Can no longer be arsed with this person…

[CouchSpud]

A woman in work who is emotionally all over the place, I can never tell what mood she’s going to be in.

I am pretty good at getting on with everyone, I don’t like conflict and will happily say sorry to appease a situation, even if I’m not in the wrong. I’m anything for an easy life.

This woman finds offence so easily and will strop and cry.

I made her cry the other day by making a very socially acceptable joke about what she was doing. She was struggling with opening the staffroom door. I was behind her and just said ‘would you like an adult to help you’ laughing, expecting her to laugh along too. The door can be tricky and everyone struggles with it. I think this is also a well known joke.

She glared at me, said ‘really?!’ then ran off down the corridor crying. I didn’t follow.

I have spoken to others , and they agree with me that her response was ridiculous. But it turned out she’d been having a shit week, she’s apologised to me over email, which I acknowledged. But she’s now upset with me for not apologising back.

If I’m honest, I don’t want to apologise. I can’t be arsed!… I just don’t want to interact with her at all anymore, as this isn’t the 1st time this has happened with me or others. The unpredictability or her moods is not worth the stress.

That’s not a joke it’s a dig.

I’ve tried that and nothing works with her. I stopped asking her any questions about how she is/how her week’s been because every week is the worst week of her life. She has a bad habit of tapping your arm when your eyes wander and she’s not getting enough attention. She used to complain about her husband never listening to her before they broke up.

Sorry, I’m not trying to hijack the OPs post. I just think the only way to deal with certain people is to avoid them as they’ll never change.

I would have taken it as silly chit chat…maybe not laugh out loud funny but I would
know you meant it in the spirit of humor. I have 3 of these people in my workplace…from zero to 3 in 6 short months. I only say Goodmorning. I don’t touch anything remotely near them or even walk behind their desk area because that is immediate trigger
for them. Everything is open to comment by them and any response by me is potentially upsetting to them. It has really changed the work environment for me. The tears are water based manipulation just like jumping out of your chair if someone has the audacity to walk in the public space behind your seat. It’s all manipulation of the work environment and others working in it. Grey rock her when you can and hopefully that’s most of the time

It’s a crap quip and if I don’t find it funny I’m certainly not going to laugh to make the other person feel better. So the atmosphere would probably be a bit awkward. I wouldn’t cry though!

It's not a 'known' joke to me either. I wouldn't find it particularly funny, maybe coming from someone you are close to but from an acquaintance it would feel a bit odd and patronising.
But running away crying suggests she was pretty on the edge anyway.
Have you any idea what is going on in her life? As that kind of reaction either implies someone who is batshit, or more likely someone who is under huge stress elsewhere in their life and is likely to breakdown at the smallest thing, have you never been so on the edge that even dropping your pen feels like a crisis?

I have ataxic cerebral palsy and I quite often get people who don't know about it making jokes like this one. I certainly wouldn't burst into tears over it, but on roughly the 1,407,911th time of hearing it, I wouldn't find it hilarious either. My main reaction at this point is boredom. People with disabilities tend to get babied and patronised quite a lot as it is, which makes it harder to appreciate the humour.

It sounds like she overreacted, but on the other hand you don't know what's going on in her life. If you don't get on, the simplest thing would just be to avoid her.

"Would you like an adult to help you"

That's a shit joke and quite insulting.

I wouldn't cry but who knows why she cried. Maybe she was having a bad day. Maybe she'd been subjected to far too many shit "jokes". You can't control others' behaviours, you can only control yours.

If someone I was friendly with made this joke with me I’d be fine (though it’s hardly PMSL territory). If someone I knew disliked me made this joke, I’d assume they were deliberately being a twat. I’d imagine it’s pretty obvious you don’t like her.

Most people wouldn’t run off crying if this happened, sure.

But you shouldn’t make jokes about someone being a bit shit when (a) you really do think they are a bit shit and (b) you know they’re the type to cry at the drop of a hat.

You brought this on yourself, I’m afraid. With people like this - and with anyone you don’t like at work - you need to keep communication strictly professional, very clear, and utterly neutral if you want an easy life.

Otherwise you are just feeding the drama.

Be very careful is my advice, you may find yourself facing a grievance. I wish I was kidding.

I don’t find it funny. I wouldn’t cry, but I would think you were annoying. Impossible to judge unless you hear the other side of the story I think, as you sound a bit like those “cheer up love”- types.

She’s clearly got stuff going on that’s making her hypersensitive. Could be any of a number of things (mental health, relationship issues, dying relative/friend, menopause). It’s nothing to do with you, but sometimes at work, you just need to swallow your pride and smooth things over for your own sake in the long term. It’s not going to help you if you’re seen as insensitive.

“Dear Colleague,
I’m sorry I upset you. It certainly wasn’t my intention. I was trying to make a joke, but obviously it fell flat.
Best regards,
CouchSpud”

Job done.

Then stop making jokes in her presence.

