To not allow my almost 11 yo a mobile phone

[Dottycotton86]

Back story my now 19 yo son had a phone on his first year of secondary school. This was a huge learning curve and I have decided that my daughter will not be allowed one this young. At what age do you think is suitable to have a phone. I am only see negatives with a phone and lots of positive to not having one. At the moment she doesn’t seem that bothered but I am sure this will change. Anyone on the same position how will you deal with the peer pressure once she is at school. I don’t want her to feel isolated

My 7 and 9 year olds both have phones because they do organise things socially (7 year old tends to run round and knock rather than phone though) and do walk and cycle by themselves. My 9 year old phones her friends a lot to see if they are free to play and to organise where to meet. They both phone us to let us know if they want to go round a friend's house after school. Phones are indeed useful! It's very normal where we live for children to have lots of freedom to play out and meet their friends independently and imo the benefits of that vastly outweigh the risks.

BUT they are brick phones - no internet, no cameras, call and text only. I don't see any reason they can't continue to call their friends to organise things well into their teenage years. Absolutely no need to be sending pictures, videos or links to each other or anything that can't be done on a basic Nokia. I've no intention of giving them smartphones any time soon.

If they connect it to the wifi it flags up and if they don’t it pops up on our network as a connectable device anyway. Bit like air tags let you know it’s there. Our router tells us there is a device that can connect if it’s detected for so long or his deliberately gone into pairing mode. Dh set it up when doing all the fucking smart bulbs 😅

If you give your child the tech you as the adult have to be able to 100% understand it. Far too many parents don’t and that is where the problems come from.

They can only watch hours of TikTok if you let them, they can only be up till 2am texting if you let them. Being a parent extends to the phones but far too many cnba.

The thing is it really angers me we’re meant to accept this is just the world now. And bow to pressure to spend ££ on giving children something that impacts their attention and brings a world of risk with it (let alone endless fights re limiting it!)

This serves billionaires in Silicon Valley but no one else.
I am praying we go the way of Australia, I’m glad people are standing up to the power and influence of tech.

We didn't give our daughter a phone until she had started secondary school and she turned 12 that September.
She's not allowed any social media or WhatsApp
She is absolutely thriving, loads of friends and at a different club everyday after school. In no way has it been detrimental to her by holding off getting a her a phone or restricting what is on it. In fact it's been my best parenting decision so far even if I do say so myself.

I have a 19yo as well and if I’d had another child they wouldn’t have been allowed a phone until they were 14 at least.
My dd had controls on her phone and still managed to download an app that resulted in her messaging random men aged 13 😢
I personally think the isolation from friends excuse is bullshit, if I had my way mobile phones would be banned completely for under 16s.
I managed to survive until the grand age of 21yo without a mobile phone there’s no reason for children to have one imo.

I think in the future they will be banned for under 16s much like smoking was.

Ok…I’m 46… for first 10 years of my life my parents decided to not let me watch Tv as felt it would be detrimental to my learning and education. (I went in to film school and work in film…;) … but…) I think it wasn’t a bad move. I read voraciously, had a reading age years above my my actual age and had a wild imagination as result. I didn’t have the social connections forged around TV and it was thought of as a bit odd. I’ve never seen an episode of Dallas or dynasty to this day ;). I say this as I think mobile phones for people under 16… it’s mental. Luddite warning in coming! They are actually mobile computers not phones. As an adult the overwhelm of social media, information, information being shared at a non human pace … it’s too much for us let alone lil kid brains. War and porn drive technology and the amount of violence and sex - I swear this so driving the massive rise in kink, fetishisation etc. I am totally fine with all of this but have seen in younger generation a massive massive rise in dom/ sub interest. A bit of a tangent but the balance btw being tech literate vs the damage the literal addictive nature of mobiles has - id side with you and say no til older.

Kate Winslet did it.

There are phones and there are smart phones. A phone without internet for text messages would be fine.

My humble opinion is that 15 is probably okay for a smart phone- you've come through the worst of the teen years by then and everyone is a bit more settled identity wise. It might coincide with GCSE years so would need monitoring / making sure they are being mature enough with it.

I just think it ruins childhood - I was moody enough as a teen but at least I dealt with problems by trying to fix them not escape from them on my phone.

It’s a super difficult issue - and I’m not at the stage of tackling this yet - but I don’t think I will allow a smartphone until Year 9. Although I think there’s a good chance that social norms will have changed by the time I get to that point and people will think the idea of giving an 11 year old a smartphone is deranged rather than an irresponsible way to get them ostracised.

