To be jealous of my SIL?

[londoner1980]

Hi all

I am very hormonal so I am sure IABU, but have joined MN for your wisdom / support / experiences /venting

I've been trying to conceive with my DH for a few years now - we've had tests, treatments, IVF, homeopathy, you name it. We're late 30s

In the meantime, my super-rich DBIL, a couple of years older, has had the most perfect two DDs with his very young super beautiful model fiancee, - the first unplanned when they were barely been together (and she was not even 25 yet ffs), the second just literally as soon as they decided they wanted another, almost straight after birth

Now my IVF round has just failed again + she is pregnant AGAIN.

I can't bear being around them. My DH & his DBro (who were always very close) are also struggling to still be friends.

It also doesn't help that she always looks completely flawless, can be a SAHM with a nanny, is still stick -thin even after two babies... etc. When we go out with the whole family she gets so much attention - so superficial I know but it's grating. I work FT and feel constantly run-down and overweight!

BIL has given us a lot of money for private treatment, which we're grateful for, which somehow feels like it complicates things. I think I'm just sick of it all. AIBU to not even want to speak to them 😓

Reading back: yes I can see I'm being bitter and dramatic. I've just had enough I think of all the TTC. It's making me go a bit crazy

I’m very sorry about your struggles, it must be very hard. You clearly know YABU, so I hope commenters are kind and don’t stick the boot in. You never know on here.

Your feelings are your feelings. they are valid.

Nothing wrong with distancing yourself from your SIL OP, and it's good that you've recognised that you're being unreasonable. Try not to let it sour things in the long run. For now though just focus on doing what you need to do for yourself.

It must be hard and it seems your bil and his wife are lovely people considering his even helping to finance your treatments. You need to not let it come between you guys as family as just as you cannot help your fertility struggles they can’t help that it is easy for them.

They clearly care about you guys very much as not many would help with such costs which can be ever mounting and a lot as you’ve said. Which yes does complicate things let’s face it. Because if the relationship ends up breaking down between the four of you due to fertility issues then they are going to feel away about it especially since they have given a lot.

Feelings are feelings though and your allowed them just don’t let them ruin the larger picture of family.

Your going through a lot and it's so hard not to compare our lives to others when we are going through difficult times. Don't beat yourself up. 💖

She is probably a really nice person but also " a prick" who has 2 kids and doesn't gain weight and sneezes and gets pregnant! If you need a space to vent and hate then crack on, we all need it sometimes. As long as it isn't over family dinner and remains anonymous on the Internet.

Good luck with your fertility journey, I hope you get some good news soon 😊

Thank you all! It feels like this is already causing a bit of a rift in the family to be honest. We've never really got on (me and SIL) - if being brutally honest I think fault is mine but she does really rub me up the wrong way and can be quite standoffish. We're quite different.

I also feel bad that BIL / SIL are very in the honeymoon stage still, everything seems very easy for them, whereas DH and I have been through a lot & this has taken a toll on our relationship - this doesn't help!

Hey. TTC and infertility issues are a nightmare and you have my full sympathies - I went through many years of issues - failed IVF, miscarriage, and watching all my friends have babies. I get it. Hang in there. It is hard, it’s unfair and it’s nigh on impossible to avoid comparisons as some people just don’t even have to think about getting pregnant.

Look after yourself. Take a break, go on a holiday. Celebrate you and your DH by doing something nice. Don’t let it take all the joy. It’s a generous offer from your DBIL. Take it as that and don’t overthink it.

Whilst your SIL sounds enviable on paper, I’d bet that having three babies in quick succession to a man 15 years your senior might not be a bed of roses.

Never assume you know what someone elses life is like because you will always be wrong.

I think it’s a bit much to take money from them when this is how you feel.

No , YANBU at all. Not in any way. This is how you feel and whatever your hormones are doing, you feel this way for a reason.

MN and other humans have this tendency to dismiss, to downplay people's real life experience and it's not ok with me. So here I am OP saying this is totally ok to feel this way and you are telling yourself to do something about it through your reaction.

You are dealing with things that are very difficult. You feel inferior and less than in their company, you feel like there's very little relatability there, and to boot, they're supporting you financially, so you feel further inferior when you are with them and probably when you think about them.

This is not anyone's fault. Not yours, not theirs. This is simply a huge call from within that you need space from them. You can do it very gently and quietly.

If you're scanning their life on Social media - stop it. Can you come away from SM? It's the single greatest thing I ever did. I participate only anonymously on groups with strangers who share my health challenges. It is freeing.

Social interactions - cut them down to the absolute minimum. Your excuse is you are struggling with fatigue or whatever excuse you need to give you mental and physical space.

It's possible that there are things about them you are sensing and you don't like. Is it all just envy? Maybe it isn't. Maybe it's more than simply envy.

I have a long term friend who has everything I don't. But I don't envy her. I only admire. Because there is something in her character that is so genuine and decent, I never feel that way. Other people, yes, I can do, and they try I feel to invite that response. My senses are getting better at saying to me - yep, they probably are deliberately dropping that little brag in here and there whilst I'm at my weakest.

Distance on some level here will help you gather your thoughts and emotions and process all the inner hurt. You'll be in a better place after enough distance to determine whether you like them and want to be around them! Maybe you'll find that you actually don't.

