Expecting to babysit at the weekend

[sundaysitter]

My wife and I don’t have children yet—fingers crossed, hopefully soon! Her sister recently had a baby, and now that her maternity leave is over, we’re being asked to babysit when both she and her husband are working. Due to their shift patterns, she needs cover at least once a month, but I expect it will average twice or more.

I completely understand that she wants someone she trusts to look after her child, and I know how much he means to her. However, she acts as though she’s doing us a favour by letting us spend time with him because he’s "the most wonderful thing ever" and "it's good practice for you."

Here’s the real kicker. They live over an hour away. By the time we factor in travel, handover, and everything else, it’s likely to take up at least nine hours of our Sunday.

My wife has said I don’t have to come along if I don’t want to, but since she also works shifts, we often only get one full day together on the weekend. I don’t want to spend that limited time apart.

I’m trying to be reasonable, but to be honest, I don’t want to do this even once—let alone have it become a regular thing, which I can already see will be the expectation.

Surely it's up to your wife to decide and you can either join her or not. It sounds like something your wife wants to do. Of course if you have your own children she probably won't want to continue especially with the travelling

It sounds like your wife is happy to do it and go alone. She's said you don't have to but you also don't want to spend a day away from your wife. Unfortunately it would be pretty controlling of you to tell her she can't. If it's only once a month maybe you can go sometimes but not all the time l.

Fwiw I wouldn't want to do it either but if my husband did I'd let him crack on.

If your wife is happy with the plan ( and it sounds like she is), then I don't see a problem. But I'd find spending every Sunday with the same person, every single week a bit restrictive anyway.

I don't think she necessarily is. The OP is putting pressure on his wife not to do something that she seems to want to do.
He doesn't need to be involved and it's not every Sunday. They don't need to spend every Sunday together to have a good relationship.
I don't see it any different to her wanting to take an art class or play golf or something similar one Sunday a month. Would you still then say he has a right to complain about it?

Start spending the day with your own family, OP. Be really involved in their lives. Talk about you both babysiting for members of your family.
MN posters are by and large reluctant to allow their partners, husbands to do any favours for his family. Hence the poster complaining about her husband giving up one day occasionally to help his widowed mother. Most posters agreed in principle that they had prior right to their husband's time rather than him doing jobs for someone else.
This is a thread to make reference to when someone's husband wants to make a monthly commitment to a member of his own family.

Oh and @sundaysitter Do keep looking at the AIBU votes.

92% of nearly 500 posters think you are not being unreasonable.

I would have no problem with a husband spending one day a month (or more ) to help his family and I don't know anyone in real life who would either.
I know men and women who have hobbies that take them away from their partner's for a day a week to me that seems normal and very healthy

Yes, she genuinely believes it will be a joy,she even told me it’ll be a piece of cake because he’s a good boy, sleeps most of the time, and never cries.

8 month olds do not sleep most of the time

MN posters are by and large reluctant to allow their partners, husbands to do any favours for his family.

I think you'll find circumstances different in the sort of posts you're describing, and it normally depends on if they have children or not, and what their current childcare routine is, We've got a child and we share responsibility equally so I wouldn't have any problem with my husband sacrificing some of our time together to help his family and he wouldn't have a problem if I wanted to do it either. If there was a problem neither would 'put their foot down', that's for certain!

A man who works all week and get back just in time to put the kids to bed, who's wife does the bulk of the domestic chores and childcare is going to have a harder time justifying why he should be away from his kids one day at the weekend. It would be selfish in those circumstances to volunteer to look after someone else's kids when you are leaving your wife at home to look after your kids, and you haven't seen them all week, priorities have to come into it. And if the sexes were reversed my opinion would be the same, but a wife would most likely take the children with her to babysit, so different again.

Can you not understand that examples of people with kids are completely different to the OPs posts where the don't have any children so have lots of time together just them during the week?

@sundaysitter its supposed to be once a month so you arrange somethings for the other three weeks. are there no grandparents around or other bros or sis?? your wife is not keeping you happy doing this nearly every week.

Ugh you remind me of my ex husband... I could never agree to help family out, even when I wanted to, as he moan and be miserable, tell me everyone is taking the piss (they weren't). I came to hate being around him, and his argument of it disrupting our 'precious time' together just pissed me off more. I'd see my family every week or two, and he'd insist on coming along, just to be miserable and ruin my time. Every time we saw them he'd want to know exactly when we'd be leaving, I was never able to just enjoy seeing people...oh and if I wanted to see friends, well now how awfully selfish of me to not be spending my free time with him 100%... He was controlling, micro managed me, was selfish and narcissistic.

My husband now is so family focused, we help out of we can and we enjoy spending time with both our families - everyone helps each other out so it's reciprocal, and life doesn't have a nasty black cloud of doom held over me by someone else.

