Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

That makes me feel so sad for the teen. I guess he may just have to be satisfied to having a p/t mom.
Perhaps, in time, they can get a closer bond as it's important to have a bond with both parents.

Does the teen enjoy the time he does spend with his mother? Does he get nervous or anxious? Does he have trouble settling when he is back at home with you and his DF?

OP, this is the most pertinent post I've seen. Your man needs to do much more parenting as well as housework/life admin stuff. I think his parents may have babied him and driven away his ex by interfering. Please don't let any of them take away precious time and energy from you and your child, just because you are trying to be a moral person. I think he may let you down and you'll regret wasting some of your daughter's youth. Good luck.

Nope. But also completely expected to step in and overcome the shortcomings of the child’s actual parents, without question. Step-parents seem to be held to a higher standard than their actual parents because YoU kNeW wHaT you WeRe GeTtInG iNtO

I agree that you have a partner problem rather than a problem with your SS's mum. He's got his parents and another woman (you) to manage his life for him, so he really doesn't need to make more than minimal effort. It shouldn't be up to you to be responsible for encouraging and trying to develop the relationship between your SS and his mum. Why isn't your partner on here asking for advice and trying to improve things? You have said your SS's mum isn't a bad person, she never abused her children and their other son lives with her full time, so clearly she is a capable parent. She also stays in contact with your SS, albeit in a Disney Dad kind of way, according to you.

I suspect she was ill and beaten down at the point her other son wanted to live with his father and what with the pile on from the grandparents and her ex, she probably felt she was doing what was best for your SS in letting him live with his father, where he was happy. As to why she continues to play the Disney Dad routine, maybe she doesn't know how to change the situation and is worried about making her child unhappy? It's also really hard to keep fighting when you're that beaten down and literally no one supports you.

I think you need regular conversations with your partner about how he should and can help SS improve his relationship with his mum and gradually build up to spending more time with her. But I think you're kidding yourself if you think he will ever devote more time to you and the child you share than he does now. If men want to do something/make something work, they will. If they don't, all of these excuses tend to suddenly appear.

I think the family are doing exactly what they should - love and support without forcing a relationship with a feckless parent.

What support do you think she needs to at the very least, maintain regular contact? Are you hoping they'll wedge them back together so he can go back home, instead of staying with his more stable parent?

You did chose this. You met a single father and decided to go out with him. Decided to allow him to move into your home. Decided to start your own family with him.

What did you think was going to happen?

Your partner already had a family, did you think his child wouldn't want to be with his dad? Did you think your partner would want to step away from his parental duties?

OP seems to believe that if the situation was handled better, her SS could live with his mum again, or at least 50% of the time. If that is true, then it’s not ‘obvious he’s better off’ with his dad full time and not living with him mum at all. It sounds like OPs partner just let it happen, not that he really thought it was for the best, more just he just wasn’t proactive, not bothering to help ex and his son maintain a better relationship when she was having some problems. Again, if that’s true, he has really failed his child. And his other child with his ex.

OP doesn’t have to do anything, she can say enough is enough and kick her partner out. If she stays with him, then yes, her home is also her step sons home, but I think she is right to be concerned that her partner has not encouraged the relationship between his son and his ex to be the best it can be. A child will may realise the importance of it, but his father, as the adult, really should.

Quite how much of this is the boys mums fault is difficult to decipher. Was she physically or mentally ill, was she a good mum previously or is she a bad mum who chose not to put the effort in? We don’t know what’s happened there.

Part of OPs concerns are obviously for herself, and you can argue about what a step mum should or shouldn’t feel all day long, it doesn’t mean that she isn’t right that the boy shouldn’t have been guided into living back with his mum at least half of the time if that was possible.

The only reason people keep referring to the cocklodger as the “more stable parent” is because OP is funding him, housing him, cooking for him, and cleaning for him.

Unfortunately your preference for custody arrangements over a child which isn't yours aren't relevant. And that isn't me being nasty, it's just an unfortunate fact for blended families.

