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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow my almost 11 yo a mobile phone

192 replies

Dottycotton86 · 25/03/2025 12:36

Back story my now 19 yo son had a phone on his first year of secondary school. This was a huge learning curve and I have decided that my daughter will not be allowed one this young. At what age do you think is suitable to have a phone. I am only see negatives with a phone and lots of positive to not having one. At the moment she doesn’t seem that bothered but I am sure this will change. Anyone on the same position how will you deal with the peer pressure once she is at school. I don’t want her to feel isolated

OP posts:

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newdiamondring · 26/03/2025 18:24

Another thread with similar topic

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5301666-parents-of-younger-children-are-you-thinking-of-delaying-smartphone-for-your-dc?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Parents of younger children, are you thinking of delaying smartphone for your DC? | Mumsnet

My child is in reception and we have signed the parent pact with Smartphone Free Childhood pledging not to introduce a smartphone to our child till ag...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5301666-parents-of-younger-children-are-you-thinking-of-delaying-smartphone-for-your-dc

CowboyJoanna · 07/04/2025 20:19

Attheendoftheday86 · 25/03/2025 18:29

We didn't give our daughter a phone until she had started secondary school and she turned 12 that September.
She's not allowed any social media or WhatsApp
She is absolutely thriving, loads of friends and at a different club everyday after school. In no way has it been detrimental to her by holding off getting a her a phone or restricting what is on it. In fact it's been my best parenting decision so far even if I do say so myself.

Whats the point of her having a phone if she cant talk to her friends on it then?

Stanley44132 · 07/04/2025 23:06

CowboyJoanna · 07/04/2025 20:19

Whats the point of her having a phone if she cant talk to her friends on it then?

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In case she needs to get hold of her parents?! Presumably can also text friends but doesn’t get sucked into big WhatsApp groups or spend the night doom scrolling

RoundSquareWithTriangles · 08/04/2025 12:04

I wish it was more normal for 11 year olds not to have them. As it is, I will be getting ds one in the last term of primary.

Also just because your dd hasn't asked for one, doesn't mean she doesn't want one. I didn't ask for stuff that I knew my mum didn't approve of.

Chungai · 08/04/2025 12:06

mylittlekomododragon · 25/03/2025 12:40

She will be isolated and you’re setting her up to be different right from the start of secondary school. I think you need good parental controls and ground rules around the phone, but personally I think 10/11, starting secondary school is the right time for a phone.

YABU. This is the bollocks my friend told me too. My DC doesn't have a smartphone and not do a large handful of his mates. The ones that do have seen horrific content, bullying and slurs.

Chungai · 08/04/2025 12:15

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 25/03/2025 15:41

This is such a hard one OP. Like others have said, I don't think it's possible to blanket ban phones at this age without alienating your DC from their peers and you.

My DS 11 has had a phone for about 6 months now and we have an app on there and on my phone so I can restrict/ban all kinds of things from, from example, no Facebook allowed at all, 45 mins per day max on Tiktok and not allowed to post anything, no phone access at all at certain times etc.

Crucially, for me, I can also see all his internet searches and all his youtube searches. We had an incident a few months ago where a friend encouraged him to go on some "talk to random stranger" website - of course the random stranger would be an adult of the opposite sex. Luckily it scared him enough that he told me about it but it really brought home to me that we'd gotten way too lax with checking his phone.

I think, as parents, we have to look at mobiles, social media, the internet in general as somewhere new we have to parent. We can't just opt out of it by banning phones/controlling screen access.

The legal age for Tiktok in this country is 13 and in other countries it's 16. I suggest you research what content is available on there and served to young males especially before you make suggestions to others.

Chungai · 08/04/2025 12:16

RoundSquareWithTriangles · 08/04/2025 12:04

I wish it was more normal for 11 year olds not to have them. As it is, I will be getting ds one in the last term of primary.

Also just because your dd hasn't asked for one, doesn't mean she doesn't want one. I didn't ask for stuff that I knew my mum didn't approve of.

