To be jealous of my SIL?

[londoner1980]

Hi all

I am very hormonal so I am sure IABU, but have joined MN for your wisdom / support / experiences /venting

I've been trying to conceive with my DH for a few years now - we've had tests, treatments, IVF, homeopathy, you name it. We're late 30s

In the meantime, my super-rich DBIL, a couple of years older, has had the most perfect two DDs with his very young super beautiful model fiancee, - the first unplanned when they were barely been together (and she was not even 25 yet ffs), the second just literally as soon as they decided they wanted another, almost straight after birth

Now my IVF round has just failed again + she is pregnant AGAIN.

I can't bear being around them. My DH & his DBro (who were always very close) are also struggling to still be friends.

It also doesn't help that she always looks completely flawless, can be a SAHM with a nanny, is still stick -thin even after two babies... etc. When we go out with the whole family she gets so much attention - so superficial I know but it's grating. I work FT and feel constantly run-down and overweight!

BIL has given us a lot of money for private treatment, which we're grateful for, which somehow feels like it complicates things. I think I'm just sick of it all. AIBU to not even want to speak to them 😓

Obviously you are being unreasonable but I really don't judge you for it. It must be really hard. As someone who has been on the other side I didn't judge a family member at all for pulling back a bit when we had kids and it wasn't happening for them. Suspect I'd be the same.

I agree with you- my cousin was married to a rich man who loved to flash the cash and let everyone know how great and benevolent he was. Generosity doesn't always come from a good place.

Your feelings are completely valid and when you're dealing with fertility struggles, everything feels so much more raw. Similarly, I am 10 years older than my uber successful SIL who conceived with no problems and I am constantly being reminded by my far more reasonable DH that things are not always as they seem. And I know he's right . . . but it doesn't stop it hurting. Be kind to yourself, give yourself some temporary space if you need it but try not to jeopardise future family relations.

Ha - an 'unplanned' pregnancy to a super rich dude after being together for two minutes. Just focus on your own thing. Your DBIL will probably need a bit of support in a few years when he's been financially butchered in the divorce.

I'd stay away from them. It's causing you pain and distress. It's not their fault, but nor is it yours, and you should protect yourself.

OP I can't imagine how hard this is for you, the failed IVFs are devastating and it must feel like she has it all and you have nothing (not true though) however, just put yourself in her shoes for a mo and to her, her SIL is being really off with her and the relationship between the brothers is strained, they have given you money for more IVF and this is how you act...she must think you're a dreadful person and quite honestly it's starting to look like that. You need to work out how not to be so bitter and jealous as it's really not fair on her that you're having these struggles, she hasn't had babies to get one over on you. Sorry to sound so harsh but this could really have a long term affect on you and your family. What if u do get pregnant soon? You're going to then want the attention yourself and nobody will be interested because everyone has fallen out!

This is vile. I hope they have a long and happy marriage.

People can be so bitter.

You can always say no to the money if this is how you feel.

can be a SAHM with a nanny, is still stick -thin even after two babies... etc. When we go out with the whole family she gets so much attention - so superficial I know but it's grating. I work FT

Meh! You work in a useful job and have your independence. Her looks are about youth & her husband's money. They don't last.

Good luck!

But I know how difficult those family gatherings can be ... maybe your DH should have a word with his parents to say how hurtful the lack of attention is ... Not the attention on their other DiL, but the way that you two are overlooked.

Yep.

I’m sorry to hear how you are feeling op.

Truthfully, your plight and your feelings are not at all uncommon; I’ve known several people in this sort of situation, both ttc and also who lost babies. I think it’s very natural to ( slightly irrationally) experience other people’s babies as a kick in the teeth. Feelings can be very natural even if wrong and illogical, and ttc is a very emotional, hormonal journey, so don’t beat yourself up.

I’ve known a lot of people ttc who withdraw from those round them with young babies, and they have normally “come right” the minute they are holding their new arrival. It’s not right, but, with an ounce of understanding, it’s explicable.

