To be jealous of my SIL?

[londoner1980]

Hi all

I am very hormonal so I am sure IABU, but have joined MN for your wisdom / support / experiences /venting

I've been trying to conceive with my DH for a few years now - we've had tests, treatments, IVF, homeopathy, you name it. We're late 30s

In the meantime, my super-rich DBIL, a couple of years older, has had the most perfect two DDs with his very young super beautiful model fiancee, - the first unplanned when they were barely been together (and she was not even 25 yet ffs), the second just literally as soon as they decided they wanted another, almost straight after birth

Now my IVF round has just failed again + she is pregnant AGAIN.

I can't bear being around them. My DH & his DBro (who were always very close) are also struggling to still be friends.

It also doesn't help that she always looks completely flawless, can be a SAHM with a nanny, is still stick -thin even after two babies... etc. When we go out with the whole family she gets so much attention - so superficial I know but it's grating. I work FT and feel constantly run-down and overweight!

BIL has given us a lot of money for private treatment, which we're grateful for, which somehow feels like it complicates things. I think I'm just sick of it all. AIBU to not even want to speak to them 😓

You don’t sound bitter you sound like a woman grieving and there are no right or wrong ways to do this.

I totally agree with those who say keep distance to what you can cope with only you know what you can or can’t handle

and do ignore the posters who seem to chastise you for taking money from your family who wanted to help, Ive been there with the ivf and been so financially crippled so when my two-child sister offered to help it didn’t make me dealing with her abundant fertility any easier but it meant dealing with with my infertility felt a little less impossible you can separate these two things out

give yourself space time and if you can perhaps look to doing couples therapy with someone who specifically understands these issues - Relate are good at pairing people with the right counsellors and the definitely saved my marriage after failed ivf

But I really really keep my fingers crossed for you conceiving.

If it doesn’t happen; know that you will be ok at some point, it will be hard but with the right support and understanding and providing you protect yourself in the ways you need to, it will, over time get easier to bear.

sending much love through this really tough time x

What a horrible thing to say. You know nothing about them !

i can’t believe how many people are saying YABU. OP please take heart from the many people who have been through similar and completely understand how you are feeling. I struggled with miscarriages for years before having my DS and it completely changed me as a person, I have never felt so devastated, so withdrawn, so angry at life. It is absolutely not your sil fault but that doesn’t change how hard it makes it for you and you have to protect what little peace you have during this time. The money point is totally irrelevant, I imagine your sil and bil also probsbly feel awkward and bad about the situation and being able to help financially would have eased that a little for them. It’s in all a shitty situation for everyone but you are family and in the future when you have your babies you will heal and be able to come together again. I would just distance myself politely and quietly, protect your heart and have faith you will get there.

It’s fair enough to chastise op for taking her BIL monies whilst she slags off his wife and her appearance and lifestyle but not their monies that pay IVF
OP happy to take their money whilst simultaneously casting aspersions and being envious - that’s worthy of comment and chastisement

Honestly Op I think your emotions are valid.

It absolutely sucks when someone has what you want merely by dint of good fortune.

All I can say is no one can predict the future.

Just because she has it all now means nothing. Likewise no one knows what life has in store for you. Trust that things will work out and be aware ( and thankful) for all the little wins. Stay strong and positive and hope that this attracts more strength and positivity. Good luck. 🤞

I struggles TTC for 2 years and a miscarriage só I do feel for you, it's really hard!
But I voted YABU because although your feelings are valid, you need to try not to take it out on others.... life isn't fair, and that's unfortunate but it sounds like you BIL is helping you the way he can, and his family is not despite your own (to be).
Try to hang in there and remain positive, I know how hard it is, so sending hugs!

It absolutely sucks when someone has what you want merely by dint of good fortune.

It's not by good fortune. It's because the SIL started trying for a baby in her twenties.

IIts okay to be jealous and hate her ; that’s normal. Don’t alienate them though. Might be difficult to face up to but if you’re not able to have children you might really appreciate the relationship you can have with her kids.

Such a touching post!

It's not her fault she's nice looking and fertile. Your bitterness will be apparent. Do you make an effort with their children?

