Page 7 | Just want bio mum to step up

mumsthewordi · 2025-03-25T05:57:28+00:00

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular. its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

Original poster

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 08:48

GabriellaMontez · 25/03/2025 08:43

What are the exact resentments? Are you taking on more responsibility than his dad? Under pressure to bring in more money? What can you do to adjust these things?

Is his Mum paying CM?

She doesn’t pay a penny

ny resentment isnt over money , in fortune to have it. It’s more the lack of time Oh has for daughter and myself because of SS

OP posts:

ClareBlue · 25/03/2025 08:48

Are all those praising the dad for taking responsibility for his son really sure about that. Or has the dad found another women to replace his son's mother and bring up his child full time. It's easy for the father and his family to say no contact with the child's mother when you have a ready made replacement to do all the practical work a mother does. That's nearly always the default situation with blended and step families where the father has significant care responsibilities.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/03/2025 08:49

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 08:45

I suppose the real thing in all this is that I don’t think anyone is evil or “bad” god do people actually think there’s a world like this? Instead I just think mistakes and miscommunication has happened along the way - making for a hard situation, in all of it I’ve tried to be balanced and ensure SS is well cared for , naturally he’ll know his mum isn’t the mum he would have wished for but I do feel he’s been fed this line .

yes OH is regularly talked to but other than venting , he can’t change anything. He admits it’s hard for me, he wishes that his ex would at least show her son more - she sends messages, cards and takes him on days out (yes she’s basically the role of a a man in this situations), she even said you want ur dad - so fine, go and tells him regularly he’s better off with us

But he could do something. He could get a better job, contribute more financially, do more housework. Maybe then you wouldn't feel so put upon.

But it really does read as though you agreed to let a homeless man-baby move into your house, had a child with him, and now he has sole responsibility for his son, you're having to house and feed a teenager you hadn't accounted for. I'm afraid the warning signs were there from the beginning. The problem here is not a blameless child. The problem here is that you decided to start a family with and be the main provider for a man who wasn't adulting particularly successfully even before his child (who you have known about since the beginning) came to live with him.

Naunet · 25/03/2025 08:49

I think they pulled their grandson harder and they said to oh they could raise him. However he then met me- it seems like a mess. But I’ve ensured he’s well looked after and happy

Well this was your warning sign. There's so much sexism here, they didn't think a father could raise his own child unless another woman came along to do all the hard work for him, and once you came along, that would be your job. You also had the assumption that the child would always live with his mum. You're being treated by your 'kind' partner as free labour, he needs to step up and start being an actual parent rather than getting a free pass because he doesnt have a vagina. Why isn't he doing the cooking and cleaning etc, especially as he pays so little? You can't force his mum to have him, anymore than you can force absent fathers, so I think you just heed to come to peace with that, and if that means he has to move out of your home, so be it.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 25/03/2025 08:50

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 08:16

He is emotionally stable and loved - I get your wannabe feminist stance but it’s weak and ill informed , you’ve jumped on without reading the thread

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That seems to be a problem with way too many MNers.

These NN attack you and totally give the bio Mom a pass. A bio Mom that may need some help but has been denigrated by the poor kid's grandparents and father. Maybe she isn't capable to care for her son, but she could still have a relationship with her. Is the father making it difficult for the DS to even see his DM, or brainwashing him to hate his DM?

I wonder what these attackers would do if their exes trashed talked them and his parent's trashed talked them? Oh yeah, they'd be running here, tears running down their faces, wailing, "My DC don't want to live with me anymore!". Then they would expect all the MNers to give a hand hold, and they'd go off the rails if anyone posted something different than total support.

CowTown · 25/03/2025 08:52

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/03/2025 08:49

But he could do something. He could get a better job, contribute more financially, do more housework. Maybe then you wouldn't feel so put upon.

But it really does read as though you agreed to let a homeless man-baby move into your house, had a child with him, and now he has sole responsibility for his son, you're having to house and feed a teenager you hadn't accounted for. I'm afraid the warning signs were there from the beginning. The problem here is not a blameless child. The problem here is that you decided to start a family with and be the main provider for a man who wasn't adulting particularly successfully even before his child (who you have known about since the beginning) came to live with him.