I think in your case there are several factors making it worse: the comments from relatives which were insensitive, SIL’s age and also the funding by BIL I can see adds a whole other dimension to the dynamic.

You seem to be aware of what is causing your aversion to her, which is a step in the right direction. Try to deal with it, but also allow yourself the space you need. It’s a very hard situation for you and I wish you every success on your ttc journey. Sending hugs - and above all don’t let this become a destructive force between you and DH. You never know what’s round the corner in this life.

Fertility and TTC can be a lonely journey. I'm not going to vote as it's such a grey area of emotions and feelings. Have you considered a donor egg or sperm? If the IVF isn't working? Maybe just give yourself some distance from SIL and social media. If BIL asks DH just say you needed a mental break to get into the right headspace. The feeling of burning injustice longing and envy is real and valid. Take some time for therapy for yourself. It's bloody hard

You are not being bitter and dramatic. You are being upset. Don't castigate yourself for feeling the way you do. I don't know what else to say, but don't feel guilty for feeling that way. We are all not angels.

You aren’t being bitter, you’re grieving for a life you want and others have so easily. Be kind to yourself, it’s natural to feel this way.
Take some time and if they are decent they’ll understand

I think going through fertility struggles you're always going to feel this way. How you manage your feelings is another thing. Your fertility struggles aren't anything to do with them, and their lives will go on regardless. But I know you know that, you're venting and that's allowed. Have you access to fertility counsellors in your clinic? They can be so helpful to guide you in managing your feelings.

Just as an aside, with 2 babies and 3 pregnancies in a short space of time, I'd hazard a guess that they are not, in fact, still in the honeymoon stage😅 Sounds like there's an awful lot of bluffing going on on their part to make it seem perfect on the surface!

I think the vast majority of people would feel similar in your position and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to just tell them you’re struggling and need some space and step back from seeing as much of them.

I have a close friend who has undergone years of IVF sadly unsuccessfully and she has felt the need to step back for a while when I had my babies. I just let her know I care about her and checked in occasionally and that’s ok.

To add: I am also jealous of people who can afford to be a SAHM and have a nanny! I would love to just afford to be a stay at home mum ☹️ or be able to afford to have a nanny for my little one while I’m at childcare. Both is a very privileged place to be. I have friends who bring the nanny on the family holiday to exotic locations and we do roll our eyes and mildly bitch about them. So it goes.

I know fertility issues can make you feel some very intense jealousy/sadness, but I think you’re being unreasonable. They aren’t having children to spite you. They are just living their lives and also have tried to help you. I think if you fall out with them then once your TTC journey is over you’d regret it.

Jealousy and bitterness are natural feelings in this case. I would be too and I don’t believe anyone who says different. Life comes so easily to some people and it grates when you’re not on one them.

This in spades. OP, in the nicest possible way, please step away from social media. If it helps to deactivate your accounts for the sake of your mental health, please do that. Focus on being healthy, all the things that you do have and not on the things that you don’t have. You need to prioritise your relationship with your husband, not just on this IVF journey, but in general. This will take its toll on you, physically, mentally etc. so you both need to be on the same page. Try to have more fun and relax and enjoy your life more because being stressed, anxious and quite frankly bitter, can be quite counterproductive to your health and wellbeing. I’d also facilitate more time for your husband and his brother to spend more quality time together. Hopefully you can focus on your own hobbies and interests and not on all the things you think you are lacking. Hopefully you’ll have some good news soon and it doesn’t matter how many kids someone else has, what she does or doesn’t do. It’s not your life. And you have a lot to be happy about and be grateful for.

You're stating the obvious there.

This made me chuckle!

There’s no need to be vindictive. It reeks of jealousy and it isn’t good to harbour such ill feelings towards others.

Thank you so much for your messages, I really appreciate them!
Just catching up with some work thngs and will reply - thank you

Agree with this. You don't like them but will happily take their money