I can completely understand. I have been in a similar ish situation myself (BIL and SIL easily conceived 3 kids while I was still desperately wanting one). It’s really such a horrible situation and I really hope you get some success soon. One thing my DH used to say when I was really upset about these things was that just because they’ve been successful in conceiving, doesn’t mean that we won’t be, which did sort of help in a way but not that much 😂.

I don’t think I saw her “slagging” anyone off she listed the things that made her jealous and admitted as much quite candidly at a raw and emotional time.

she’s shining a light on her own insecurities and wondering and asking how to move past them

your comment is a bit harsh there ?

Harsh? Try Accurate
Comments about the SIL appearance, the arrival of the babies,the age gap
Acknowledgement its causing familial strain.
Happy to take their money,mind

That's unnecessary, OPs feelings are for her to sort out, we don't need to put down the DBIL and his wife to make @londoner1980 feel better.

You have literally no idea how their marriage works or if they last or not. Making statements that he will be financially butchered ins few years sound very bitter and ridiculous.

Trying to feel better about yourself by putting down your SIL and BIL will not work or last, focus on taking care of yourself and reminding yourself that everyone has different challenges and journeys and all you can do is focus on you and your DH and try your best.

What? Do lighten up!

So you moan at me for saying a post made me chuckle, but you say nothing to the person whose post caused my amusement?? Seriously strange way of thinking!

Right. I mean they are trying maybe it’s something within you. Jealousy. Bitterness.

@Ilikeadrink14 I don’t need to lighten up. I quoted both posts for a reason, but somehow you think my post was only targeted at you. I think both you and @TigerMum8 were being vindictive. Does that clear it up?

I've often said that infertility can turn the quietest, meekest woman into the queen of all that is unreasonable. However, this bitterness is no way to live. If these feelings begin to affect others outside the home then it's probably time to find a way to come to terms with things.

They must like you otherwise they wouldn’t be helping you out financially. You seem to be blaming them for their good fortune. It’s not their fault you aren’t falling pregnant! Jealously is a nasty, nasty trait! Maybe pay them back the money and distance yourself!

Agree, it’s time to repay them. Pretty despicable to take loads of their cash while secretly detesting them.

OP I understand in part where you are at the moment and your feelings are understandable. I had 3 years of fertility struggles and two of my best friends and my brother and his partner had children in that time with what felt like no effort. I had to distance myself from all of them, although when I did see them I was engaged, kind etc. which has allowed the relationships to fully recover.

It all felt so unfair, and it wasn’t that I felt that their fertility impacted mine (nobody thinks that!) but for example one friend did stuff not recommended during pregnancy like going in saunas and I just kept thinking she had no idea how hard it could be to get pregnant if she thought that was sensible! Another one had her second baby the month one of mine was due to be born if i hadn’t miscarried, and those are difficult things to navigate.

Give yourself space but also look at them with kind eyes, it’s not their fault and they are helping you in the only way they can (with money) so don’t be rude/mean to them - when you see them be kind and engaged. Just do it only as often as feels manageable, and in circumstances that are manageable (eg maybe just see them alone so you don’t have silly family members saying stupid things to make you feel worse).

I think with people making stupid comments like “they are just meant to be” you can call it out in the right way - one of my friends said to me after yet another miscarriage “I guess this wasn’t meant to be” and I told her to stop saying such fucking stupidly offensive things while I watched her two children playing, and she apologised and we moved on immediately.

Try and put the money and her age to one side. The money has helped you, and I am assuming you didn’t want kids at 25 or you would have been trying then, so these aren’t sensible things to be jealous of! (That’s not a criticism, just helpful to reflect on how you feel and put the unwarranted feelings to one side).

Wishing you all the best. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

Good kind advice ❤️

Infertility sucks! Seeing someone seemingly having everything you have ever wanted plus more makes it even harder. Taking some distance is necessary for your mental health and I would suggest therapy to help you navigate your emotions - I kind of felt like I had ptsd even when I was lucky enough to get pregnant and I think getting support will be good for you and your husband and your relationship too.
I wish you sticky baby dust!

What’s vile and tacky about a simple, quite reasonable observation based upon known facts that are in the public domain? I would say tacky is having kids with someone before the relationship has been cemented. Based on stated age difference, divorce statistics and the nature of Family Law in the U.K., it is highly likely that the DBIL will be financially eviscerated in a divorce, and that he will need support when that happens . That’s all I said.