Very much agree. A good friend is very high up at Meta (Facebook) and rhe little he can share fills me with dread. 10 years ago they specifically targeted 10-12 age group as they knew teens/20s were migrating to other platforms. He told me he has a basic phone with hacks like keeping the brightness at medium and only basic apps as internally it’s recognized how addictive these things are. The amount of crap and manipulation these companies research, test and then push out purely to keep us on the apps is well, insidious. Knowing the damage they are doing. It is not for young minds at all.

What is Kahoots?!

I'd like to see either of them try, and tbh, i genuinely don't think either of them would even think about it, i'm a reasonable parent and any website they want access to i'm open to discussing and compromising on.

I have very regular conversations about internet safety, and the dangers of social media and what can happen when things go wrong, and the long reaching consequences of that.

They have no need to sneak stuff past me to bypass my very sensible restrictions that have been made with their agreement, input, and understanding.

Hold of as long as possible. My 14yo has a brick phone, my 11yo doesn’t have anything. It can be done - they will moan and moan, but too bad.

We've had issues at school with a child getting around the school's filters and controls. Children can use 'safe' apps (Google sheets, scratch) to access sites and keywords which are blocked.

You only need to look to Silicon Valley to see the writing on the wall - they are not giving their own children phones!

I thought i was reasonable to and restrictions sensible (i.e. no porn, no bullying)
Bu he just didn't want to leave it downstairs overnight. And its quite a few years ago now, our router didn't "tell us" there was another phone in the house.

this is why we compromise. the smartphone is new, currently she is happy to leave it downstairs over night, but she is allowed her tablet in her room, she also has her switch and steam deck up there, but she isn't one for staying on them late, she likes her sleep, lol.

if that changes we'll talk about it.

The parents at eldest grand- daughters cohort at school have decided between them not to allow any of them mobile phones, unfortunately they only at primary but would be great if it continued. I understand the pressures to have one todays news from the NCA does nothing to reassure that they are a good idea

I remember as a teen getting in from school and straightaway calling my friends, on the house phone, in the kitchen! Wanting to be in touch with friends constantly isn't a new thing, as long as you set up security, have rules, monitor etc 11 is fine. Presumably your 11 yo has plenty of rules around other things, this is just something to add to it.

Mine have had phones since before 11, divorced parents, made contact easier when apart. Now at 11 and 13 they don't even see them as a big deal, and often leave at home. They both know I reserve the right to look through their whole phone at any point though!

After watching Adolescence I would not be giving my child a phone for as long as possible, regardless of if people say ‘oh but she will be left out’. Perhaps a phone that can call and text only but smart phones absolutely not, it’s a dangerous environment out there on the internet and there needs to be more restrictions put in place

I would like to know what safeguards parents who won’t don’t allow smart phones have on the tablets and computers and laptops. To stop their children accessing a lot of what they are scared of on phones. Because if you can ban it on the pc you can ban it on the phone.

Including access to the phone

My dc had phones when they started needing to contact us. Internet was turned off until they were 16. So 13 for ds1 and 11 for the others. Youngest has autism and emotional development delay so I am reluctant for him to have a phone tbh.

Depends on the schools they attend and the sports clubs. We have found an iPhone with WhatsApp has been very useful for our 12yo. I monitor the phone and have nearly all the apps locked out.

I have an iPhone and managing his screen time is very easy from it. Almost impossible to get round as far as I can tell. But it means he can only access websites and apps I have allowed him to access.

anyway. Worth considering.

I gave my son a phone at a similar age, he hardly ever charges it - I made sure it was a really rubbish one. As I thought he would lose/ break it. He has no problem organising stuff with friends but if anything it's a pain with school. They have introduced a QR code to register into clubs - but aren't allowed phones at school! Not helpful as I think it sends mixed messages. So now has to ask a teacher to register him in.

So you think leaving it until she’s desperate to have one is best?

Giving her one now that she can pick up or leave is good, she knows she dosnt have to be on it ever waking moment like her friends. Give it her when hormones are surging and everyone is putting everything on their phones where she feels she’s missing out and she’s going to struggle with being able to put it down.

But you can put restrictions on a phone in the same way as you can a tablet, including blocking internet access during school hours.

But you can do that on a phone as well. My daughter has a Parent Shield sim and the Family Link app, she can only visits websites I approve. Same for downloading apps. It's all time restricted as well.

I hope I'm not coming across as argumentative, I'm just trying to understand as I think there's a massive middle ground between unfetted access to the entire internet and banning smartphones until adulthood.