His child is as important to him as yours. He is home. And although the situation might not be what you envisaged, starting a relationship with someone who has a child is a constantly evolving thing. You can't just have a new child and expect him to be an A1 dad to that child, while encouraging him to be less than that to the child that came before.

I don't see how a secondary school teacher who contributes financially can be described as a 'cocklodger'? 🤷🏼‍♀️

*should

No one had a perfect life, it doesn’t exist. But if you decide to live with someone who is a parent you need to accept that their child has needs and and wants, their needs will always come first and so will their wants. Providing a secure and loving home is very basic parenting. Do you not parent this way?

@mumsthewordi I think if you get DP to do more you will feel less resentful - but this is more about him than his son really. You can’t force a relationship between SS and his Mum though (he may get curious as he gets older). But I think you are right you may have been craving stability when you got together. I would also make sure you protect yourself financially in case you do decide to break up.

I'm confused; in another post, you refer to him as your 'son'.

I hear what you're saying, but the part you seem to be misunderstanding is that he is just as entitled to live with his dad as he is with his mum. There doesn't need to be a 'reason', his mum doesn't need to do anything. If he wants to live with his dad, then he should be able to. The mistake that you made was assuming that this would never happen and that if it did, it would be temporary. Even if his mum was an amazing mum, he could still just decide that he wants to live with his dad now.

OP said he lives in her house, doesn’t pay any bills, doesn’t do any cooking, and doesn’t do any cleaning. Textbook cocklodger.

Does your DP see his other son that stays with his bio-Mom or is there a different father there?

Do you use your money to support the teen that lives with you and your DP? Because, according to MNers (some of them here pontificating in fact), you are only supposed to spend your salary on your child.

I say this because posters constantly say that a step-father should not support his step-children, because that the mother's job and their dad's job. He is only supposed to support his kids that he has with his ex or exes and help those ex(es) as much as possible. I am betting posters have a different opinion when it's the SM with the $$$. Hypocrisy reins on MN. Always.

I am glad you didn't step away. The nasty people are always nasty, so you get used to it and flick their comments away like a crumb.

There are plenty of supportive comments with real advice and not the denigrating, castigating crap a few posters here excel at dishing out. No helpful advice, just their opinion which, quite frankly, few people care a damn about.

One more thing: In no post of yours did you ever mention you resented your DP's son, just the time your DP doesn't spend with your child and you. So, not only do some posters here try to beat people into the ground, they also make shit up.
Color me surprised.

OP, do both the children go to private school?

What exactly is your problem? You didn’t sign up for having your partner’s child with you full time. But what do you think your partner should do if the child’s mother doesn’t want him? Should he abandon the child?

I think the family are doing exactly what they should - love and support without forcing a relationship with a feckless parent.

What about the child that still lives with the "feckless parent"?

Do they not also need "saving"?

This. Plus his dad is equally his parent, why would you want to send him from the parent who wanta him.to one that doesn't? What's wrong with you?

@Crazycatlady79 the bit about being a teacher comes from another thread of the OP’s that another poster has found

WTF! I cannot see any post from the OP which says she is paying for her TODDLER daughter to attend private school. Where did you get that idea from? Or was it, as is so typical on this site, a lazy assumption to cast an OP in a bad light by making up shit?

The teen's mom has a child living with her full-time, so she must have some capabilities to be a parent.

I would just hate to see the teen swallow all of his father's and grandparent's vitriol and turn his back on his mom. It also sounds like his father is much less strict than the mother, and he has more freedom (perhaps more "stuff" too?)

No, she said he does cook and clean - his wages help, but could easily live without them which is not at all the same thing

Then the bio-mom should be paying CM because it is not the OP's job to pay her money to support the teen of her DP's.

And I am interested in that. Is that why the teen wants to stay with his dad? Because OP pays and helps support the teen? Because that is not her job and she should not do that.