To not allow my almost 11 yo a mobile phone

[Dottycotton86]

Back story my now 19 yo son had a phone on his first year of secondary school. This was a huge learning curve and I have decided that my daughter will not be allowed one this young. At what age do you think is suitable to have a phone. I am only see negatives with a phone and lots of positive to not having one. At the moment she doesn’t seem that bothered but I am sure this will change. Anyone on the same position how will you deal with the peer pressure once she is at school. I don’t want her to feel isolated

Whats worse? Being left out or...

Having your attention span ruined by apps.
Being bullied on social media.
Being groomed on social media.
Accessing extreme content on any number of platforms.
Not working on your ability to entertain yourself.
Not having time to get bored and be creative.

There's increasing awareness of how damaging smartphones are for young people, especially girls. You'd have to be living under a rock surely to be unaware of this?

There's likely to be some other children who don't have smartphones too, so no way of really knowing if your child is going to be left out.

In any case, being 'left out' while at home is definitely the lesser of all the evils.

You ignored the second part of my post so I will repeat

Better to monitor and teach how to use it safely.

@AliceMcK no I am not punishing her. Or blaming my son for making mistakes. I am learning from my mistakes as a parent and trying to do better

It is fine to have no phone in primary but it can be an issue in secondary. All socialising is organised on their phones on WhatsApp so if they don’t have one, they are out of the loop. I know girls weren’t invited to stuff because it was ‘too much hassle’ to contact them.

Also want to add that you could get her a basic flip phone ect instead if you're still not keen. I had those when I was younger myself which was the norm and I know a few parents these days who are only allowing those phones til their children are 16. Although my brother wants his daughter to get her first proper smartphone at 18 which is more on the extreme end 🤣

My daughter got a very old iPhone at 9 when she started walking herself to school. I locked it down and it’s been fine. She was one of the last in the class as most kids got one in p5. For high school I got her a slightly less old iPhone - still no social media except WhatsApp. They all have iPads all day anyway so have little to protect her from with too much screen time as it’s pretty nonstop at school. She’s very uninterested in all the drama but all her friends have Snapchat so show her all sorts of nonsense. About to get my p4 son a watch as he’s going to walk himself to school soon and is 100% less reliable than my daughter so want something physically attached to him. Will get him an old iPhone in p6 most likely.

Theres no chance she won’t be isolated but if you’re isolating her from something you want to keep her away from then that’s your choice as a parent and you can stand by it. There’s plenty of things I don’t allow my daughter that others have, everyone has a line they won’t cross. I get very twitchy about my daughter being out after dark while plenty of her friends are roaming around for hours yet.

It’s not a punishment. It’s protecting kids from things they’re not mature enough to handle.

To set the record straight my son is in year 9 and he has never needed a smart phone for anything. He does use Google to research stuff but on his chrome book.

In terms of safety if this worries anyone then a dumb phone and/ or AirTag is just as useful. More so when you consider how many kids get mugged for phones, wander about not paying attention and in worse case scenarios get groomed or worse online.

Age 16.

And you can be 100% sure they are sticking to your rules, and can be trusted to use it safely? You think they'll never find a way around your controls and never hide anything from you?

Because I know I've got a bit of a problem with my phone... spend way too much time on mumsnet for example... used to lose a lot of time to insta reels etc, noticed my attention span reduced and was reading novels etc way less... spending less time outside, less time moving my body... less time connecting with people in real life and real social interactions... so you think a developing teenagers mind can avoid all that, even if an adult can't?

Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm wrong. But you can't ever be 100% sure, so I don't think the risk is worth it.

https://www.thetimes.com/life-style/parenting/article/what-age-should-child-have-phone-w9cls3rnw

There’s a massive “smartphone free childhood” movement now to promote kids being kids without social media. Loads of parents are sending their kids to secondary without smartphones now, we’ve all seen the shit show they’ve caused, time to put an end to it. Maybe you could connect with other local parents in the group for support?

smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk

I also agree, no monitoring is failsafe and the kids are always ahead of you, and IRL no one I know spends hours looking at what their kids face been doing daily. Plus you need a degree in cyber-recovery to get half the stuff back.