Her sister and husband went ahead and had children knowing that they work occasional weekends. It is therefore up to them to source childcare and not assume family will do it.

Agree with this

Rememver OP if you do decide to have children you will have lots of free childcare to call in.
Keep a tally of those days

I don't think 1 day a Month is too bad. They need to drop the baby to you though. Insist on it. Its annoying that the sis is acting like she is doing you a favour

It's a big ask from the in-laws and I'd not fancy it either but if your wife wants to do it (for now) then that's up to her. If you fancy going with her then you can.

So possible two Sunday's a month ?
No
Could you offer one ?
BUT If you dont want to do it just say No

Maybe agree with your wife to do one a month and it’s up to her if she does more? If she does you can use the time to see friends or family or do a hobby? I agree though it’s a big ask

I agree in that I don't he should have to do the babysitting, and again, yes it's different with your own.

But there's a big difference between (a) I want us to spend it weekends together without kids now because I know those days are numbered and I don't want to spend then looking after someone else's kids (b) I work and do chores and the idea of having to look after a child on my only free day isn't fun. Oh, I want to have a kid soon...

Or may be that in saying (b) he also means (a), I'm just not getting that feeling. Lots of men seem to not fully realise how much children will impact their lives and some of them just leave it all to mum so they can still have their free time, if even worse, feel jealous of the baby. I'm just getting those vibes personally.

To be honest this is my worry about it too.. I luckily don't have an exH like this but my ExBIL certainly was.. he would make my sister feel guilty for spending any time away from the home, she'd take the kids with her to our mums for a couple of hours on a sunday, but he'd be ringing her after half an hour asking her when she would be home, and pretending he was planning something for her and the kids, but she missed it because she wasn't there.. she often came off the phone crying, it used to absolutely boil my piss.

If she decided to stay home instead of getting aggro off him for going out, he would be off with her all day and usually start an argument to create an atmosphere, she honestly couldn't win, she was a nervous wreck most the time.

He was an utter, utter prick and I was so glad she decided to fuck him off in the end, 18 long years wasted and she absolutely hated his guts in the end.

Any husband or wife who says he doesn't ever want their spouse to prioritise anyone or anything else above him (or their time together) gives off massive red flags, they may not be an all out psycho but it's not healthy to see your spouse as something that you can control.

Apologies my comment below was in response to @Tiswa If this were a woman expressing a very valid view about babysitting her husbands nephew, you would never have made that comment

Sounds so similar to what o went through, even the arguments at home to create an atmosphere, or using the kids against me if we went out as a family... It was awful and sadly I spent 15 years in that situation (15 years to long), and agree seeing someone expect to be the priority like that gives me massive warning flags.

My husband now will wave me off with a hug and a kiss and a 'have an amazing time' while I go oversea to see a friend who lives the other side of the world, and of course he misses me but he wants me to enjoy life, have a good time and tell him about it when I'm back

Disagree totally - vast difference between having kids and being forced to look after other peoples children
OP - Sounds like sis is a CF here, myself and my husband are like you , no children, often have babysat for nieces and nephews, however its one off occasions like a wedding or something. We are asked well in advance if we can do it and we plan our work and lives around that then on that weekend. We have busy jobs as well as animals to look after at home, i look forward to immensely my weekends and what you are being asked would encroach immensely on my life. When you have children, paying for childcare has to be part and parcel for it. When you SIL and BIL are working and there is no one to mind the kids then they need to sort proper childcare and pay for it. I would nip this in the bud straight away and do not be allowed to be guilt tripped into either. You are available for emergencies and the odd babysitting night not regular childcare

I'm torn on this as I am in a similar situation. I help my brother with childcare fairly regularly and my husband would like it to be less often. I love helping with my nephews but it is very hard work. Could you maybe commit to once a month and is there any other family who could help for other days?

and who is babysitting on the Sundays your DW is not babysitting?

One would presume the sibling is something like a police office or police staff, who work on a 10 day rota, so they won't need anyone to babysit on the other Sundays in the month as one of them will be at home.

To me you make babycare arrangements while still pregnant so you can plan for your return to work.

So what other "arrangements" do you think they could make ? There aren't Nurseries or Childminders open on a Sunday. They can't go back but ask to never work a Sunday - most shift jobs don't work like that.
Short of giving up their careers, perhaps they didn't realise the OP would be throwing his toys out of the pram over something he hasn't even been asked to do.

Let's be honest here, it's not going to be one or two Sundays a month. It will end up being every Sunday and most Saturdays too

Why on earth would you think that ?
They've worked out their shift pattern and found there will be 2 Sundays a month when both of them have to be at work. That is why it is 2 Sundays a month.