Not to take husband to work everyday and pick him up

[robinsongs]

I have a 5 month old and two young children in early primary school years and mornings are pretty hectic as it is. Dh works a 10 minute drive away 20 minute walk and expects me to drive him there in the morning as I’m on maternity and pick him up when he finishes but he doesn’t have a finish time so he just texts when he’s finished, which is usually when I’m in the middle of cooking dinner or something and expects me to drop everything.
I put my foot down and said no as it’s disrupting 4 people in the morning as it’s 10 minutes each way and that’s 20 minutes cut off my morning and I have a baby to feed and then to get the others to school.

He isn’t one for taking no for an answer and has pushed and pushed and basically insisted telling the children they will be getting up earlier from now on to take daddy and I feel defeated as I have firmly said no and he’s just not accepting it because he’s decided I will.
AIBU or should I take him to work as I’m home all day and he’s working hard or should he respect my no and not push and push. He’s now asleep thinking he’s getting a lift in and picked up and I am awake feeling quite bitter that no matter how many times I made it clear I wouldn’t be taking him, it seems he’s just decided he’s getting his way and I am.
He can’t drive himself to work as there’s no parking nearby.

What a selfish bully.
This is really not a good situation.
Dragging out 3 children into the car because of his laziness is just awful.
OP, good men do not behave like this.
Selfish bullys do.

You sound very vulnerable. Have you family support?

Just thinking about it as well, my kids used to go to nursery which was about 25 mins walk away, so 4 out of 5 days my DH would push a double buggy, up a hill to nursery then get himself to work by train (probably 15 mins, with another 5/10 min walk to the station from nursery, then to his office from the station). When he took paternity leave I did exactly the same.

Then the parent not working would go and pick the elder 2 up from nursery with the baby and walk back- so 3 kids, approx 45/ 50 mins walk with a break in the middle. I actually enjoyed it most of the time.

It just sounds like pure laziness/ power play to me.

Pathetic. A 20min walk to work is nothing! I would be saying he can walk or get a bike. 20min walk for him or disrupting his entire family’s morning and evening routine. Lazy bastard.

Ugh it screams “Don’t forget me, I still matter, it’s not just the kids you need to look after, give me a lift mommy” 🤮

What a lazy git.

Read him the riot act, OP. He thinks he can push your boundaries so you need to make it absolutely clear that he can't.

I used to walk to work, 30+ minutes each way, and be on my feet all day while working. 3 times a week I'd walk home with a backpack loaded with groceries. I did this all year round, including rain and snow, including when 8 months pregnant.
What's his excuse?

We have no idea of the route. Pedestrians can use short cuts cars can't. The walk to my primary school was less than a mile. The only route by car would have been nearer 3 miles.

Depends on traffic/one way systems. Can easily take as long to drive as to walk somewhere in London for example.

What a pathetic man - if it takes 20 minutes to walk and 10 to drive, all he needs to do is leave TEN minutes earlier. Offer if it’s raining and maybe pick him up if it’s convenient but a 20 minute walk should not be beyond him.

He sounds like an idiot.

OP, you really need to have a firm conversation with your grown up child OH.
He is being totally unreasonable in expecting you to not only raise three children and run the home but to also be a taxi driver at his beck and call.

A 20 minute walk each way to work would do him the power of good - great exercise, clear his mind etc. Not only that, by not making unnecessary car journeys you would both be cutting down on fuel emissions and running costs.

Have the talk with him and stand your ground - by all means take him if it's pouring with rain but otherwise let the idle bugger walk.

I think there would be a big risk of me seriously losing my temper in your situation which would be bad for everyone.

I would have a final 'come to Jesus' conversation about his moaning and then if there is anymore whining, treat him like you would a child. Ignore and possibly give consequences that he will dislike. I'd warn him I'd be doing this but act like a ridiculous toddler and get treated like one.

How can you fancy such a 'man'?

If he can't manage a twenty-minute walk twice a day, he needs to see a doctor and find out what's wrong with him.

I honestly can't imagine any world in which my partner would expect me to get up and disrupt my routine to take him to work on a bog standard work day, especially if it would only take him 20 mins to get there under his own steam. We are very kind to each other and always offer lists for things that are difficult, or a one off - like needing a lift to the airport, trains are off etc. but daily commute? No chance.

