Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

There's no legal difference between a married step parent or an unmarried one.

Crossed post. So the mother can look after one child.

OP, I'm an SM and my DDs has a shit mum who constantly kicked him out, he kept going back because all of his friends were near where his mum was. It was very difficult as I did so much for him but he always seemed to resent it or shove me away. Fast forward to him now being 26 years old and we have a brilliant relationship and have done since he was about 18. His relationship with our other children (all young adults) is fabulous too. Stick with him, it will be so worth it for your own DC.

I guess it’s just what he and I have come to in our relationship- you do know he’s not my life therefore not my responsibility? Or because I’m a woman does this mean he automatically makes me responsible?

I have boundaries so we don’t need to bond.
i am responsible and I provide him a home , help with his homework, cook, ferry him from here to there, advise him of issues - he can come to me over his mother

so call it what u will, it’s loving of sorts

Yes exactly

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck

They attack you and totally give the bio Mom a pass. A bio Mom that may need some help but has been denigrated by the poor kid's grandparents and father. Maybe she isn't capable to care for her son, but she could still have a relationship with her. Is the father making it difficult for the DS to even see his DM, or brainwashing him to hate his DM?

You mean the MOTHER. Bio mum indeed. Are you a bitter and angry stepmum by any chance?

Does he see his brother at all then?
9 is very young to have a broken down relationship with your mum particularly when a brother is still there

Exactly!

Yes! What's so crazy about that?

As so often happens, the first post nails it.

You’re in a partnership with a man with a child, you become a stepmother. You can’t choose not to. Poor kid, the relationship with his mum broken down and you don’t want him either. Good for your DH stepping up.

YABVU. Do better.

👏Yep. This. ^

You've said that you want your OH to support his ex more, presumably as a way of helping her to have a better relationship with DS. What do you think that support should look like?

OP you sound quite resentful that you have provided a home and lots of other htings for your partner and his son. You are facilitating their whole relationship because if you hadn't had a house and/or allowed your partner to live with you its more likely that your SS would still be with his Mum. Do you feel used at all?
It does sound like your partner isn't a lot of use, if thats the case and you decide not to be with him any more then thats a valid option for you. He will have to find somewhere else to live and so will his son

Do you see the other son @mumsthewordi? Does your partner pay towards him is that why he doesn’t contribute to you?

Yes I do feel used

I contribute more if you count mortgage and holidays - he does have a lot of time for him. He’s a dad with a teen son, guess inevitable- had less in common with our toddler right now.

I got to the end of page one and all the typical MN step mum bashing. Boring.

anyway, OP. It sounds to me like you’d just like her to be more active and build more of a relationship with her son so that HE doesn’t miss out?! It certainly isn’t your place to fill in for her , it sounds like you’re already doing all the things you should do In Your situation.

you will never win on this forum if you’re not willing to sell your soul for your step kids, of course their ‘bio mum’ doesn’t need to step up 🙄 it’s all your fault obviously!!

It's almost impossible to think of a situation where a mother has full residential responsibility for one child but has no capacity to have a relationship and some residential care for another who is nine years old. But if your step son goes 50/50 with his mother then his brother might too with his dad. Which wouldn't exactly resolve the issues of time your partner can spend with you and your shared daughter. He has 3 children (that we know of), that's time consuming for any parent, never mind one with children in different houses.

I am not choosing not to though

She does not love him and there is nothing you can do about it.
Carry on with what you are doing. You are doing great.

"Do better"? Are you kidding? She does everything for this boy. It's her home that he lives in she pays for everything he needs, she ferries him around, she's kind to him, he feels able to talk to her, she parents him in every way.

The only thing she's concerned about is that she doesn't love him like she does her own child, and that she thinks he and his mum should be encouraged to have more contact.

The amount of spite for step mums on this forum, is horrific. I'm not a step mum, but I feel for any of them who dare ask advice on here.

Nope, not at all. Just a regular old mommy to wonderful children and married to their father, something rare these days it seems. Are you a lazy, "overworked" mommy who doesn't want her kids around by any chance? 😉

Go after his mum for CM and take a step back so his actual dad does more for him. No point in letting people walk all over you and complain about being a doormat

I feel sorry for this boy. His mother isn't seemingly that bothered about him and you aren't either. Yet you want his father to give him less attention too? And you seem resentful of your OH for both having a child and not earning as much as you - both of which you presumably knew when you met. You also admit that he cooks and cleans and contributes despite saying earlier that you're responsible for everything.

Only you know whether this is true but you seem a bit like one of those male breadwinners who resent it when children come along and they're no longer the centre of attention.

Children deserve love and attention and it's to your OH's credit that he gives his son this. It's only for a few more years and he'll want to hang out with his mates more than you!