Expecting to babysit at the weekend

[sundaysitter]

My wife and I don’t have children yet—fingers crossed, hopefully soon! Her sister recently had a baby, and now that her maternity leave is over, we’re being asked to babysit when both she and her husband are working. Due to their shift patterns, she needs cover at least once a month, but I expect it will average twice or more.

I completely understand that she wants someone she trusts to look after her child, and I know how much he means to her. However, she acts as though she’s doing us a favour by letting us spend time with him because he’s "the most wonderful thing ever" and "it's good practice for you."

Here’s the real kicker. They live over an hour away. By the time we factor in travel, handover, and everything else, it’s likely to take up at least nine hours of our Sunday.

My wife has said I don’t have to come along if I don’t want to, but since she also works shifts, we often only get one full day together on the weekend. I don’t want to spend that limited time apart.

I’m trying to be reasonable, but to be honest, I don’t want to do this even once—let alone have it become a regular thing, which I can already see will be the expectation.

Why don't you do the chores for the 9 hours she is gone one Sunday a month and spend the Saturday together that weekend instead?

this seems like a pretty sensible solution

Tech it’s not babysitting

babysitting is usually when child asleep

this is proper full on childcare

Getting exp for your own newborn - this is not a newborn. They will be on the move - needing to be played with - fed and put to sleep etx

I completely agree with this.

My dh is away for the weekend quite often with his hobby. But, as I am a normal, sociable, intelligent adult, I can manage to occupy myself very happily.

When we had small dc, he cut right back, to share the work, but both before we had dc and now ours are grown, I consider it really healthy to have separate hobbies and for each of us to do things we want to do even where the other doesn't like these things. I would not want to be in a relationship where I couldn't do things I want to do because my partner didn't enjoy the same things but for some reason felt we needed to be together all the time we weren't at work. How odd.

Sorry but it sounds like your wife wants to do this and is planning for it to be once a month. She also doesn’t expect you to go. I really don’t see what the problem is, she’s just helping her sister out and getting to spend time with her nephew. Spending a day apart once a month is no big deal is it.

Thank you all.

We don’t do much in the evenings after work because she has a demanding job and is often too exhausted to even talk.

So, yes, maybe it’s selfish to want a family day on the weekend but without that, what would we be?

It’s not going to be just once a month. I’d guess it’ll average every other week. She doesn’t think that will be the case and believes it’s a one off, but as things stand, they don’t have a sitter for when they both work weekends.

Honestly, it would never occur to me to have children without a plan in place. I certainly wouldn’t want to rely on others.

Also take care of the chores while she’s working on Saturdays. I could do the chores Sunday but it’s not going to really help.

Sorry to add, she want's me to go with her.

I would not want that level of commitment to another, even family child, while I was working all week full time myself. If you are trying for a baby, the time before that baby hopefully arrives is very precious couple time indeed. Time that most couples look back to with a mix of nostalgia and longing when they are in the midst of babyhood childcare themselves. This time will never come back for you. Relaxed Saturday nights out followed by late sleep in Sunday mornings. Strolling out for coffee and cake or a leisurely Sunday lunch with no responsibilities. If you work all week yourselves then give up your Sundays you are doing almost as much weekend child care as parents who work and have their children in nursery during the week. You are right when you say that many parents find the weekend child are as hard/harder than the working week. They. Had their tour of having it easy like Sunday morning's as the advert used to say before they had their own child. Its yours and your wife's turn now and I guess that when you are child cares of your own child that they, deep in the child care trenches themselves won't be that willing to drive to yours, pick up an extra baby and leave you free to work at the weekend. 😄

I think your wife should do the once a month if she wishes (you can either say yes/no) if the in-laws start to ask for more than once a month they should be using their A/L … it is unreasonable to ‘expect’ this amount of commitment when you are both F/T workers
Once your wife falls pregnant it will be so tiring for her to drive all that way to look after a toddler and drive all the way back home so think she then needs to say to DS she won’t be able to do it forever… make her boundaries clear at the start

@sundaysitter I assure you that the baby will not be asleep most of the time.
No way.
As they get older, they have fewer naps, and need constant supervision when they're awake.

I have a feeling your wife thinks this is going to be easy. She's in for a shock.

It’s your choice !
Just as it’s hers to chose to go.

I have a 16 month old. I love taking my baby to other people's houses, then they can destroy other people's houses rather than my own!

Honestly if you're looking after the baby you want it in the sisters babyproofed house. We spend a lot of weekends in libraries etc just to stop the devastation 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Re: your update you can put all the plans you want in place for childcare and it can still fall through! You may have no other choice but to rely on others. So much about having children does not go the way you expect. I was a really chill parent when my child was hypothetical definitely less so now! I think it's nice to help out family if you can but its very hard when during your limited time together. Are there no other siblings/ grandparents to help out aswell.

The grandparents help out a lot during the week as their child does not go to nursery.

that's makes me think this will be more than the odd weekend here and there. why don't they use paid childcare? what is there reasoning ?what happens when one grandparent gets sick? has a hopital appointment etc wants to go away for a little holiday ? then i ask you to think of the same questions. what happens if your invited to a wedding the weekend your suppose to babbaysit ? what if your wife or you get sick?would be pushing back on this. your wife has to build a back bone here. your time together is precious you see countless posts on this page about family and childcare main jist is you should pay for it

Fairly crucial information to drip in at this stage.

So basically they have not sorted out any childcare for their child and are relying entirely on family to do unpaid labour for them?

Apologies for drip feeding. This is new to me and I have a lot to learn.

The grandparents cannot look after their child at the weekend, not because they don't want to but because they have part time jobs and other commitments which cannot be changed.

Yes when you say it like that it does seem to be the case.

They sound like horrific over entitled idiots tbh.

I think the comments about 'they need to just get paid childcare' are a bit strange. Normal paid childcare is not available at the weekends. Any other option eg weekend nanny or similar would be an astronomical cost and not in reach of most normal workers. That does not mean that OP should take care of the child or feel guilty but it isn't easy or even possible to find childcare that fit the working hours of some jobs
So parents need to find another solution eg adjust their hours so one of them is off on Sundays or find paid childcare during week and see if grandparents can help at weekend instead.
It just annoys me when people airily say 'find paid childcare' on a Sunday as if it was that easy...

Ah ok then if you and your wife do help out be really clear about what you are prepared to do. Two Sundays a month is quite a lot and an 8 month old is hard work. I do childcare for my brother but on days that suit me and he knows that there will be some weeks that I can't do. It works well because we set down boundaries.

The thing is, it transpires that they aren't getting paid childcare during the week either. They're just sponging off family the whole time.

What jobs do the parents have, out of interest? Do they do weekend shift work because they're both saving lives, or because they work in retail?

The reason I ask is that if they're both doctors or nurses or police officers then I agree that they're in a difficult situation. But if they're working in a shop or something similar, the answer is that one of them needs to get a different job.

One works in a factory, and the other in retail. I’m not sure if they don’t want to put their child into nursery or if they simply can’t afford to.

So they have no childcare costs at all

yes then they need to pay for care at weekends if you /wide can’t /don’t do it

I get childcare is costly and many do work at a loss but keep going for career

as they have no costs at all they need think about costs going forward when wife can’t care

Definitely reframe this as ‘providing childcare’ and not babysitting.

The two are very different.

babysitting - I’d be happy to do.
childcare - I’d have to really think about committing to this - and probably would not want to agree to a regular schedule,