To be jealous of my SIL?

[londoner1980]

Hi all

I am very hormonal so I am sure IABU, but have joined MN for your wisdom / support / experiences /venting

I've been trying to conceive with my DH for a few years now - we've had tests, treatments, IVF, homeopathy, you name it. We're late 30s

In the meantime, my super-rich DBIL, a couple of years older, has had the most perfect two DDs with his very young super beautiful model fiancee, - the first unplanned when they were barely been together (and she was not even 25 yet ffs), the second just literally as soon as they decided they wanted another, almost straight after birth

Now my IVF round has just failed again + she is pregnant AGAIN.

I can't bear being around them. My DH & his DBro (who were always very close) are also struggling to still be friends.

It also doesn't help that she always looks completely flawless, can be a SAHM with a nanny, is still stick -thin even after two babies... etc. When we go out with the whole family she gets so much attention - so superficial I know but it's grating. I work FT and feel constantly run-down and overweight!

BIL has given us a lot of money for private treatment, which we're grateful for, which somehow feels like it complicates things. I think I'm just sick of it all. AIBU to not even want to speak to them 😓

You're entitled to feel what you feel. Can you distance yourself while it's all so raw? In a few years it won't hurt the same way. (Anyone would hurt in your situation, allow yourself to hurt and to feel things).

It sounds hard but you need to remember her getting pregnant is not the reason you can’t at the moment. It’s not one or the other.

i hope it works out for you.

I know this has been raised. We felt very conflicted about it. It was 100% his offer - either we could have wiped our savings or he could help & it not be a big deal on his side. I think I might just feel a bit inadequate also not earning as much, but I;ll try to set that aside for another day!

Yes -- I think @irishbloodenglishparts it feels like that at the moment. Everyone fusses over her and the babies, who are so beautiful, they talk about how beautiful & perfect they are & then I'm sort of in a corner being the grumpy one!

Fwiw, the immediate family has been really supportive of us. But that sets up its own tensions - the (kind!) gparents are trying to balance out attention in the right way to everyone and somehow things can still feel a bit forced and not quite right

It crap and it sucks. Even without fertility issues I'd be jealous of gorgeous sil with a nanny!

yes - they've had a lot of comments on this themselves (and I was pretty cynical at the beginning...) but they do seem to get on really well - so feels like a clean sweep really! I am trying to not compare and appreciate what I haave

@TigerMum8 🤣🤣 thats what i thought too. Fair play though, might as well secure the bag.

OP, im sorry youre going through such a tough time. Sometimes it's easier to accept that some people are really fucking lucky, it happens, lucky her. If you make your peace with it, it will annoy you a lot less.

I hope you get your baby soon x

This !!

Remember ......... comparison can be the thief of joy !

I voted that you're not being unreasonable, because you have the insight to realize that your feelings aren't 100% fair and rational.

Your feelings are quite understandable, too. It hurts to see someone else easily, breezily getting what you so desperately want and haven't been able to get. And of course SILs are especially in a grouping to be compared with each other and/or to notice the differences between them more sharply than they might with others.

One old saying that has proven itself very true to me through the years is "If you don't like your life compared to everybody else's, wait five years."

In my experience, it's been more like three years. I painfully envied more than one person who seemed in a far more fortunate position than me, when I was TTC and also not doing so well financially, as well as at a couple of other times in my life (I'm a couple of decades older than you are). I'm not usually a jealous type but I wouldn't doubt if everyone is susceptible under certain circumstances.

Well, one of them became a young widow soon after. The other was left by her husband and her adorable babies soon became highly obnoxious and unappealing children.

I'm sure you don't wish ill on your SIL and BIL but remember, this may be their lifetime high time and may not last for long, first of all. Three kids and a few years is not good for maintaining beauty queen looks. They have other factors against them as well, the age difference is often a problem over time, as well as having babies in quick succession with someone you didn't even know that well. It could well be that in a few years, she envies your life or he's moved on to a new young childless beauty queen. Or any number of other things that you would not envy. Things keep changing. And just because this isn't your best year doesn't mean that's not still to come.

