but will have no social media and that includes WhatsApp. I will not expose my children to strangers. Too many friends have told me about strange men joining their kids WhatsApp groups and sending weird messages. Also you can’t stop others sending media messages and I don’t want my kids to be exposed to porn and terrorism videos.

I will review my decision when they turn 13 which is the current legal age for social media, although really hoping our government go ahead and up the age to 16.

there is zero evidence to show that social media is a positive for children. It’s absolutely detrimental to their health.

May I just add that Snapchat is highly addictive? I'd have a constant daily battle with pupils when I told them to put away their phones: "I can't! I'll lose my streak!"

When a streak (whatever that is) was actually lost, I'd see genuine anger in children's faces - particularly when it came to boys. (Testosterone rage?)

My oldest son had a smartphone from Y6, but my youngest son will be getting a basic Nokia. Neither have social media. Different children have different needs and it’s not a one-size-fits-all issues.
From my point of view, times have moved on, we all know more about the effects of smartphones on kids now, and youngest son is on the ASD spectrum with a lack of impulse control. I’ll reconsider every few months, but am not keen on him having a smartphone until Y9/10.

You don’t see that your child’s mental health is directly linked to their “social standing” in schools though?

This has always been the case, it’s why bullying totally destroys mental health, confidence, self-esteem.

Kids can be absolute arseholes, they can be nasty, and they pick at any little insecurity or difference they can find.

@ICantChoose Do you have a secondary age child? The bullying can be absolutely shocking. I don't say this in defence of smartphones because I hate them but I had a shock at how badly the bullying can be in secondary school. Completely different to my own experience and I went to a pretty rough school.

Getting a bit of stick has turned into being physically assaulted on school premises, horrendous verbal abuse, unable to walk home from school due to fear of assault.

Obviously bullying can be made worse by phones as well. My point is please don't belittle parents who want their kids to fit in because not fitting in in a modern day state comp can be like living in hell for 5 years.

That said I do wish schools would ban smartphones in school and not use smart phones for homework etc and I am very open to minimising their use in childhood.

Parents seem more afraid of their kids being 'left out' of the digital toxicity than they are afraid of their kids being exposed to the digital toxicity!

It's so interesting hearing parents worrying about being left out when kids are known to be negatively affected by joining in.

Thank you, I am glad I’m not the only parent. We have worked on her confidence so much, she was always low on self esteem. I am so proud of her and how her confidence has grown over the last year. She’s house captain and reminds me daily she is the most interesting person I will ever meet 😂 . I am going to stick with it, I will consider the possibility of a brick phone if she starts going out with friends in the future. Will definitely look at the links smartphone free