Can no longer be arsed with this person…

[CouchSpud]

A woman in work who is emotionally all over the place, I can never tell what mood she’s going to be in.

I am pretty good at getting on with everyone, I don’t like conflict and will happily say sorry to appease a situation, even if I’m not in the wrong. I’m anything for an easy life.

This woman finds offence so easily and will strop and cry.

I made her cry the other day by making a very socially acceptable joke about what she was doing. She was struggling with opening the staffroom door. I was behind her and just said ‘would you like an adult to help you’ laughing, expecting her to laugh along too. The door can be tricky and everyone struggles with it. I think this is also a well known joke.

She glared at me, said ‘really?!’ then ran off down the corridor crying. I didn’t follow.

I have spoken to others , and they agree with me that her response was ridiculous. But it turned out she’d been having a shit week, she’s apologised to me over email, which I acknowledged. But she’s now upset with me for not apologising back.

If I’m honest, I don’t want to apologise. I can’t be arsed!… I just don’t want to interact with her at all anymore, as this isn’t the 1st time this has happened with me or others. The unpredictability or her moods is not worth the stress.

The unspoken rule where I work, has always been, you only joke with colleagues that you respect and know well. We’re a relatively small staff, and the banter in the staffroom can be brutal - but only aimed at the ones who can take it. If you’re getting made fun of it’s because you’re well liked and everyone knows you can take it.

Someone of a gentle disposition, someone you don’t like much, or don’t know well, gets included in the conversation, but nothing is aimed at them. They get pleasantries and polite chitchat.

Your joke was tame, but its not not funny when aimed at someone who clearly didn’t get it, and you obviously don’t know well enough to know she’s having a difficult week.

@HazelBite OP doesn't go out of her way to upset her colleagues, who does?

Well some people do, yes. They are often bullies, ocasionally just people with an agenda, but mostly bullies. You do know bullies exist. You surely know that some of them are in the workplace, even if you've been lucky enough to not experience them there.
We don't know OP and we only know her colleague from OP's perspective. I don't think your logic works.

In that case you are a schnozcumber

I can't imagine anyone I've ever worked with making that rather uppity 'joke'.

'D'you need a hand with that love?' would be acceptable though.

Your "joke" was mean and not funny. Trying to make someone feel small or stupid isn't funny. How do you know what she's going through? When you're having a horrible day, a snarky "joke" can really make you feel awful. How about you don't make jokes at people's expense in future?

She ran off down the corridor crying?

Well that sounds made up or (hopefully) hyperbole. If she literally ran off crying - presumably in a public space in what sounds like it might be school - I would have serious concerns about her wellbeing.

You seem to have retold the story and found it's not unusal behaviour. (Though I'm surmising seeing you've also posted it on MN, that wasn't done out of concern) Has anyone senior address that?

As for the "well known joke" it'd depend on who said it. If it was the patronising usually unpleasant person from work, it would be less well received than if it was the standard colleague.

Agreed. As everyone struggles with said door the “joke” isn’t even funny. You were just being rude.
We have rude people at work and also over sensitive types. I ignore both although the professionally upset are more grating.

If she’s that emotional and is offended you haven’t apologised, I doubt professional and brief is going to work without triggering more drama tbh.

Is it really such a big deal? You don’t need to grovel, just say “ah, sorry, I had not realised it was a bad week for you.”

Then skip the jokes with her going forward to spare yourself a repeat.

I agree with this completely.

Not everyone likes "banter". I wouldn't like that joke but wouldn't go crying. She is obviously going through something. Just apologise and avoid her going forward.

The banterish joke is, would you like a grown up to help you with that? To which the response is, yes, do you know any.

It's a subtle difference but I do think there is one.

Your version didn't sound like banter and I'm willing to bet the tone you used didn't either.

If you were not being intentionally unpleasant towards her, your opening post made a good job of sounding as if you were.

At first I was with you, but your responses show that you do in fact always think you’re right and clearly aren’t as laid back as you’re telling us.

I also wouldn’t find the joke funny. I would probably laugh along, knowing it was intended as a joke, but in my head I’d be thinking it was a twattish thing to say and just not funny or witty.

But obviously our opinions don’t matter to you, YOU find it funny and therefore it must be funny and we must be too serious to get it, yeah?

If that’s your attitude, I wonder if she’s just fed up of working with people who take the piss and have no awareness that it’s too much and she doesn’t like it.

Yes! 🙈

@CouchSpud I would have laughed if you’d said that to me however I grew up with 5 siblings and being teased was a daily occurrence.

I would be interested to know the general age group of the pp’s who find the remark offensive or not funny.

I was raised in the 60’s and 70’s with Benny Hill and Carry On films. There was a lot of sexism and I’m pleased that’s stopped.
I think the humour was more sarcastic though and perhaps that’s what many younger pp’s can’t handle. British sarcasm is brilliant imo.

OP, it’s hard to hear but sometimes responses like this can make you realise how you could come across to other people. Your description of yourself in your OP might not be quite how you are to other people.

I say this because I’ve had comments in the past where I’ve realised I’m coming across differently to what I mean.

Did you only read the 1st 4 words?… Do you know what if means?

Yep. Thank you

Yeah your comment would have irked me (depending on the time of day) but I would have shot back with: "Yes, do you know where I can find one love?"
You can't win with this type of person and I would be at pains to avoid.

Unprofessional

I’ve never heard that joke before in my life but ordinarily If I knew you well I would probably laugh and jokingly retort ‘piss off! 🤣’ but if I’d had a bad day/week, I’d find it inappropriate and use a much sterner tone.

I don’t think it’s just her with the problem here, OP. She might well be a drama llama but, from your post, you seem to be a bit socially awkward and lack self awareness. You take no responsibility for upsetting someone else, and you have even shown contempt on this thread to a poster daring to point out you were wrong - with your ‘Fuck sake 🙄’ reply.

How well do you know this woman? If you know her well and she is a bit sensitive usually, then you should know not to make that joke to her. Equally, if you don’t know her very well or what she has been through that day/week, you shouldn’t really make such a joke which could be taken badly. It’s about knowing your audience. If the person you make the joke to is your best mate and you have a similar humour, then fine. Otherwise you have to take some responsibility and apologise.

I think what you said was funny! She sounds like she has issues.

You clearly come from the condescending/insulting side of comedy, and when you recognise someone has a need (like being emotionally sensitive) don’t feel you need to give a s**t. That’s your choice.
This lady recognised a potential over-reaction and did the mature thing of apologising, but you don’t feel the need to step up too. That’s your choice.
You are now complaining about anyone who doesn’t agree with you here, being as sensitive to disagreement as the lady was to condescension. That’s after you having gone around seeking validation from colleagues.
It sounds like your workplace is a bit toxic and your colleague is finding it difficult to tolerate. Maybe you’d like an adult to help you understand this 😉
(the winky face denotes a joke, so you have to laugh and if you don’t you are over emotional with no sense of humour)

If you don't work in a school or similar then your joke is unfunny and patronising.She however needs to get a grip with the running off and crying about it.You are both Unreasonable.

But you have just taken offence because people have said that your joke was patronising and not funny.

"Maybe you'd like an adult to help you with that ?"
Is actually a good name for an unwritten Edinburgh Comedy show. Could contain literally any material.