I find people like this utterly draining. You’re there to work, not be her counsellor. This behaviour distracts from tasks and usually requires someone to go into “comforting mother mode” to put a stop to it. When she is weeping in the loos, who is picking up the slack? I think you should speak to HR about her frequent tear sessions and their affect on morale. Often it’s attention-seeking or a professional victim covering for lack of competence. (If a frequent occurrence like you said - it’s not professional behaviour) Also, why should it be everyone’s responsibility to tiptoe around one person’s feelings in a workplace? It’s a weird power ploy and I wouldn’t even entertain apologizing. I would state that you were trying to bring brevity to the situation as she is constantly in tears.

I don’t think it came across that way. If it was well-known that every time it got stuck, somebody said those words - maybe. But it sounds sneery and condescending and she wouldn’t necessarily have presumed it wasn’t personal or that you’d have said it to anyone.

It’s like a taller person saying something like that when someone can’t reach inside a cupboard or on a shelf.

She sounds overly sensitive but the joke sounded a bit mean, like you were annoyed she was holding you up or laughing at her struggling with it. I’d be annoyed to feel forced into apologising too when I didn’t intend to give offence, and probably dig my heels in, but I can see why she was offended, even if you didn’t mean it that way. She took it personally, assuming you were implying she was incompetent or had additional needs or something probably and were laughing at her.

You can apologise without admitting you were to blame by saying something like you’re sorry she was offended, and add what you said about not really believing an adult needed help from another adult etc. She should be satisfied with that. If she isn’t, never bother with her again and you can inform others you tried and they’ll probably agree she’s a bit of a nob.

So, your intent was only to lightly joke around with her. Got it.

However, I don't think you're 100% in the right here because what you said could be taken two different ways. One, is the way you meant it, treating her like a work pal. But it could also be taken as you giving her some crap under the guise of "just kidding."

She took it the second way. And that's not a completely unfounded reaction since your joke DID in fact make her the "fool."

I feel like it's always safer to make YOURSELF the "fool " of your jokes, not the other person, when a "joke fool" is involved. That's especially true if you know they're touchy, flaky or whatever we'd call it. OR if you don't know them very well.

In other words, I think that since you chose to take that risk, it's on you if it doesn't go over well.

Therefore, I think you should give her a quick apology. Especially since she has apologized for her overreaction.

Also, this is work so the most important thing is simply to stay out of trouble and not make enemies. If it was an acquaintance in your personal life, that wouldn't be as important.

So, I'd just give her a quick apology. Then move on. Don't try to be playful with her again or even speak to her, outside of what basic courtesy and getting the job done requires. It's wisest to proceed carefully with co-workers who seem unstable, in my opinion. Good luck with it.

This is the answer. Draw a line under it and then just keep things very professional.

So roughly you said something to her that was patronising and laughing at her. Then went to get support from your colleagues to also laugh at her and say how silly she was being.
I wonder how often her "drama" is because her colleagues are making these sort of "jokes" at her expense and then giggling together about her reaction.

Sounds far more like bullying than light banter.

I agree with this one. You’re cutting your nose off to spite your face on this one. And involving others, which if you mean work colleagues, could be perceived as bullying. You know she’s tetchy. A quick sorry if. Note to yourself to treat her with the strictest of professionalism. Job done.

I think if you said that to a friend it might be a funny way to tease them but you can’t really tease someone you don’t like without it coming across as condescending/bullying/patronising. I think given this is a professional relationship, the professional thing would be to apologise and explain you were trying to be funny and missed the mark. Obviously she overreacted though…

I love that farside cartoon...!

That’s the point. The joke is that you can’t do a very simple task, such as open a door. Which is ridiculous as you obviously can, being an adult. Just not in that moment, through no fault of your own.

I don't think you need to explain the joke to anyone commenting here, there's no suggestion that we don't 'get' it. It's just not funny or remotely a good idea to use with someone who you know to be easily offended and upset.

You're as bad as each other but for different reasons.

You just sound rude and like a bully. I don't think she should have apologized to you at all. I think you should have been the one to apologize.

Yeah, agreed.

Op, you find this woman annoying and dramatic and you're beefing about her to other people. It's not very nice.

You have your opinion of her, you don't really need to gather other people's, especially other colleagues. It can easily snowball into bullying. You don't need a bunch of people to agree she's a pain in the arse.

It's OK to think that privately, of course.

I'd just say "sorry it was misplaced humour " and move on.

I'm in my sixties and have worked in South London (where 'banter' is king) most of my adult life. I have never heard of the well known joke 'would you like an adult to help you?'

As jokes go it doesn't sound funny but it does sound goady and patronising.

There are people in this world who hear or percieve a personal dig/slight in any and every interaction or behaviour towards them. It's sometimes got nothing to do with what is going on in their life but just the way they are. DH'S sister is like this.
None of his other siblings are like it and the family just all accept it and try to avoid any interaction with her because it is so very tiresome.
I don't particularly find the OP's remark funny but I wasn't there don't quite get the context, but I'm sure that the OP doesn't go out of her way to upset her colleagues, who does?
It's a vicious circle as this person will be avoided by her workmates who can't be bothered with the drama, then she will feel that she is being persecuted.
My SIL is avoided by all and sundry, it's made her worse, just be grateful OP that she is just a colleague!