Expecting to babysit at the weekend

[sundaysitter]

My wife and I don’t have children yet—fingers crossed, hopefully soon! Her sister recently had a baby, and now that her maternity leave is over, we’re being asked to babysit when both she and her husband are working. Due to their shift patterns, she needs cover at least once a month, but I expect it will average twice or more.

I completely understand that she wants someone she trusts to look after her child, and I know how much he means to her. However, she acts as though she’s doing us a favour by letting us spend time with him because he’s "the most wonderful thing ever" and "it's good practice for you."

Here’s the real kicker. They live over an hour away. By the time we factor in travel, handover, and everything else, it’s likely to take up at least nine hours of our Sunday.

My wife has said I don’t have to come along if I don’t want to, but since she also works shifts, we often only get one full day together on the weekend. I don’t want to spend that limited time apart.

I’m trying to be reasonable, but to be honest, I don’t want to do this even once—let alone have it become a regular thing, which I can already see will be the expectation.

What?? It’s absolutely a bloody chore! I wouldn’t expect someone to look after my children every weekend and then suggest that if they don’t want to, they aren’t up for being a parent themselves 😂

I have to admit it wouldn't surprise me at all if posters said the OP had to pay for them to have a nanny

Once a month maybe. Not every other weekend

they can do what others do

pay for childcare

many nannies about on a Sunday wanting extra cash

or they drop off to you so in own home

Your issue it with your wife really, not the SIL.

You need to explain to her that you don't want lose your only day together. It's then her choice what she does and your choice about where you go from there.

FWIW If I were considering starting a family and I didn't have any hands on baby experience I would consider it a good opportunity to get some. I'd also want to see how my partner dealt with it/my partner showing some willing to get some practise in too.

Nothing to do with OP being a man and 100% to do with him not being the one asked to do it.

the sister hasn’t pushed for anything, she has ASKED if it can be done, and the wife seems to want to do it?

So in what way does he think he has a right to stop her?

if the sexes were reversed I’d say the same thing.

"My point is of course, she thinks her baby is the most wonderful thing in the world, but she doesn’t seem to realise that others might not feel the same. That is why the thinks she is doing us a favour."

That's the bit that's sticking in your craw, isn't it? Them not being grateful for the favour you are doing them? Because it is a favour and a bloody big one!

How does your wife's sister normally treat her? As an equal, or as an underling?

I think this level of help would be considered quite normal in a lot of famlies. Mine wouldn't, but others would. But it's perfectly reasonabel for you not to be that keen. The issue is that your wife clearly does want to help her sister, or feels obligated to.

I think you need to talk to your wife.

And the "you should be grateful to spend time with our glorious baby thing" is classic PFBitis. Don't let it bother you. I remember reading on here a woman who said that she looked back with sheer embarassment at the time she told her DH that she felt so sorry for the nursery staff having to say goodbye to their little darling every night and she wondered if they ever cried that they couldn't spend more time with him. It was the funniest thing I'd ever read!

Just say no? This is really a ridiculous request from them. There is no way I’d be doing this.

Thank you all, your input has been truly helpful.

I spoke to my wife about it in a bit more detail. She explained that she’s trying to please everyone and assured me it won’t be every weekend.

Right now, I don’t feel very reassured.

Uh oh.

Why does she feel the need to please everyone?

It's actually quite simple.

Does she actually want to do regular unpaid childcare?

If not, she doesn't have to do it. It doesn't matter whether that pleases her sister or not. If they are struggling to find weekend childcare then one of them needs to get a job that doesn't involve working at the weekends.

Your problem is your wife prioritising her sisters wants over your relationship. Take it up with her. I wouldn’t want to do this either.

Is she planning to still please everyone after she's had the baby?

Hope she learns to do what SHE wants, and quickly.

There’s no way we could keep doing this once we have a baby of our own, surely. They live over 50 miles away, and their baby is only eight months old.

If you are doing someone a favour then it’s them that do the running about. When I’ve watched nieces and nephews hey have been dropped off and picked up from our house,

why should you be out of pocket for petrol money when it’s you that’s helping them out. I’d limit it to once a month, you still need to have time together without babysitting others children.

I think you need to step back.. and you need to read between the lines.. when she says she is "trying to please everyone" it means YOU are the one putting her in a difficult position as she wants to do this and it will please her sister, but she knows her doing this is not pleasing you, so she is stuck trying to please her and trying to please you, which is an impossible task, you are being unreasonable to make her feel guilty over something she WANTS to do, once a month.