Another thing to keep in mind is that someone we think has it all may not feel that way about their own life at all. The one I knew who became widowed, I recall her sobbing at her wedding. She was only nineteen and the pregnancy was accidental. I doubt the pretty picture from the outside was how she felt at all.

The other one I recall right now, her husband was a serial cheater anyway. I certainly wouldn't want the new house and car etc. if I had to be married to a jerk like that to get it.

Best wishes with it. I hope your turn is coming soon. :)

YABU. Your despair around the issues you have trying to conceive is understandable, causing a family rift because of petty jealousy is not. TTC does not give you a pass to make the lives of others miserable, especially when you are happy take their money.

You are so desperate to be a mother yet you are determined to make things difficult for the mother of your nieces/nephews and also your husband's mother.

You could be the most amazing Aunty … not only are you freezing the relationship with your in-laws, but the relationship with your nieces / nephews.

Just adding an opposing voice to say that I think it is absolutely fine to feel the way you do and still accept money from BIL to support this journey. He's your husband's brother, not a random.

My sister is going through similar fertility treatment by herself, and she sometimes struggles to be around me or my kids. Its not a reflection on our relationship, its a reflection on how she feels about potentially not being able to have children.

These things are complicated but I certainly wouldn't want her to make things even more complicated by using all of her savings instead of accepting some money from the family and add struggling financially to the challenges she is facing.

With kindness I think your feelings are reflective of your fertility difficulties as while she might not be your favourite person, it doesn’t sound that she’s done anything wrong apart from have something you want. I do understand though that when someone has something you desperately want and it comes easily to them that can be hard to bear, and create a scarcity mindset where it feels like someone else having something makes it less likely you’ll have it, even though that’s simply not true. I therefore think you’d benefit from some counselling if you’re not already having it, to explore your feelings about your fertility.

You are in a sad situation, but it would be even more sad if you caused a family rift because of this.
You have a BIL who cares enough to help with the cost, your DH's parents are lovely and supportive, and making sure that attention is shared fairly, and, well, a SIL who has done nothing wrong other than be herself (but who is clearly picking up that you don't like her).

Why risk losing all that? And particularly for your DH if would be a huge loss.

It's time for counselling (it seems you can afford it) and as far as SIL is concerned, you put on your best act of being warm and friendly, and fake it until you make it.

Honestly, the alternative will make you feel even worse.

Indeed. Taking such glee in the possible break up of a family.

Hilariously some marriages and relationships that were full on in under 6 mm the are actually the lasting ones rather than ones being stung along for years posting on mn asking why he won’t marry her or try for children yet.

I'm not going to admonish you over the money, but I think you might find it all easier if you didn't take it and self funded. Then you could distance yourself a bit from them.

I imagine what you have expressed here seeps into all relationships OP, including the one your DH has with his brother.

You are rightfully feeling sad but the jealousy feels a bit toxic.

For this reason I would withdraw a bit and most definitely fund your own fertility treatment going forward. The enmeshment of your BIL paying alongside any future failed cycles could exacerbate what seems to look like a strained relationship between you and the other couple. Far better to pay for your own IVF and detach for a while.

OP I want to give you a hug. Stop giving yourself such a hard time. You don't sound bitter, angry, unreasonable or anything else. You just sound human.

You wouldn't use any of the adjectives you used about your SIL to describe me; skinny, gorgeous, wealthy or young. However when I decided (age 39) to try to get pregnant it happened naturally within a couple of months.

My best friend had tried everything with her husband for 15 years.

I knew without her needing to say it, that it was a giant twist of the knife in her heart even though she was happy for me. She got snappy with me "can you talk about ANYTHING but being pregnant.. sorry I didn't mean that, sorry" When I started to show and strangers would comment I knew it was just too much for her and she withdrew from me completely for months. I fully understood.