I get why you feel the way you do, I really do. But it would be absolutely awful if this caused a rift, when your BIL had been so generous in funding your treatment. If a rift is already forming (and you've been honest with I'd about it being your fault) I think you do need to work on it. The sibling relationship really can't break down because of this.

Can you get some counselling, specifically around managing the family relationships? I know it might seem like a side issue compared to your infertility, but it is important. It's hurting you and it stands to hurt your DH and his brother.

I'm really sorry that this robs had failed. I wish you all the luck with any future attempts.

Sorry to hear that OP.

Your feelings are valid. When I struggled to get pregnant and had 5 rounds of ivf everyone around me for pregnant with no effort- it was hard. Even now after having my children it’s hard seeing how some has it so easy, took it for granted.

However- as perfect as they and she looks on the outside you never really know so don’t compare yourself. Life can be a bit shity. Try keep your distance if that helps- that’s how I coped

Be very careful not to become too bitter about your ttc journey. Very sad, yes but is it their fault? No. And they're trying to help you financially too. I know someone who after 4 failed rounds of ivf became a very bitter, nasty and outwardly aggressive person, so much so that I only stayed friends out of a sense of duty/pity but didn't want to. Be very careful you don't become that black cloud person.

I think this a great response @Wishyouwerehere50 - it is very true that MN is quick to call someone’s vocalized feelings unreasonable whilst minimizing the pain they are going through. @londoner1980 MN is not hugely kind to those undergoing infertility issues (someone will probably be along to tell you to adopt soon 😡) but the reality is that the complex emotions, form of grief, uncertainty and the gruelling nature of fertile treatment are the hardest things I’ve ever been through. Keep going. Focus inward and not outward.

Yes, it's the comparisons. An (older) family member very unhelpfully made a comment saying that, maybe DBIL and SIL are just 'meant' to fit together well, just 'supposed' to have babies together, with the implication that we're... not?

The age comparison too: I feel like I keep reading - peak fertility is in your 20s, so her age range. I'm pretty sure DBIL wouldn't have just been to have 3 pregnancies in rapid succession with a woman our age. ahgh!

I agree. You’re causing a rift in the family, struggling to get on and don’t want to talk to them, say you’ve never really liked your SIL but you’re happy to take their money?

We do earn enough to pay private (with some careful balancing), and my DH's family is quite well-off, but DBIL is very wealthy - i really appreciated the money but it's not a significant amount for him at all. (realising that sounds very ungrateful typed out, just trying to give context).

So true. From the outside my life looked picture perfect when DH and I got married. I got pregnant instantly on honeymoon (despite being in my 30s) and I got pregnant almost instantly after DD1 was born, too. In reality I suffered with crippling PND which took a long time to recover from.

But I know my SIL struggled terribly with envy because they just couldn't get pregnant despite doing endless IVF. She couldn't even bear to come to their birthday parties etc.

When you struggle to conceive I believe it does make you a bit like that it’s very hard watching what feels like everyone around you falling pregnant when all you want is that

Her fast conceptions might not of been quite what they wanted either most people don’t think hey let’s ttc and plan on it happening straight away while also being aware it could happen.

The just meant to fit comment is hurtful if they know what you are going though but people say stupid shit. Foot in mouth.

It really does because no matter how big of an amount it is considered to him personally it’s the thought behind giving it and for you to see it as well nothing for him is rather insulting too.

I’m so glad my brother didn’t see things like this when I had dd1 and nothing happened for them. 3 years later they were still trying and I really rubbed it in by getting pregnant with twins. The thing is, we spoke openly and he said they (him and his lovely wife) had approached it as two separate things because they’re not intertwined. Me giving them nieces was wonderful news and didn’t correlate with them not having dc. They did finally have a son but the big family they planned want to be. So my advice is to understand you’re hurt and actively decide not to direct it at bil/sil. It’s not related.

You also never know other people’s full struggles. When yours are intense it is hard to see beyond but perfect lives are rarely as such.

So sorry to hear your struggles 😞 I hope you get some good luck soon, you really deserve it. Your feelings are absolutely valid, and you don't need to feel guilty. You're not a bad person. It's not fair that ttc is so easy for some and difficult for others. Take care.

Honestly feelings are valid - but I think if you feel this way about them (and her specifically!) perhaps clouding the waters with money isn’t helping? YABU to not even want to speak to them / be so disparaging of SIL who it seems has done absolutely zero wrong. They clearly care about you both lots. Perhaps she’s come across as stand offish because you are obviously dismissive / judgemental of her? It’s never easy being around people with things we want, especially when it’s kids.

They have obviously done well in life financially and also have a family, something which when you’re desperately trying to have your own can seem just so unfair. However your current struggles are nothing to do with your SIL, if anything her and BIL are helping you guys way more than any normal siblings would be able to.

Im in a similar position of TTC for years with no success, BIL managed to knock his partner up a couple of months in with no plans to do so. Yes, it stings - but this pain is mine, not theirs. Sometimes you have to take a step away but remember that your family didn’t do this to you, it’s not their fault - or yours! Give yourself time to heal if you need to, but families can be such a support line in tough times.

OP sorry you are going through this. It's so stressful. Just remember it may look easy for them bit nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Just keep at arms length for now and it's OK to be honest and just say that your down due to struggling to conceive and want to spend time alone, reasonable people will understand.