To be jealous of my SIL?

[londoner1980]

Hi all

I am very hormonal so I am sure IABU, but have joined MN for your wisdom / support / experiences /venting

I've been trying to conceive with my DH for a few years now - we've had tests, treatments, IVF, homeopathy, you name it. We're late 30s

In the meantime, my super-rich DBIL, a couple of years older, has had the most perfect two DDs with his very young super beautiful model fiancee, - the first unplanned when they were barely been together (and she was not even 25 yet ffs), the second just literally as soon as they decided they wanted another, almost straight after birth

Now my IVF round has just failed again + she is pregnant AGAIN.

I can't bear being around them. My DH & his DBro (who were always very close) are also struggling to still be friends.

It also doesn't help that she always looks completely flawless, can be a SAHM with a nanny, is still stick -thin even after two babies... etc. When we go out with the whole family she gets so much attention - so superficial I know but it's grating. I work FT and feel constantly run-down and overweight!

BIL has given us a lot of money for private treatment, which we're grateful for, which somehow feels like it complicates things. I think I'm just sick of it all. AIBU to not even want to speak to them 😓

It can be really hard to not compare ourselves with other women because we have been conditioned to constantly rate ourselves in a patriarchal femininity contest and it fucking sucks.

I could be jealous of my sisters in law. One of them has tonnes of money and will never have to work. The other has a massive house. Both have two children who are neurotypical while I have one disabled child and won’t have another.

But instead of feeling jealous you have to back your choices, I think. I don’t own a house because I live in the best city in the world, and I have a job that I love. My child is my child because I love his father. I have never wanted any child but my own child.

It is easy to compare. It is much harder to say: this is my life and I’m going to love it regardless of its challenges.

I hope you get your baby. And I hope that your SIL never knows sorrow, but chances are she will because we all do, so love her with a full heart.

One of the best posts I have ever read on MN @Wiltingasparagusfern

Don't be jealous of a 24 year old married to a man of 40 with two small children. Money notwithstanding her lifestyle would not be optimum for many women her age. She is sacrificing much of what you were probably enjoying at her age. Try to stay focused on your own life. Wishing you all the best for your future.

Maybe it’s time to take a break from TTC for a few months, just spend time on the two of you, recharge and then look at starting again

OK their life may look great, but how do you know she’s not depressed and acting?

It doesn’t really matter if it’s not a significant amount to him, it’s still very kind and generous. YANBU to be jealous but everyone has different challenges and we all make different decisions.

I also think, op, it would make the dynamics easier if you could possibly fund it yourselves.

I agree

AIBU to not even want to speak to them 😓

Yes. Massively unreasonable. Especially since they have gifted you money for treatments. Not a lot of people would do that for family.

Your feelings are 100% valid to feel as if life’s not fair and “why does it happen to her and not me”.

I’m deeply sorry to hear how TTC hasn’t worked for you so far. I hope that can change in the future 💐It must be very hard, I hope you have other friends and family members you can talk to about this and get support from professionals.

You’re not unreasonable to feel sad for yourself and jealous when you see your SIL pregnant and with her kids etc. it’s normal to feel that way. However you would be unreasonable to let these feelings totally take over and damage the relationship you have with SIL and BIL.

You sound like you need to work on your own self-esteem and confidence and stop comparing how you look to how your SIL looks and how much attention she gets. The more you let this consume you the more unhappy and bitter you will become.

Giving you a huge virtual hug, OP.💐 I understand your deep hurt totally.

I just caught a sentence from another poster here saying something like 'her having children has no bearing on you having or not having them.' Something about that struck me.

Millions of people all over the world have children, but you are naturally fixated on your SIL because of the relationship and proximity.

You are linking yourself and her together and asking why her all the time and never me? It's like she's the lucky winner and you're the one losing. I do understand that.

But I wonder if it would help if you could mentally sort of just lump her in with the rest of the world, totally separate from you and your own journey. If you could do this, as well as being kind and patient with yourself, I think it may help. And you are late thirties - there is still hope.

I completely get you. I had a miscarriage two weeks ago, 3 years from the day that I had another miscarriage. I've been TTC ever since, so I thought luck was finally on my side, when it was snatched away from me two weeks later. I'm booked to go on a family weekend away in July, where one of my cousins have 3 kids (at least one of whom must have been born whilst we've been trying), and another won't be there as it's his GFs due date. I should have been over half way along. I really don't know how I'm going to get through this year...