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💯

sunshinestar1986 · 25/03/2025 08:52

Bizaare reactions
OP is awful is it?
I'm sure OP would be happy with a 50/50 arrangement but no she has to do the lion's share and step up as a mum, but she's not thr mum is she?
Do people expect step dad's to be amazing and hands on?

OP
Unfortunately you are stuck with this because, your step son's mum will not step up.
You have stepped up. Marvellously so. You didn't realise that it would be long term but unfortunately it does seem that way.
Just guard you heart because this is a thankless task.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 25/03/2025 08:53

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 08:48

She doesn’t pay a penny

ny resentment isnt over money , in fortune to have it. It’s more the lack of time Oh has for daughter and myself because of SS

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Unfortunately, if you had two biological children, they would both need time (as shown with your OH and his two biological children). That can feel like you're not giving one or the other the time they need, because the other needs it more at that precise moment.

SS needs your OH because he feels rejected by his mum. Your OH is rightly looking out for his son. That will obviously reduce his ability to lavish all of his time and attention on you and DD.

As long as he's not neglecting DD in favour of your SS, that's just how families with more than one child work.

crumblingschools · 25/03/2025 08:53

@mumsthewordi where does your partner’s money go if he isn’t paying towards the bills?

SpringIsSpringing25 · 25/03/2025 08:54

lolly792 · 25/03/2025 06:42

Why are you doing, in your words, ‘everything’ - cooking, cleaning, paying the bills? What happened to the concept of equal partnership? You say you’re not ready for marriage but you were ready to have a child with your partner (bonkers to do that without the security of marriage tbh but there we go…) - I agree with others that you seem resentful and are mis-directing your emotions towards your step son. If you don’t want to be a step parent, don’t build a life with someone who has a child, and certainly don’t go on to have a half sibling for the step child you don’t seem to want living with you

🙄🙄

would you care to try to explain why you think it's bonkers not to get married before having a child when you are the one that owns the house and earns the money???

Original poster

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 08:55

Ok I was flippant - you lot don’t miss a beat

i said I do everything , it can feel it
i am the breadwinner - I always will be (with most men ), he is a bloody hard worker but in low paid yet valuable work , I also have a lifestyle that I pay for myself mostly and my daughters and the boys now get the benefit of this

he does cook and clean - his wages help, but could easily live without them

OP posts:

Maray1967 · 25/03/2025 08:55

Lilactimes · 25/03/2025 08:19

Hi @mumsthewordi You sound like a really decent person who’s been through a lot. You also sound like you’re doing a lot - it’s your house, you’re working, doing a lot around the home with a young child/baby and a teenager.
I just wanted to say that a really serious conversation with your OH is needed and a real split of chores outlined with time allocated for you to have a break.
In terms of your SS and rebuilding his relationship with his mother - it’s good to encourage this from a point of caring about SS future. Good luck OP - you’re doing a great job xx

I agree with this, but I’d put it more firmly. DP needs a firm talking to. Even if he works 60 hours a week he needs to do some household tasks. Tell him, OP - don’t ask him, tell him what he needs to do. In your situation I’d make it clear that carrying on housing them both depends on him stepping up. He should not take that for granted. He’s too comfortable- shake him up a bit.

Onemorecoffee77777 · 25/03/2025 08:56

OP just take the bio mum out of the equation - you cannot change her or make her have contact. You need to think of things in your control - the relationships and chores that come from Your household currently.

how much does your DP contribute financially to household finances? 50% 20%?

how much does he contribute to household chores?

How much does he do the day to day care of his son? Does he clean his clothes? Does he cook his meals? Does he clean his room? Does he do the dr and dentist visits with him?

