Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

I was a child with two step parents and of course I didn't expect them to love me, nor I them. Why would they/I have, just because my parents had feelings for them? It makes no sense emotionally.

In time (it took more than a decade) I came to develop a loving relationship with one, and not the other. It would have been weird if they professed to love me like their own children.

Just tell him to move out if you don't want to have the step mother role, that's really the only option here.

I think a lot of people would move out if the DSC moved in full time. Why do we have to pretend that anyone would enjoy living with someone else's children full time? We do our best at either 50/50 or EOW but its not easy. But you're not supposed to say that.

Erm no, but you've had a kid with his dad? So he's your child's brother, maybe treat him nicely?

Interesting.

LOL! They are not the same. 🙄
Not legally, morally, socially, mentally, emotionally or even physically. OP has no legal responsibilities for her DP's son, which fits since she also has no legal right to him either. A married stepmother has to go through a divorce. An unmarried non-step-mother can show the DP and his kids the door at any time if she owns the house, which in this case, she does.

MNers are quite the bunch! 😆

Nice try luv, but you failed. My DC are adults who went out into the world some years ago after leaving uni, and now have their own homes, their own partners, and their own very successful careers.

And I am also 'a regular old mommy who is married to their father.' 🙄 Nice little snipe at divorced people and step parents there by the way. Did it give you a little dopamine hit dishing out that barbed comment to people who have had broken relationships, whilst you sit on your smug pedestal judging them all?

What a rude post!

How the f is this interesting??? What a stalker !!!

Well, I actually don't disagree that it may be in ss's best interests to have a closer relationship with his mother. Particularly as it will likely breed resentment in him that she is able to keep her other child, but not him. And particularly as you don't feel bonded to him, so he's likely missing a significantly nurturing presence in his life. However, it sounds like the root cause of your feelings is that you feel your dp's attention is disproportionately spent on his son rather than your child together. As others have said, this is more of a dp problem.

Irrespective of whether or not you are married, you entered a relationship with a man with another child. I think it's pretty normal not to feel the all consuming love for a stepchild that you have for your own. I always tell my 8yo dd that I love her as my daughter, and I love my 25yo stepdaughter as a step daughter. It's still love, just a different kind of love. But if you start a life with a man with a child, logic follows that you should have your eyes open - if the child's other parent dies for example, then you take on that responsibility.

In this case though, I think this is more about your relationship with your dp and addressing any resentment there in the first instance.

Your OH and his parents seem to be good people who have done everything they can for the child. It sounds like they would do anything to keep him and don’t want the biological mother involved, whereas you feel the opposite.

I completely hear you, I’m not sure I could ever bond with a child who wasn’t mine, but I would never get involved with a man who had kids. I suppose you have two options, carry on and accept that this child is going to be part of your life forever, or you could break it off and live in your own house with your own child, but your OH and his child are always going to be in your life as they are related to your daughter. You’re in it for the long haul with these people regardless, it’s just whether you feel you can fulfill the role as loving step-mum. I think you need to forget the bio Mum, she’s out of the picture. She seems ok with this and so do your OH, his parents and the boy.

As a general point, being a step mum is probably the hardest role in a family there is. And just when you think you're doing a reasonable job along will come something not particularly important in the scheme of things, but really cutting to you that shows nobody really values what you do. Omitting you from a family dinner, or someone saying 'she's only his step mum' for example.
So ignore all the pile on about you knew what you were getting into etc. You obviously care enough to try and resolve your issues and not just reject the SS because he's not your child.

His grandparents make his big life decisions with his dad all the time without consulting me

HRTFT. Did you read your OP before posting? You should never have become involved with your partner and had DD until you'd fully accepted his DS into your life. Imagine someone sending your DD away from you and the home where she's happily living with her parent.
That poor child

I’m not sending him away - did you read my post and others before writing this?

You say you are not legally a step parent because you are not married, but it doesn't matter. You all live together. You invited him to move in, you had a child with him knowing he already had a child and knowing he wasn't a high earner. What if the boy's mother had died suddenly? You'd have two of them full time and really wouldn't have grounds to complain, would you?

I get that there are bigger issues over how much he contributes financially and in terms of practical help in the house, but that's a separate issue that needs addressing.

Some people feel he's played you. Moved in to a nicely feathered nest that has made everything easy for him, provided his son with a comfortable home life that he could never have provided by himself. Some people seem to think that make him a cocklodger, and for the lack of help around the house alone, perhaps it does. But is he doing anything any differently than hundreds of thousands of single mums do? They find themselves a nice 'responsible' hard working, comfortably off man (who is nothing like their feckless ex, which is the whole point) to take care of them and their existing children. Then they make sure they have a baby with him so that their feet are well and truly under the table. There are many, many men taking full responsibility for children that are not theirs because the bio dad is useless,poor, feckless and/or absent. Is it the end of the world if it happens the other way around sometimes? You knew the score when you took him on.

If you aren't happy and you'd rather live alone with your own child or children, then fine. Do it. But if you want him then you have to accept he comes as a package deal. You don't get to sideline a child, when they are happy and settled living full time with that parent and that parent is happy to have them there.

If a man moved his female partner in, had a baby with her, then told her that he wanted her older child to start going 'home' for longer periods of time to his dad's to give 'their family' more time without him, knowing full well that the dad was flaky and largely uninterested in having him there, there would be uproar.

At the end of the day OP the SS is your partner's priority. If I was you I'd feel in a very catch-22 situation. I couldn't be with a man who put his relationship with me before his dependent child's needs. The bottom line is that this poor child for now at least only has his dad to love and care for him. You have to decide for yourself how much love and care you are able to offer but for God's sake don't do anything that gets in the way of a father providing for his son. If you and your partner ever split up you'd expect any future partner of his to show your child that same respect surely?

You’re a fool then, and he saw you coming.

Don’t marry him and extract yourself from the situation as soon as you possibly can

@BatchCookBabe I'm not really sure you can be calling people rude on here after what you've written towards other posters now can you #hypocrite

A few things here.

First thing I'll say is that even as a stepmum you don't necessarily love a stepchild in the same way as you do your own child, and that's okay. It's a different role and you don't have to be a replacement mother to be a positive person in a child's life. Read the book Stepmonster - a lot of the time it's healthier for stepmum to have more of an auntie type relationship with a stepchild.

Second thing - you mentioned DP and ex were young when they had SS and how DP parents seem to be very involved in everything. Did they dominate this decision about where SS lives? Has his mum had a full choice in it? Or is she genuinely not interested in having regular contact?

I don't think the answer is for you to speak with his ex. I think you could raise your concerns with DP and he should try and support contact in so far as is beneficial for his son. Sounds like he needs to keep his parents out of that decision. Aside from his mum, it might be worth thinking about it he would benefit from having more regular contact with his brother.

Ultimately your DP needs to lead here on parenting and supporting his son.

Why does MN make you feel incredibly attacked and then defensive for just being honest - I thought women supported one another on here

Unfortunately step mothers often get a hard time on here, often it seems from posters with no experience of stepfamilies

This is the least supportive place for step parents I’ve ever encountered.

OP, you’re doing great, don’t let these keyboard warriors get you down