Expecting to babysit at the weekend

[sundaysitter]

My wife and I don’t have children yet—fingers crossed, hopefully soon! Her sister recently had a baby, and now that her maternity leave is over, we’re being asked to babysit when both she and her husband are working. Due to their shift patterns, she needs cover at least once a month, but I expect it will average twice or more.

I completely understand that she wants someone she trusts to look after her child, and I know how much he means to her. However, she acts as though she’s doing us a favour by letting us spend time with him because he’s "the most wonderful thing ever" and "it's good practice for you."

Here’s the real kicker. They live over an hour away. By the time we factor in travel, handover, and everything else, it’s likely to take up at least nine hours of our Sunday.

My wife has said I don’t have to come along if I don’t want to, but since she also works shifts, we often only get one full day together on the weekend. I don’t want to spend that limited time apart.

I’m trying to be reasonable, but to be honest, I don’t want to do this even once—let alone have it become a regular thing, which I can already see will be the expectation.

Suggest they drop off and pick up the little cherub.. After all they need the favour...
Never get onto babysitting for family ime...blurs the lines...

Now is the time to draw those boundaries! You will have to put some very firm boundaries in here.

Be clear with your wife - this is an occasional favour your offering - it is not a regular commitment. Make it clear to your wife you do not expect this to become a regular commitment. Fast forward to when you have your own child - will they return the favour ? My feeling is they will not.

I'd get some dates in the diary for going away at the weekends so neither of you are free to provide free child care.

I'd book a few things in for the next few weekends. Nip it in the bud now before it becomes an engrained expectation

Thank you. I did suggest they drop him off at ours so we could at least be in the comfort of our own home, but my wife said, they’re not going to do that, are they.

After five long days at work, then spending Saturday catching up on household chores, the thought of a nine-hour 'shift' on Sunday only to go straight into another five day workweek really isn’t filling me with joy.

No chance I'd do this.

Tell them you'll look after him in extreme emergencies only, and at your house.

The cheek of it! They need to arrange proper childcare.

You don't have to do it but you do not have the right to stop your wife doing it. You can explain how you feel and ask for that to be taken into consideration but if she wants to help her sister that's up to her. I used to drive 2.5 hours on a monday, mind my niece and nephew tue, wed, Thurs and then drive home and my husband never once tried to stop me because he knew it meant a lot to me and was incredibly helpful for my brother and sil but to be fair I gained the most because of the relationship with the children.

Will they be able to do something similar for you when yuh have children - babysit once or twice a month so it isnl reciprocal? Either for work childcare or for date nights etc?

and if you are seeing it as a chore maybe you aren’t ready for parenting! And perhaps your wife wants to practice

Well if you all work shifts, maybe in the future would be a good reciprocal thing? I would agree to once a month? If your wife wants to do it twice you can stay at home.

Disagree with you there. There's a big difference from doing the occasional baby sitting shift, but this is a regular and sizable commitment. There's a big difference between looking after your own child and someone else's.

Just because this poster doesn't want to babysit for his SIL, doesn't mean he's not ready to be a parent

I don’t wish to come across as careless or unkind, and I certainly don’t want to seem selfish but it’s not like we’d ever need a reciprocal arrangement. And I agree, it’s completely different when it’s your own children.

Yep, I’m with you. A couple of much-appreciated hours here and there while they have a rare night out is very different to you giving up 9 hours of your Sunday at least one week in four so they can go to work. They need to source regular paid childcare. They are so cheeky for acting like giving up a day of your weekend is some kind of bonus / treat / luck for you!

They’ll no doubt point out they can’t work without your help and be devastated. However, sometimes CFs like them do need to bear in mind that they knowingly chose to have a baby while doing those shift patterns and don’t seem to have considered a work around for after maternity leave other than just assuming that you’ll do it. It’s something they should never have expectantly asked you to do unless you had already given very clear signs of enthusiasm about helping. Presumably you absolutely did not, but now the time to spell it out. How often on here do we see nice people roped into helping with things that only suit the recipient and which often become even more piss-taking with time?!

Yes your own can be worse! Relentlessly neverending

@sundaysitter never you would never want it reciprocated

what is it that is making you angry and who are you angry at?

Your wife is entitled to a close relationship with her nephew and to help her sister out with childcare. In many families, outside of MN, it's the norm. You are entitled to decide that it's a deal breakers.
@DPotter why does the OP get to dictate what his wife does?

It's your wife's sister's baby though and your wife obviously is happy to take care of the baby once or twice a month. She's not forcing you to do it - you are free to do what you want. I don't think you have the right to demand that your wife doesn't babysit though.

Sunday childcare isn’t going to be easy to source though is it

Totally agree with this.

But your wife might have ideas a wanting the cousins to have sleep overs and being a close extended family. You need to talk about expectations and attitudes to wider family.

I bet she won't be once she's done it a couple of times.

And especially when the baby gets older and more mobile and clingy.

If my sister asked me to watch my DN and I was free I wold do it
Woudn’t expect my DH to get involved but neither would I need his permission

Omg you cannot be serious.

If it’s a nine hour day, take your laundry and laptop with you. I’d do my home admin and the washing/ironing whilst there, whilst wife is doing childcare. (That’s what parents do irl)
I’d also help myself to their nice food and stuff, make myself at home. I wouldn’t feel obliged to tidy up, leave them the washing up to do as it’s their house after all. (They’ll probably stop asking if you are lucky)

After a while I’d let my wife do it by herself, as you can’t stop her if she wants to, but I would arrange to go out with friends instead as that is what you want. Then on your day together do the home admin and chores.
Eventually she will get fed up and stop doing it regularly or she will be clear she’s happy with the arrangement.

(I am female - my sister provided regular childcare for me but I paid her for her time and costs, because to do otherwise is taking the proverbial)

Just as likely that she will absolutely love it and forge a close relationship with her neice or nephew. In many families, this is the norm.

Where do you get he’s angry ? He doesn’t come across that way at all . He’s explained his situation and it’s not difficult to understand. Perhaps read it again and see his point of view . Sure his wife can go alone and do it . I bet she will soon tire of it . That’s a massive commitment especially when her sister thinks she’s doing her a favour . Holy shit. That’s cheek .

He doesn't, but likewise, his wife doesn't get to dictate how he spends his weekends. They have one day off each week together, he's not unreasonable that he doesn't want to spend it at someone else's house babysitting. their decision should be mutual. I just get the feeling the SIL is verging on CF-ery by saying it is useful practise !