What chores and responsibility do you want ss to have in house? Will DP support you or undermine you?

what do you mean DP doesn’t spend time with Dd? What is he doing instead? Is he out at an activity with Ss or just sitting at home doing nothing?

i have a feeling your DP is the issue and may not be fulfilling his responsibility. Yes he has taken the ss to live with him - but actually is it you financing this and doing care? That will be root of resentment if so and is a DP issue not Ss.

pinkfondu · 25/03/2025 08:59

If you can’t be the step mum you’d want your daughter to have maybe you should step back

Original poster

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:01

we could go more 50/50 as u say but I don’t want to change my lifestyle

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 25/03/2025 09:01

If there nothing wrong with mum then a relationship should be encouraged, even if he’s living with you. Again it’s a dh problem, he needs to step up rather than just let you do everything. You need to tell him what you need and if he doesn’t step up you have an answer. You might be better off alone, just looking after yourself and dd. Do not marry him!

Mum has maybe backed off due to parental alienation by dh and gp? They can do this as you are picking up the slack.

You can’t force love, that’s fine and your behaviour to Dss is good, he’s well cared for … you are loving towards him even if you don’t feel it. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

basically you need to focus on what you want from this relationship with dh.. the dss issue is a bit of a red herring and easier to focus on rather than the bigger picture of your resentment that your dh is not being the husband or father that he should be. If he was parenting properly, helping financially and doing stuff around the house for his family you probably wouldn’t have posted op

Naunet · 25/03/2025 09:01

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 08:55

Ok I was flippant - you lot don’t miss a beat

i said I do everything , it can feel it
i am the breadwinner - I always will be (with most men ), he is a bloody hard worker but in low paid yet valuable work , I also have a lifestyle that I pay for myself mostly and my daughters and the boys now get the benefit of this

he does cook and clean - his wages help, but could easily live without them

So he does pull his weight and your issue is purely that you don't want fathers to have to take the same responsibility as mothers often do and be the RP? I'm sorry, I'm normally on the step mums side, and they do get an unfair ride on here, but in this case, I think the phrase 'you knew he had a child' is actually appropriate.

Original poster

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:02

pinkfondu · 25/03/2025 08:59

If you can’t be the step mum you’d want your daughter to have maybe you should step back

Do you really think it’s this simple ? How do you suggest I step up even more ??

wow the meaning of step parent taken on a literal new life for itself on this thread.

OP posts:

Comtesse · 25/03/2025 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oh please. OP is doing more than her fair share. Don’t be an ass.

Original poster

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:04

Naunet · 25/03/2025 09:01

So he does pull his weight and your issue is purely that you don't want fathers to have to take the same responsibility as mothers often do and be the RP? I'm sorry, I'm normally on the step mums side, and they do get an unfair ride on here, but in this case, I think the phrase 'you knew he had a child' is actually appropriate.

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I knew he had kids so i should have been prepared to be full time step parent

which legally I’m not as we’re not married

OP posts:

ClareBlue · 25/03/2025 09:05

From the last update there seems to be more children involved than the shared daughter and step son. Are there children in the house from your relationship prior to being widowed?

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 25/03/2025 09:05

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 08:38

Ah you’re the saint type us lesser SMs can’t live up to , won’t try to compete with this. I suppose I’ve no one to compare him to as I only have one SS my Biological d is still young. I guess I feel something intrinsically biological with her - but who knows I’ve done everything and more as a loving step mum!

I’m underselling myself here

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How can you be loving if you haven't bonded with him?

Original poster

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:07

ClareBlue · 25/03/2025 09:05

From the last update there seems to be more children involved than the shared daughter and step son. Are there children in the house from your relationship prior to being widowed?

No, he has two sons with ex
one remains with mum

OP posts:

CowTown · 25/03/2025 09:07

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:01

we could go more 50/50 as u say but I don’t want to change my lifestyle

Unfortunately, this isn’t an option. Just like you cannot force a deadbeat dad to step up and take his kids 50/50, you cannot force SS’s mum to do 50/50.

Your DP has his son 100%. Accept this, or remove him from your home. You’re under no obligation to house DP/SS and do all of their cleaning, cooking, laundry, whilst financing them.

ClareBlue · 25/03/2025 09:07

And you knew he had kids. Are there more potential step children. Where do they live?