Of course you should still try, but it’s not the answer to this, and definitely second best to kids not having a smartphone in the first place.

@WinterBones

What's the difference between having a smart phone and having a dumb phone with a tablet?? Why not just put the restrictions you have on the tablet on a smart phone? Genuine question.

As the 2nd child, girl after a boy whose parents “learnt from their mistakes” with my older brother, I can assure you you are punishing her. I absolutely hated my parents using the “learning from their mistakes” lines and being or not being able to do things because my older brothers behaviour.

They 100% need them for starting secondary school imo.

Moat kids will have one and it’s how they establish friendships outside of school hours. It’s unfair for your child to be left out and they’ll resent you.

We just make sure it’s well locked down. All apps have to be approved. Can set a time it shuts off if you want. Can see how long they are spending on each app. Make it so set numbers only.

One of mine uses a lot of the art apps and of course homework is all set via the bloody apps and bus tickets on app otherwise it’s £10 per week more expensive.

In my opinion, giving children smartphones should be as socially unacceptable as giving them cigarettes and alcohol. I think you are doing absolutely the right thing OP. You are protecting your child.

My two are only little so we don't have to face this yet but I am crossing everything that our government starts caring enough about children to ban smartphones entirely until 18. Our kids deserve a childhood. I genuinely can't believe primary school kids are expected to use apps and that they use tablets in school. Mine will not be doing that. I feel very strongly about it. No homework will be done if it involves a screen. School can like it or lump it, my kids are not guinea pigs for the effects of screen time on young brains. We all can see how catastrophic the effects have been.

For now she doesn’t see it as a punishment. Unfortunately as a parent we can’t always please our children and of one day she does see it as a punishment, I will be open with her about why I made those choices. My gut feeling tells me she will thank me for it one day.

I'm sorry this happened to your daughter but you can have a phone which makes calls without having the internet.
People seem to think giving their kids a phone means giving them as smart phone. Mine will be getting a flip phone or the like, so they can get hold of me and text their friends.

Because from what I have seen the most damaging issue is having access 24/7 to the internet/ social media. Kids don’t cart iPads around with them on the bus/ on a bike/ to the park in the same way as they do phones, so they don’t have that temptation. We have rule that iPads are only watched in the lounge or the playroom at home and we have a filter so much less chance of them watching something dodgy.

Also in schools it’s much more difficult to surreptitiously look at an iPad and send messages, or take a photo up someone’s skirt or of the teacher.

And I am not completely sure but I think WhatsApp doesn’t really work on iPads without mobile connectivity.

FWIW I also think that there’ll be a complete ban on smartphones for 11 yr olds soon, I think we will look back at the last 20 years in the same way we look back now at people smoking when pregnant or driving on the motorway with no seatbelt.

YANBU
I'd look for a school which strictly bans them so you have back up.
DD got one at 14 & I still think that's too early. Before that it was dumb phone then jelly phone (which did have WhatsApp meaning she could coordinate with friends for meet ups as well as see the bullying on the group chat)

My 12 year old doesn’t have a smartphone. There are a few other kids in her year who don’t but they are definitely in a minority. It’s basically fine though. She is slightly different but still has a great social life and plenty of friends. She is not bullied. She is saved all the addiction and distraction and spends her time reading and playing instead. Homework is done on a laptop.

I always said that I wouldn’t give her one unless being without one caused major social problems. What’s wrong with just waiting to see? Give her a phone only when you absolutely have to.

Personally I would ignore the ‘they’ll be left out crowd’ this can be said of many things and we don’t automatically rush to get/do them for our children. As a secondary school teacher who has seen first hand the realities of kids with mobiles (porn/nudes/incel culture/vile bullying on chats etc) I would say dumb phone until 16 minimum. We have never set homework that can only be accessed by phone, the best schools won’t and any school should give you an alternative is you explain your reasoning. I would say what I say to any parent who has asked me the same question in the past, they may be left out of some situations but I would rather they be occasionally left out than experience some of the things I have seen children experience when they have smartphones, I would not do it to my children

16 for a smartphone. 13 for a brick.