Expecting to babysit at the weekend

[sundaysitter]

My wife and I don’t have children yet—fingers crossed, hopefully soon! Her sister recently had a baby, and now that her maternity leave is over, we’re being asked to babysit when both she and her husband are working. Due to their shift patterns, she needs cover at least once a month, but I expect it will average twice or more.

I completely understand that she wants someone she trusts to look after her child, and I know how much he means to her. However, she acts as though she’s doing us a favour by letting us spend time with him because he’s "the most wonderful thing ever" and "it's good practice for you."

Here’s the real kicker. They live over an hour away. By the time we factor in travel, handover, and everything else, it’s likely to take up at least nine hours of our Sunday.

My wife has said I don’t have to come along if I don’t want to, but since she also works shifts, we often only get one full day together on the weekend. I don’t want to spend that limited time apart.

I’m trying to be reasonable, but to be honest, I don’t want to do this even once—let alone have it become a regular thing, which I can already see will be the expectation.

What's your wife's take on this? Is she happy to do it, or does she also think her sister is a cf and only does it to keep the peace?

Absolutely wrong. Other people’s children= a chore, mine a joy.
Do you think nannies should work for free?

Let's be honest here, it's not going to be one or two Sundays a month. It will end up being every Sunday and most Saturdays too. CF start small and then push, cajole and manipulate until you end up wondering how you started a creche as a side gig at the weekends. Wave your wife off on a Sunday morning, sit back with a coffee and crossword, meet friends, see you own family and wait for her to realize she's become a doormat.

So you're wife said you don't have to go along so why are you on here whinging about it!
Also your part about sil thinking hes the most wonderful thing; well of course she does he's her son. You sound jealous of a baby ffs grow up.

This.
Your wife has obviously decided that this is something she would like to do, not only to build a lovely relationship with her dn, but to enable her sister and BiL to continue with their careers. There isn't commercial childcare on Sundays, so, if no-one is willing to help them, then that means one of them can no longer work in their current jobs.
I would have done this for my sister in a heartbeat. As do many, many people across the country.

You aren't being forced to do this. It's up to you if you want to go, or if you never go, or if you join them sometimes. Your wife can also make her own decision.

You are being MASSIVELY unreasonable because this is your wife that is being asked to do this, not you.. you don't have to go as she has told you to stay at home if you prefer, so I'd suggest you wind your neck on it. If your wife doesn't want to do it, then she will say that she doesn't want to do it, or does what she want not matter?

Why don't you do the chores for the 9 hours she is gone one Sunday a month and spend the Saturday together that weekend instead?

You sound quite selfish and controlling demanding her whole attention every Sunday, even going as far to follow her babysitting, no doubt to whinge and moan about the injustice of it.

Wow OP you’re getting shit on here aren’t you? While I agree you cannot tell your wife what to do I do believe in a relationship it’s important to discuss how you both spend your free time. I wouldn’t want to babysit for 9 hrs on a regular reoccurring day and who is babysitting on the Sundays your DW is not babysitting? To me you make babycare arrangements while still pregnant so you can plan for your return to work. I do alot with my family they are my primary source of friendship and my DH knew this before we married and yet I can assure you he would
have something to say about me babysitting on a Sunday all day long in any predictable pattern.

Have you talked to your wife about this? And said I understand you want to do this now, but I think you should make it max once per month and be firm, because we aren’t reliable - as soon as you’re pregnant you have no idea how you’ll feel and if you’ll need that day to rest and after that we’ll have our own baby to care for, so it’s really important to establish those boundaries so they realise you aren’t a fail safe solution, or if you can’t do it your sister might be really angry at you for letting her down instead of recognising of course you have to prioritise your health if you’re pregnant.
I couldn’t have done it in most months when pregnant, dh did the lions share of parenting our own children.

I don’t want to spend that limited time apart.

I’m trying to be reasonable, but to be honest, I don’t want to do this even once—let alone have it become a regular thing

THAT is why he is getting shit, because not only does he want to dictate how they spend their time together, he doesn't even want her to do it as a one off, so wouldn't be happy about it anyway even is it was once every 3 months.

And the kicker is, he isn't even being asked to do it!!

Also, the shift pattern problem doesn't mean it is every week, some people work 7 days on and 4 days off etc, and some people work evenings/morning as a routine pattern, it sounds like the problem of them being double booked at work is only occurring once every 4 weeks or so and the wife could specify that she only wants to do it once a month but no more than that.

But it is entirely down to the wife as to what she wants to do, she shouldn't need his bloody permission to spend time with her family once a month.

He deserves all the shit he is getting IMO.

Nope there is just something in his posts that makes me think that relating to this particular situation- the way he wants to control his wife and the fact it will never be reciprocated

sometimes things can just relate to the current situation and not need to extrapolate out

abd really your kids are a joy all the time!

This!!

