Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

When step children are mentioned, common sense and support fly out of the window.

Sounds like OP does a shit load more for him than either of his actual parents and I can't believe she is getting a hard time for it on here just because she doesn't love him. She isn't obliged to love him, just treat him well and ther is no suggestion she isn't doing that
Hopefully his parents love him instead, especially since they are doing very little else for him.
OP, you say you feel used and it may be that you are. You are very convenient for everyone else involved but you do have a choice, you can ditch your Partner and make him move out. Its your house and it sounds like you would be ok without him financially.
As long as you try and make the transition as easy as possible for his son then you would be doing nothing wrong at all in making that choice
You are making things easy for everyone else in this situation so maybe consider making things easier for yourself and your child instead?

I’m confused. You say you feel blindsided by having to be a step mum. But presumably, you moved a hands-on father into your home full time and had another child with him. Correct? You focused on your own child/pregnancy and what? Hoped the existing child would just disappear so you and baby could have DP all to yourself?

You literally chose this. Sure, you might have assumed the child would still spend time with his DM and he doesn’t. But that was never a guarantee. A DM passing away, abandoning their child, or just taking a firm backseat to parenting is a very real reality you should have prepared for before having a child with a father.

Your partner and his son come as a package.

That’s because you are being used—you’re the property owner/manager, chef, laundrette, taxi driver, cleaner, and bill payer.

You've provided housing for him and his dad, a secure home and practical support and opportunities. You admit you don't have the same love that you have for your child. But what you have provided is more than alot of parents do for their own children. Is this recognised in the family or just taken for granted as is usually the case with step parents.

So mum has 1 child and you and partner have the other?
Maybe this suits mum, she has half the responsibility, half the work and half the cost. Was it agreed your partner doesn't pay child support for the child that still lives with mum?
Personally I would have all my kids with me and visitation with their dad but everyone is different. Your feeling are valid and close relationships dont always come automatically if ever at all. Nobody can force it on you, if anything it could make you feel more distant. The only positive here is your daughter and half brother have a lovely relationship and you should continue to encourage that
I dont have the answer for you but I do sympathise.

Judgment is the modus operandi on mumsnet. Unfortunately, I’ve found women are generally not that supportive of each other, and mumsnet is no exception.

I would say it is normal that you don’t feel the same sort of love as a stepmother that you do as a mother. It isn’t great that the biological mother of the child simply isn’t interested. You have to decide how you can lower the resentment level if you want to stay in the relationship, and I’d agree that means talking to your partner about getting the mother of his child more involved in his upbringing if you can. Giving your stepson a decent home IMHO makes you a superhero.

@MissDoubleU why would DP and SS be more important than OP? That makes no sense at all.

Do you think it sounds like it was in the best interest of SS for contact with his mother to be discouraged when it sounds like she may have been able to have a better relationship with her son if she had more support?

I think your attention to detail here is being skewed by your desire to deride OP for no good reason that I can see.

Op I feel for you. But more … I feel for this child who has by the sound of it been somewhat poisoned against his bio mum by dgp and dad, and who doesn’t spend much time with his other sibling let alone his mum.

It is so sad.

i think you need to tell dp that his bitterness is ruining his son’s chance of a full and meaningful relationship with his mum and her other child. He will look back and blame his dad for not trying harder to improve contact, I’m sure of it.

Teen years are hard; it’s sometimes hard to love them! Stick with it. On the other side of the teen years you may find that whilst you aren’t consumed with maternal love, you have a huge amount of shared history and familial love which means something to you both. Continue to be the best step parent you can be, don’t let the situation get te better of you.

Rude was your little dig at stepmothers. But you knew that. You are just a disingenuous, rude, nasty ***. But, you already knew that, too. LOL!

Your poor SS is a side issue. The primary issue is that you've had a baby with a cock lodger.

If his Dad is the better parent he needs to be living with dad! I can’t see why that wouldn’t be obvious.

Your partner obviously had to pay his fair share and do his share of housework / the majority of parenting DSS though.

The exact same set of circumstances written with a better choice of words would have resulted in 10 pages of kick the cocklodger and his son out.

There is no way you should be getting flamed for this. Other than the fact you've made some questionable choices about having children with this man and letting him move in you haven't done anything wrong imo

Agreed. We have a “my cocklodger moved his son in” situation here.

If your step sons mum was a good mum previously, it’s dreadful that your partner didn’t support and facilitate his sons relationship with his mother. I suppose it really depends on what was going on with the mum though, was she a loving, capable mum before, can she just not be arsed or is she struggling with mental health issues etc.