This message and the one from @LittleBigHead is disgraceful and tacky. It shows your bitterness and jealousy. Why insult someone just to make the Op feel better about herself? You're awful people

You’re dealing with internal issues (TTC, IVF, emotional) and it’s complicated by external factors and apportioning envy and rage to external others.
Complicated by fact you take their monies to finance TTC and you feel endebted To a couple you don’t like
That is a toxic emotional mix

Do them a favour
Stop taking their money it just complicates things

wishing you well. Try to conserve your emotional energies don’t sweat the what ifs about their life

Things look rosy for her on paper but you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. Focus on you. Get healthy, get exercise, get outside. I wish you so much luck x

I’ve already commented but just felt the need to add this:

If there’s anything I could tell my past jealous self towards my best friends pregnancies I would say, their situations and their fertility isn’t going to change mine. Being jealous and distancing yourself might seem like the right thing to do but you know you’re going to miss out on your nieces and nephews lives. If and when you go on to have your children, which I pray you do and sure you will, you will probably regret distancing from your family.

Your SIL could have 9 kids and it still will not change your scenario. Your SIL being slim and young doesn’t change anything for you.

Whilst it’s absolutely normal to feel jealous and sad it’s not happening for you, your BIL paying for your treatment shows they want it for you too. Please don’t cut them off as you will regret it x

Good luck OP xx

Just to add a (selfish) comment here.

In your situation I was the friend who could conceive.

And my friend could not.

She was so bitter and twisted about it towards me, my DC, and various other family and friends that I had to step back from the friendship.

My fertility did not affect her fertility.

I genuinely think fertility treatment should come with mandatory counselling to deal with the very really psychological toll it can take.

💐 You’ll get there, day by day. The pain will lessen even if it doesn’t vanish. And who knows … by July … it will be nearly time to try again.

Let’s not denigrate the sil and bil they are fortunate to be solvent and have Their children. They have done nothing wrong and are gracious enough to give monies toward IVF. Envy is toxic it impact judgement and breaks relationships

The tearing down of sil and bil to try and make op feel better is pretty gross when they seem happy. Just you wait. Closed doors. I wouldn’t want her life.

Well she and he do.

I agree.

So fucking weird to almost hope that the brother and sister in law break up. Only a very bitter woman would hope for that!

Life really does come so easily to some people and I don’t believe or take comfort in those who like to dismiss the imbalance by saying “ah, but they’ll probably get Alzheimer’s!”. I’ll take 75 years of the good life over 95 years of always missing out.

I think you know YABU, but nevertheless I get it because I’ve been where you are. Like you, I also had a BIL and SIL who had no fertility problems and now have 5 DC (four of whom are now adults).

It was very hard watching my SIL popping babies with no problems. I kept it to myself and congratulated them when they shared their pregnancy news. I actually meant it too, as I was happy for them. I love my DNieces and DNephews.

It didn’t mean that I didn’t cry my eyes out in private as well. It was really painful sometimes.

In the end my DH and I adopted and we have 2 DDs now, of nearly 16 and 13.

The pain really did go away, though I did need to go through therapy to get to that place.

So sorry your struggling to conceive, it’s awful going through this and it seems like everyone is as fertile as rabbits.

Whilst it’s not her fault I can understand the bitterness you feel.

just try to focus on you and DH, no o e rise matters.

OP, you sound very ungrateful about the money your in-laws have given you. You've dismissed it as a drop in the ocean and are even considering refusing to speak to them.

Also, let's be realistic: your SIL conceives easily because she started trying in her twenties. You say you're in your late thirties and only started trying to conceive a few years ago. She's not "lucky"; she just didn't wait until she was running out of viable eggs to try for a baby.

Society needs to come out of denial about the impact of ageing on fertility. There are so many posts on MN from women who are baffled as to why they're struggling to conceive in their late thirties or even forties. I've even read posts insisting that doctors are lying about fertility declining after 35 to save the NHS money on fertility treatment!

Comparing yourself to others is never a good idea.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. I had all my DC in late 30s/early 40s. I know so many people who conceived after they gave up trying and I’m sure letting go of the pressure may’ve helped.

Looking from you SIL’s pov, she’s spending her late 20s/early 30s stuck at home with three young kids, while you’ve got a good job and independence. The grass is always greener.

Your sil appearance and weight aren’t your concern. She’s at least 10yr your junior she’s going to look good
wealthy people tend to look good
You know what as a man in his 40s maybe his wife was there just at time he was having a want a family moment . They met fell in love had their family promptly . Good for them

she had her babies in her 20s
You started ttc mid 30s
Statistically she was likely to easily fall pg in her 20s