Your wife wants to do it - so let her! You stay at home. She will probably find it tough after a while, but you cannot control what she does at weekends. Get yourself an activity and do that while she’s out. I help my DB and DSIL out occasionally - 90 minutes drive each way. DH stays at home.

Prior to having children I’d have happily done this for my nephew; I appreciate that you don’t want to and i suspect my DH would have felt the same and I wouldn’t have made him either, so if you don’t want to then don’t go but don’t make it hard on your wife who wants to.
You don’t know whether you might actually enjoy it though unless you try it

They can

1. pay for travel expenses and also money to take baby out.
2. drop off baby and pick up
3. deal with the baby they planned to have and they should have factored that in pre TTC and be responsible.

When you don't have a village you have to PLAN. and having children is leas easy.

Yes help in emergencies when possible. Like proper urgent emergencies. But NO rosta baby sitting is unacceptable unless pre agreed before they TTC.

We had it in our family and my DPs were going twice a month for 5 days at a time to SILs to Baby sit and they pived 2 hours away. They were told they have to and SIL had a diary and planner and planned months ahead. DPs felt trapped and like they had kids again. No travel expenses paid and they couldn't go on holidays when they wanted or visit other children or help with thise with emergencies.

Hmm yes do this if you want to really create an issue between your wife and her sister. It’s once a month, are people really that petty that they won’t help family out once a month?

Why do you need to go? When my siblings had dc before me I often babysat. Once a month doesn’t sound a lot. If you wife is happy to do it then I don’t see the issue.

I would do this for my nieces/ nephews, and any partner who tried to intervene would get short shrift. It’s not just babysitting, your wife will have the pleasure of quality time with the baby, who is her family.

Ouch.

The original plan was for me to come along, but when I showed a little hesitation, she said I didn’t have to, but that was the plan.

I know this is a bit of a moan, but I’m genuinely trying to gauge whether I’m being reasonable here.

My point is of course, she thinks her baby is the most wonderful thing in the world, but she doesn’t seem to realise that others might not feel the same. That is why the thinks she is doing us a favour.

I’m not jealous of the baby. What bothers me is that our one day off together now feels like it’s turning into a babysitting day.

I already do the chores on my own most weekends so we can have a free day together to spend some quality time.

I agree my wife is free to do what she wants, but I think there should be some consideration.

Does your wife actually want to babysit, or does she feel some sort of obligation to do so?

1. I would say no on the basis that she thinks she's doing me a favour. I would show my reluctance and say I rather go to the cinema but if she reallly needs help once...ok..
2. No way I would go and pick up the child I'm supposed to banysit! CF!

My MIL loves my dc dearly and she loves having them over. I still consider it a favour and I thank her profusely. And would never dream of telling her to pick up (she always offers, we always decline.

MN is weird.

Here is someone who is pushing for a family member to give up the one day they have as family, to drive 2 hours, and do so 2 a week. Which means every other weekend is now taken over.

Normally, there would be people up in arms, cheeky fucker comments agd saying that they decided to have a child, it’s up to them to organise childcare wo relying on unpaid childminders like family members. Very very weird.
Oh wait! The OP isa man…. Here we go….

Nope if the wife was saying those things of course that would be the response but she isn’t - I assume she is quite happy with the arrangement otherwise the OP would have led with that

@sundaysitter i personally think your SIL is a CF. Both in thinking she can ask so regularly. And in some ways guilt tripping your dwife into accepting ‘because oh look how nice baby is’ etc…. It sounds too close to emotionally guilting her for confort.

Having said that, the issue here is with your dwife and yourself.

I think it’s pretty normal not to want to babysit so much. Plenty of grand parents would refuse too.
But the issue here is that you feel that way and your dwife doesn’t. Maybe she feels guilty if she doesn’t help her sister. Maybe she truly relish looking after the baby. Maybe it’s helping her whikst you’re trying to conceive. But she clearky is not going so say no to them.

The bottom line is that you need to talk. No one here is right or wrong. There is certainly no need to shouting ‘boundaries’ etc… that’s something that needs to be negotiated.

Well in a couple, decisions that have an impact on BOTH people are usually taken together.
In this case, it’s a decision that is affecting them both.

Of course the dwife can do whatever she wants. But it’s shitty not to take her dh views into account. Just like it would be if she had decided to disappear every other weekend for the whole day, meaning they don’t get time together.
Pretty normal for her partner to not like it.

I hear cycling and football are good hobbies that you could take up on weekends

Your wife has agreed and wants to do it. It will be difficult to get paid child care for 1-2 times per month so unlikely your wife will change her mind unless she really cannot cope.

Yanbu to expect more help with the chores if wife not doing her share and to not always go along to the babysitting when you would rather not. Yabu to make wife feel bad about helping sister and spending time babysitting. Once you're feeling confident you can go for nice days out rather than hang about sil's house.