I think he's being very spoilt and acting like a 3rd child to be honest. A 20 minute walk is nothing. I used to walk 40 mins to work and thought nothing of it. If it was really adverse weather then I'd do it but it absolutely would not be the norm. I think I would be having a conversation the next time he asks and directly asking him why he thinks it's acceptable to continue putting pressure on you when you've already said no and that it doesn't work for you while you're on mat leave?

Does he have form for selfish or lazy behaviour?

The giving of lifts and logistics of the mornings are symptoms, they are not the actual problem.
The real problem is that OP is not able to say "No" to her DH in a manner that he actually hears and accepts.
This will be partly the way she speaks and behaves, and partly the way he views her and treats her.

... over the months has pushed and pushed ... last week I caved ... making it clear I wasn’t going to be doing it all the time but he goes on and on about it. “Are you sure you don’t want to take me to work” until he grinds me down and I haven’t agreed in fact the opposite I’ve said no and it means nothing, as far as he’s concerned he’s getting a lift and told the children no matter how much I assert my no it falls on deaf ears.
... He’s just worming his way back into getting a lift again and I’m more upset at his disregard for any boundaries.

OP - you have to say 'No' loud and clear, and NEVER EVER CAVE IN.
You have to not mind being "mean" or "selfish", and don't allow yourself to be ground down by him. You have to be immune to the verbal barrage and hold firm. His words should have no power over you.

How do you cope with children who wheedle and whine and beg? Do you try to say no but then cave in to them for a quiet life? As a parent, do you consider yourself to be 'strict'? Are you consistent with rules and discipline?

The answer to “Are you sure you don’t want to take me to work?” is "Quite sure thank you, I am not taking you to work".

no matter how much I assert my no it falls on deaf ears
Can he actually thrust the car keys into your hands, push you into the seat behind the wheel and make you start the engine? Of course not.
So he has no actual power to make you take him to work.
So don't do it.
Just don't do it.
That's all it takes.

Although a twenty minute walk was part of my own day on my last contract and I really liked it. I'd go a half hour early to start off in a coffee shop. Bit of exercise sets you up physically and mentally, fresh air and sunlight, thinking time for the morning's work. It's daylight now and getting warmer. Stick to your guns OP.

I have a solution for your selfish bully of a husband - he gets up at exactly the same time he does now, but spends only 10 mins on the toilet. The 20 mins he saves can be spent on walking to work.

Lazy fucker.. My dd 19 walks 20 mins to the train, works 7.30 til 6 and walks back from the station.. Sometimes I time a shop to pick her up but she never complains... It's called adulting....
Suggest he mans the fuck up.
I bet your respect for him is in the gutter... Maybe add that into the conversation...

Ensuring my children are fit and healthy is mean? Walking is good for them, no matter the weather, and they need to get used to the cold. I only learnt to drive a bit over a year ago so they are well used to walking in all weathers. Me and DD used to have to walk well over an hour each way for the nursery run even when it was pissing it down or -20 or even colder.

You've told him no. Don't cave in.

It's nearly summer, the weather is lovely. A 20 min walk is about 5 min on a bike, and if it's a 10 min drive that's 20 mins of your time anyway. The exercise will probably do him good.

You're on Mat leave, not holiday.

OP, you have to say no and then simply not do it. My mum used to spend half her life moaning about stuff and I told her that she was the only one who could stop it by literally not doing it...

He is always going to push if you give in. say no, don't get dressed, leave the DC in bed, don't get in the car. Make it clear that you mean it. It is the only way.

Your h is a selfish, thoughtless idiot who doesn’t respect your boundaries.

Say no again.

Say you’re exhausted as you’re BFibg and getting broken sleep.

Ask him why he thinks his needs are more important than the needs of three other people.

Say no. Talk the kids you’re not taking him. And tell him to stop using the kids to communicate through; it’s not fair.

What a prince amongst men.🙄 Maternity leave is time for you to recover from the birth and get to know your baby. It's not intended for ferrying able-bodied adults about. He's currently in a mindset where he's on your list of people to be looked after, but does he really believe that's sustainable? What's he going to do when you return to work? Has it occurred to him that his schedule might be more compatible with school or nursery than yours and he might have to wrangle a child or two enroute to or from home?

Yeah. I prefer not to arrive to work looking like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards.
What would I need to do to qualify as active by your standards?