To be jealous of my SIL?

[londoner1980]

Hi all

I am very hormonal so I am sure IABU, but have joined MN for your wisdom / support / experiences /venting

I've been trying to conceive with my DH for a few years now - we've had tests, treatments, IVF, homeopathy, you name it. We're late 30s

In the meantime, my super-rich DBIL, a couple of years older, has had the most perfect two DDs with his very young super beautiful model fiancee, - the first unplanned when they were barely been together (and she was not even 25 yet ffs), the second just literally as soon as they decided they wanted another, almost straight after birth

Now my IVF round has just failed again + she is pregnant AGAIN.

I can't bear being around them. My DH & his DBro (who were always very close) are also struggling to still be friends.

It also doesn't help that she always looks completely flawless, can be a SAHM with a nanny, is still stick -thin even after two babies... etc. When we go out with the whole family she gets so much attention - so superficial I know but it's grating. I work FT and feel constantly run-down and overweight!

BIL has given us a lot of money for private treatment, which we're grateful for, which somehow feels like it complicates things. I think I'm just sick of it all. AIBU to not even want to speak to them 😓

There's another angle here - which is that people often use money,and the giving of money,as a totally self satisfying action. It can give one a sense of power, of control, of feeling superior, of feeling like a good person.

The guy is incredibly wealthy so hasn't done extra shifts down Tesco's here to help. People ONLY DO what serves themselves, yet, we will all dress it up as something god like in it's pure altruism. It isn't.

If wealthy brother does not want to contribute - he must decide himself not to. He can stop anytime.

I am quite sure that OP will have expressed enough gratitude and subservience up to this point.

( For context, I have not undergone IVF, but I can see beyond this to realise that OP is speaking a truth that she must listen to).

I struggled with ivf for years too so know how it feels when it seems so easy for everyone else. It’s hard not to feel envious/jealous. Try to remember things aren’t usually as easy/perfect as they look. Sounds like she is in a vulnerable situation if the marriage ever fails, she has no career. She’s in the peak of her physical shape so it’s all down hill from here for her on that front too. And you don’t want her children, you want your own, her having more children has no bearing on your own chances. It’s hard though, I get it, and it’s perfectly normal to feel that way, and to make some space from it.

I think you do sound a bit ungrateful tbh. Just because they have a lot of money, it doesn't make you entitled to some of it.

It is very hard to have fertility struggles, I know to some extent. But that doesn't justify you making catty comparisons about SIL's weight and appearance. Some women are thinner than others, you need to try to get over that and not conflate it with the fertility thing.

I can understand your sadness and frustration about not being able to conceive but your anger towards your SIL is completely misplaced. You seem to misconstruct everything as a dig at you (e.g. that sil and bil were meant to have children). You have no anger towards BIL just towards SIL. Why is that? It all sounds very unhealthy.
Maybe invest in some therapy/counselling to deal with your emotions. And stop taking money from people if you don't need it. Ultimately, life isn't fair. I have DC, all have complex special needs and at least one will need lifelong care. Am I angry at all the friends with their 'perfect' teens going to school, getting an education and having a normal life? Of course not. Try to look at what you have (jobs, good income etc) and appreciate that. Focussing only on what you want, but can't have will just eat up. I had to learn it the hard way but it's important you can make that switch.

It would be a real shame for your DH and his brother to fall out. Sibling relationships are really important, especially as their parents get older.

I think you sound tired, hormonal and unhappy. I’m really sorry. You’re not actually envious of this woman, but of everything she represents. Everything you’ve mentioned about her will be everything you feel insecure about yourself.

I’m giving you a huge virtual hug.

The nicer side would assume his doing it because he loves his brother and wants him to accomplish this goal with a little debt as possible to fulfil the desire he has to become a father.

Not everyone has to have a bad motive. In fact I’m sure the last thing the brother wants is to lose his brother due to infertility.

I voted YANBU because you can't help how you feel. I think anyone would feel a pang in your situation.
I hope you get pregnant soon.

I don't see the reality as bad, it's simply human. The 2 can co exist, what you say and what I say.

The point is - OP has no emotional space for any further gratitude or even fawning. It helps to realise what people really are. That is, that we are all self serving. OPs instincts are working just fine.

There's nothing here telling me OP needs to start finding more gratitude for the family. She simply needs space to help her process her understandable pain.

TTC when it's not working out is so so hard, I'm very sorry, I know how tough it is, and how hard it is to watch others sail through it. YANBU for the thoughts, but you will still need to speak to them, it's not their fault, as grating as it is.

I've put YANBU to show that I empathise with you as your situation is very very shit. Only a saint would NOT feel jealousy in your situation if they were being honest.

However, you know YABU really ... you just can't help it.

Yes, you’re being unreasonable.