She shouldn't be having to 'reassure you' FFS, No one should make their spouse feel guilty for wanting to spend time with their family, even if that does involve babysitting. YOU have decided it is unreasonable of them to ask, but your wife obviously doesn't and wants to help them out otherwise she could just say no couldn't she?

So step back and happily wave her off once a month to do this as it is what SHE wants, and stop making her feel guilty over it (it's not even started yet and already you keep on about it), if it is too much of a commitment for her, or they start asking for more days and you feel like you are missing out on family time (absolutely no proof of that yet), then that is the time to have a chat with your wife and let her know your point of view, but ultimately it is up to her and you need to respect that.

You're supposed to be her biggest cheerleader, so start acting like it.

Your wife will soon get sick of it, trust me.

People without children have no idea how much hard work they are, and how you can't do anything much else when you're looking after a baby.

Wait till he starts crawling. She'll back off. At the moment she thinks he's just a cute baby who will sleep most of the time.

🤣🤣🤣

People without children have no idea how much hard work they are, and how you can't do anything much else when you're looking after a baby.

That reminds me of the time I was asked to do a shift, caring for a disabled man who was a wheelchair user. I told them I couldn't, because my niece had been taken to hospital and I was looking after her nine month old baby.

"Bring him with you", they said. The wife of the disabled man had no children, and really thought that I'd be able to look after her husband (a full-time job) with a nine month old baby as well (also a full time job) - not to mention that their house wasn't set up for babies.

OP I guarantee your wife will soon get sick of this. Especially when she starts to disagree with the way her sister parents the baby.

She sees her family around three times a month, so I’m certainly not keeping her from them.

Yes, she genuinely believes it will be a joy,she even told me it’ll be a piece of cake because he’s a good boy, sleeps most of the time, and never cries.

I’m not so sure, as I distinctly remember EVERYONE with children saying that looking after a baby is harder than working.

Yes, she genuinely believes it will be a joy

Well that really is that then isn't it, why are you being so negative about an experience that she hasn't even done yet? Just because you think it will be hard, let her get on with it and stop making her feel guilty about it.

a baby can be more difficult than working in some ways, and they can also be easier in other ways, as they sleep a lot, the two things aren't really comparable to be fair, all babies are different, some are easy going, some are more challenging but that comparison only really applies when the baby is yours.

When they are not yours and you don't have the extra worry and responsibility and sleepless nights, tiredness and hormones, relationship stress and worry that you are 'parenting' correctly, and everything else that goes along with it, it means she can just turn up, spend some quality time with her nephew then go home again. If she doesn't enjoy it she can decline to do it any more or just limit it to whatever she feels comfortable with, she isn't adopting him.

I used to babysit my nephew before I had kids, I did it off and on for years, normally over the school holidays to cover childcare etc, I absolutely loved it, no responsibility other than in the moment, no worries, no real parenting, just the best bits that come with having children, my sister does that now with mine, being an auntie/uncle/grandparent can be such a rewarding experience as you get all the best parts with none of the hard stuff.

Stop micro managing her.

You and your wife aren't joined at the hip are you? Let her go off and babysit her nephew and you have a nice day seeing friends or doing hobbies. It isn't every week.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to spend your ONE day off together though?
Nor is it unreasonable to expect a discussion before agreeing to a commitment that will take you away every other weekend. Regardiess of the commitment

If it had happened when the OP is working, then yes fair enough.

I share some previously raised concerns about whether the op is ready to become a parent himself. Not because he's reluctant to do the babysitting, but because he seems to think it's incredulous and unreasonable to look after a child after working all week. Yes, it's different when it's your own, but I'm not sure he appreciates that that will be his norm. Also the getting up early in the morning, disrupted evenings, broken nights oh whilst still working, oh and the household chores pretty much quadruple. He also thinks they wouldn't want to reciprocate despite the idea of looking after a baby after a long week not filling him with joy.

I'm just not getting good vibes here about him being as involved as he should if he becomes a dad.

That's not babysitting, that's childcare. Just say no if it doesn't suit. Would they still expect you to do it if they have more kids and if you have kids?

I'm just not getting good vibes here about him being as involved as he should if he becomes a dad.

Why? Because he doesn’t want to be bogged down by a commitment he hasn’t agreed with? One that, as it looks, is going to be long term?
Because he is going into becoming a parent with his eyes wide opened?

Sorry but before being a mother, the idea of looking after someone else child for the whole day, every other weekend would have seen me running. No way I’d ever done that.
It didn’t make me a crap parent.

Agreed. I've raised 3 kids but wouldn't want to commit so much time to babysitting others kids Bit late for it to mean I'm not ready to be a parent