Listen, your loyalty needs to lie with yourself and your own inner peace. If that means avoiding family gatherings then do it. You won't always feel like this. Forget about her, focus on you.

This op.

Try to manage your relationships with the family - especially for the sake of your DH - but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how you might be feeling. Clearly your ILs have grasped it, and BIL clearly wants to help,

Im sorry for your pain but honestly it could all change in the blink of an eye. Try to keep your dignity and your relationships intact.

@londoner1980 You don’t have to be the grumpy one. It looks like your in-laws are trying their best to make everyone included and I think that it’s lovely that your brother-in-law is willing to fund your IVF journey and I wouldn’t begrudge his happiness. You and your husband could have a great relationship with the nieces and nephews.

It might feel exhausting to see others get things easily that you’re struggling with, but you surely have a lot that you are happy with as well. Kids are also very expensive and need a lot of wraparound care. Besides, your husband married you for a reason and you married him. Focus on that. You and your husband can reminisce on all your personal memories throughout the years, go on holidays, spend quality time together.

It’s not that difficult for your husband and brother-in-law to spend time together whilst you go to the gym, shop, have a spa day etc. Just focus on being happy and relaxed and try not to put too much pressure on yourself and focus on all the wrong things. I am sure you have more than enough to be grateful for and happy about it in your own life without comparing yourself to someone else.

I think you’re focusing on the wrong things.

She sounds gorgeous but there isn’t anything I find envious about her. I’m a similar age to your SIL and I couldn’t think of anything worse than having multiple kids to a much older man at my age, regardless of his abundant finances. I’m sure they don’t regret their kids, but she’s essentially trapped in that relationship and has no realistic prospect of having her own independent life outside of them now. I feel her own enrichment has sort of been cut short.

I hope their relationship lasts. However if it’s based on money & attractiveness, cemented by a quick pregnancy - it doesn’t scream true love!

Having said that, she might be going through her own battles. I think ultimately in life everyone wants what they don’t have. She might find aspects of your life to be endearing. She might be envious that you can stand on your own two feet? Etc

I think you need to make a decision about whether accepting money from BIL is the best choice for your family, given how resentful you feel.

I was going to say some of this too.

You never know her feelings. I wouldn’t like to have been in her shoes at that age . For all you know she feels like the family uterus.

You are not at all BU. Infertility is absolutely gutting and changes the way you see the world. Feeling jealous and being “petty” over things you otherwise wouldn’t bat an eye at are unfortunately part of the experience.

We experienced RPL and infertility for years, it was absolutely brutal and I had so much envy of so many people. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s just awful. But please try to give yourself some grace, they say infertility is as traumatic as divorce or a cancer diagnosis. It’s hard to pull up the good cheer when you’re constantly being beat down.

I do wonder if it would help to let BIL/SIL know how much you’re struggling? Either way, please Give yourself the space you need and deserve. sending an unmumsnetty hug, and if anyone tells you you’re being petty, please tell them to F right off.

Your feelings are your feelings they are valid. Most people would feel a similar way in your situation. But you are right to recognise you are being unreasonable here. It is not her fault she is annoyingly beautiful and privileged and fertile, any more than your struggles are your fault. It is life and life is shit sometimes.

I think the hardest I've ever cried was when, in the midst of years of (admittedly secondary) infertility struggles my beautiful cousin and friend text me to say she was pg with her second child. We were briefly pg together when she had her first and then I had my first, traumatic, mc. I could tell the wider family were worried and pussyfooting around me and her a bit at the time as we were due to meet, but she handled it brilliantly, the best of them all tbh. I had nothing but joy when her DC was born. But several years of struggle on, and of all the painful things that had happened, it was that text announcing her second that actually broke me. It doesn't matter why, it just did. I took my time to feel it because it was real. But, you have to separate your valid human feelings from other people who have nothing to do with it. By the time her dc2 was born, I was happy for them. Op, if it's too painful to see them for a while, that's ok. But their lives have nothing to do with your struggles, and if she was ugly and infertile it would make no difference to your life.