But… infertility and grief can do that do you. I remember being so jealous of close friends having their perfect pregnancies whilst I was grieving miscarriages. Watching their life fall into place whilst mine felt like it fell to pieces. I was jealous - and I was unreasonable to feel that way towards people I cared about. But I couldn’t help it - and it’s NORMAL. You can’t help how you feel.

I think BIL is a saint for offering money towards your private treatment.

But that doesn’t take away from the pangs of jealousy you feel that they’re having babies and you can’t.

I think it’s incredibly hard when people close to you are having babies and you’re not and desperately want too.

Be gentle with yourself. It’s easier said than done but try to remind yourself someone else’s fertility and children will not change your situation. Try to be there for your nephews / nieces when possible, but don’t feel bad if you need to take some time away if needed too.

Adding to my comment, try not to focus on her age, BIL age, her weight or money to afford a nanny etc. Comparison is the biggest thief of joy and it will not change your circumstances x

I am sorry you feel this way. Every relationship has its problems, and you say you’ve been through a lot yourself. I’m not wishing it on your bro and SiL but no-one has the perfect life 24/7, even if it seems that way to you, and their turn will come. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
Please try to lead your own life as best you can, without for ever comparing your life to theirs. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
I really envied my life-long friend when we were young, back in the 60s. Her dad bought a gorgeous car, really sporty, British Racing Green, and fab. My dad could only afford a grey chunky second hand A40. She was tall, (I’m not), she was better off financially, and, years ago, gave birth to a boy and a girl, who did really well in their careers. I wanted a boy, but gave birth to a girl. Everything I wanted,she managed to have.
Recently, she developed Alzheimer’s, and eventually died.
Be careful what you wish for!

If that’s how you feel, you shouldn’t be accepting money off them.

I wonder if this attitude is why your SIL is standoffish with you?

It's not your SIL/BIL's fault you and your dh can't conceive. You need to give your head a wobble.

It must be hard to want a child and it not happen and you have my utmost sympathy for that but please don't cause a rift in your dh's family bc of this.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Agree. If you begrudge them so much, and dislike the SIL, have the integrity to not take their funding.

Bless you, I completely relate to this post. I had many many miscarriages before I had my wonderful babies. I became very angry (internally) at alot of people. Feeling like they took their luck for granted or didn't appreciate their miracles enough. In the end it only hurt me.
But, for self preservation, take a gentle step back. It's a really hard time and from what I gather from my own and other people's experiences... your feelings are very normal. Be kind to yourself.

I’m not going to vote, because I think both apply. Yes, you’re being unreasonable, but unsurprisingly. There’s a lot going on for you, and it must be really hard to deal with. It isn’t her fault though, but it’s not unreasonable to take some space for yourself.

I have little advice to give but just wanted to say you have every right to feel sad and a tad bitter. That feeling that it might never happen consumes you and twists all your rational thinking.

Try to channel that energy elsewhere though as it sounds like your BIL and SIL would also love for you to have a baby and probably feel sad for you too. My brother and his wife are in a very similar situation to you and my sister and I have said before we both desperately long to hear they have good news.

I really hope it happens for you soon. X

It's easy to imagine that people have a perfect life from the outside - in reality she probably has the same insecurities/upsets/worries as other people!

What you're going through has skewed your view of your SIL and YABU. It's not her fault that you are struggling to conceive, or that she has had children easily herself. If you want to distance yourself for a bit then do. But don't allow comparisons with others to rule your life. Everybody is dealing with stuff that other people don't know about. No-one has a perfect life.

Your feelings are completely valid OP. Life isn't fair and it's cruel that fate has thus far denied you a baby and you're having to sit in the uncertainty of not knowing if/when it will happen. Your SIL's life sounds awful to me though, for what it's worth. Three kids and no career and in a power- imbalanced relationship with a significantly older man- im sure she's happy but it sounds like a nightmare. I hope you get your baby soon and I think when you do all these feelings will ebb away and you'll be happy with your life again.

Exactly.

Fertility treatment can make you a different person with all the hormonal changes. OP needs to be careful she doesn’t push her in laws and DH away as he could see what his DB has and start getting ideas. Even if he’s not rich, men always seem able to snag someone at least 10 years younger.

YNBA

I completely agree with above re comparison being the thief of joy. It is human to compare yourself to her, but them having babies do not take away any babies that you may have had or still may have hopefully.

It would be really sad to lose such a loving family connection, and potential relationships with nieces and nephews. Causing a family rift over jealousy will surely not contribute to your and especially your husband's happiness. And I think it is amazing that he has helped you, although sadly you sound so dismissive of it.

You are going through an extremely painful period, but if they did not have any children at all, would that have made you feel any better about your own struggles? Surely not, your pain at struggling to conceive would still be just as great, so why then does the fact that they do have children make you feel worse? And her looks are surely immaterial.

For your own happiness, please please get counseling and try to see your struggles as completely separate to their lives. I wish you all the best.

YANBU to feel the way you do. In my opinion you’d have to be a saint not to feel it. Life isn’t fair. I wish you success in your fertility journey.