Why, when you don't want to get your child one? It's insanity!

Resist, join SFC and encourage other parents you know to do the same.

RoundSquareWithTriangles · 08/04/2025 12:17

I was in two minds about getting a phone for secondary school. One school I looked round had a no phones in the school day policy. I could see how not having a phone could work there.

The school that ds got into actually says that phones will sometimes be used in lessons. I don't see how it would be fair not to get ds one now.

Chungai · 08/04/2025 12:18

AlleeBee · 26/03/2025 10:05

But you can do that on a phone as well. My daughter has a Parent Shield sim and the Family Link app, she can only visits websites I approve. Same for downloading apps. It's all time restricted as well.

I hope I'm not coming across as argumentative, I'm just trying to understand as I think there's a massive middle ground between unfetted access to the entire internet and banning smartphones until adulthood.

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For me it's having it in your pocket constantly drawing you to check it and this feeding addiction. I don't see people walking along the street or in a cafe with friends or sat at bus stops on their tablets. But 90% will be checking their phones.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 08/04/2025 12:33

@Chungai you're pretty late to the party but I said "for example FB and TT" - those were random selections and not intended to be indicative of what my son is/isn't allowed to access🙄

Jeschara · 08/04/2025 13:07

I don't think your daughter will thank you for making her feel different. This could also lead to bullying and embarrasment for her.
I think you need to step up and give her a phone and use the parental controls, and tell her you will be checking her phone.
Alot of her friends will be in WhatsApp groups and she may start to feel left out. I could not do that.
Please do not make her pay for the mistakes you made with her brother. Like it or not phones and technology are part of their world.
I think you are being very unreasonable.
I had a Mother when I was a child who made me feel different from my peers, phones were not a thing when I was younger as I am older, I grew up resentful and eventually I hated her. She us long passed abd I still feel the same.

GeorgeMichaelsMicStand · 08/04/2025 14:04

I wouldn’t get her a smart phone. Just the cheapest text type handset. Your rules

mewkins · 08/04/2025 15:19

Dottycotton86 · 25/03/2025 12:52

This is my main fear, her wellbeing and connecting with the real world. She is so full of smiles and creative, she loves art and photographs so has a scrap book and pencils on her hand constantly. I think I’m just scared she will get sucked into the fake world of social media and loose her spark

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Having a phone needn't be of detriment to this though. You could easily restrict phone availability at home, which is the main time she's being creative anyway. My dd uses her phone/tablet to look at crochet/making stuff tutorials. She makes Pinterest boards of projects etc. They can be used for good. Also having a camera to hand at all times helps creativity.

My ds (almost 11 and one of the youngest in his class) has literally just got a phone and he and his friends use it to create short videos etc. It is useful him having one now as it means he can contact me to ask to go to the park etc. It was quite hard work without a phone.

musicinme · 08/04/2025 15:47

Can I please ask how children do their homework without a smart phone? I am a foster carer and currently have 3 unrelated boys with us, two in year 7 and one in year 8. They all attend different schools and all need their phone for homework. I had assumed they could use tablets or laptops for their homework, but the reality is some of it can only be done on their smart phones.

elliejjtiny · 08/04/2025 16:16

musicinme · 08/04/2025 15:47

Edited

My boys use the family computer to use class charts and do their homework. They use educake, sparx reader and sparx maths.

CowboyJoanna · 11/04/2025 17:59

Chungai · 08/04/2025 12:06

YABU. This is the bollocks my friend told me too. My DC doesn't have a smartphone and not do a large handful of his mates. The ones that do have seen horrific content, bullying and slurs.

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Your son will see those things regardless. Phones aren't the great evil bogeyman, they just need to be used carefully

Attheendoftheday86 · 15/04/2025 13:50

CowboyJoanna · 07/04/2025 20:19

Whats the point of her having a phone if she cant talk to her friends on it then?

Show quote history

It's for contacting us if her plans change after school and needs collecting later. She can text her friends. She definitely doesn't need WhatsApp or social media to stay connected to her friends.

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