Your partner and his family don’t seem to understand the enormity of the situation for this boy. Obviously if your step sons mum isn’t suitable for him to live with, then he stays with his dad and you have been naive to the fact that that is always a possibility when having a relationship with someone who has children, but you seem to be saying that if it was handled better, your step son could be living happily between the houses of his mum and dad. If that is the case, this young boy has really been let down.

Your partner also seems to have just let the situation continue, without much thought for you either. He doesn’t sound like a great dad, co parent with ex, or partner to you.

Dear OP
I hear you and understand what you are saying.
I too felt terrible for my SS when he lived with us because his mother took it as an opportunity to disengage from him completely and it all fell on me.
I didn’t believe she was a bad mother and she had other children who were happy to stay with her but she seemed to be a bit emotionally immature and was punishing him with her distance because he had chosen to live with his dad.
I almost insisted on visitation (she had my SD living with her and she was with us on other weekends so I made sure that the arrangement was SS was to visit his mom on the other weekends so he effectively saw his sister every weekend). If it was left to his mum she would never have seen him.

But my post is to actually let you know that MN is not the friendliest place to step mothers. So chin up for all the hate you have received here, it’s par for the course and not personal. ❤️❤️❤️

Another step mother here, but older.

According to the binary thinking on MN we must either be saints or evil; there is no middle ground.

It sounds like you have clear insight into your situation, and refreshing honesty!

I bonded with my stepchildren (like you, I wasn't married to their Dad) but didn't love them in a maternal way. Sounds like you are the same. I also sometimes felt used by their family, and trapped in the relationship with their Dad as I felt it unfair to rock their boat any more.

Our outcome was, I stayed with their Dad longer than I should have done. Step children and I now have a good, solid relationship but it's not a mother-child one, more older, respected (and loved) friend to younger loved friend.

OP, I hear you. What you are feeling is valid. You will, I suspect have to find your own way with this.

Massive respect for your situation, and the fact that you are trying to get clarity.

So the mum is ‘useless’ despite providing exactly the same parenting as the dad? One child each. The mum has been slated for not providing maintenance, is the father for his other child?

you now find yourself in a very hard situation op which there is really no good way out of.

can you try to empathise what it must be like for your dss? He’s 9. His thinking will be black and white, and lacking empathy, as per children. So he is not wanted by his mother. He has a step sister who he lives with who is in private school whereas he isn’t? (I’m not saying that you should pay for that, I’m asking you to think about what that feels like from his pov).

Ah now we get the full story.
So there's no child support because they each have 1 of the children rather than mum shirkingher responsibilitiesas you implied, and how often does this prince of a man see his other child?
More to the point what will you do if the other dc wants to live with dad full time too?

You've posted on AIBU which is an open invitation for people to basically be as harsh as they want. The individual/dedicated boards tend to be more polite.

I think the responses you have received are interesting. You've shared how much you do for SS and you're being slated just because you don't feel a strong bond.

Wanting a child to reconcile with their mother and potentially go to 50/50 is perfectly reasonable, it's not like you are trying to kick him out. If he doesn't feel happy or safe at his mum's house then obviously he has to stay full time with you, but you simply suggesting a gradual reconciliation is fine.

The issue here is, you are acting in the role of the mother PLUS being the breadwinner, whilst your partner and your in-laws make all the decisions without consulting you.

They are happy to have you carry the household and financial load, but yet you aren't important enough to be treated equally.

I think the way you have spoken about the boys mum and also your partner's job have been quite respectful considering the situation. You understand his job is valuable even if he is paid less. You also say she should have been given more support.

Being with someone who has a previous child is always a risk, custody rarely stays the same the whole way through... What makes it harder is when your partner isn't stepping up.

I understand there may be cultural things at play here, but I wouldn't stand for it.

That’s such a lovely balanced reply.

Sorry but he obviously is better off with you and his Dad, having regular visits with his mum. It doesn’t sound like she can give him the stable home he needs.
You don’t have to be his mum, he has a mum and a dad but you’re his step mum whether you like it or not, that’s what you signed up for when you married a man with a child, and you need to do what’s best for him

OP isn’t married to this cocklodger man.

Yes.

He had kids when you met him. You should have been prepared for the fact that entering a co-habitation relationship with this man meant there was a possibility of being a stepmum some or all of the time.

It doesn't matter whether you're married or not. The father lives with you, so your home is also one of the homes his children have.

Their mother could die, they'd both be with their dad full time. She could become unwell, they'd both be with their dad full time. She could disappear out of their lives for any number of reasons. They'd both be with their dad full time.

You don't have to love them, lord knows it's not easy to love someone else's children. But you do need to accept that you knowingly entered a relationship with a man who has children, and that means you may end up a full time step parent to these children for any number of circumstances.