Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

[cheshirecat2913]

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

I'm sorry it's so hard for your daughter. Somehow (easier said than done obviously) she needs a different perspective.

In the incredible book A Beginner's Guide to Dying by Simon Boas, he talks about how we always compare up not down:

"A huge mistake we all make - I think it must be hard-wired into us - is to compare ourselves only upwards, Social media probably makes this worse, as we see snapshots of glittering, curated lives in pictures (or read the comical humble-brags on professional platforms like LinkedIn - 'So honoured to be part of the award-winning team which increased the sales of fortified breakfast cereals to non-binary customers in Arkansas'). But 'keeping up with the Joneses' has probably been with us since the Joneses had a nicer cave.

"And all of us do it. I've spent the last few years living in a place where there is enormous wealth, and have seen millionaires made miserable by the fact that someone has a better yacht. And I've seen people max out their credit cards so they can have the latest Range Rover sitting on their driveway.

"Aside from realising that the most important things really are those that money can't buy - a happy family, love, a sense of meaning, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of engagement in something, however small - there is a very easy trick to avoiding this tendency, Compare yourself only downwards."

ADHD and jealousy

thick/naughty - All things my dd was called before her adhd diagnosis - by teachers unfortunately.

now we have the diagnosis a lot has fallen into place and she is starting to thrive.

and she is not a jealous person - she’s actually more of a cheerleader and likes to boost her friends. It’s easy to attribute her negative traits to her adhd but some of it is just being a teenager/her personality.

OP didn't mention that until many posts in, on a thread where a lot of information was given in the first post - but not this quite important medical diagnosis?

I hope OP will get some external help for her daughter and maybe for herself to deal with this.

This is b/s, and I say that as a woman with ADHD. We're also not all 'hyper competitive' where are you getting this idea from?

OP, if you're daughter is AuDHD, it could be she's fixated on the other girl in a way to emulate what she thinks good / cool / etc looks like as she can't figure out how to be like that, but wants to.

If you pursue counselling, try getting someone who's ND affirming and avoid CBT - it doesn't work well for ND people.

Other people existing isn’t ’rubbing their talents in her face’.

There are some deeply, deeply concerning mindsets at play here. From both of you.

I’m not surprised they’re concerned she may harm others in a jealous rage. Her refusal to engage in or ‘care about’ any mental health support is a big red flag here.

I'm inclined to agree. This reminds me a little bit of someone I know. Late 30s now. Never challenged by her parents who validate her feelings. Has just about every privilege possible - own house, stable relationship, part time job WFH, several much loved children. She's still like a teenager and feels perpetually anxious because she's not happy. She ditched the last counsellor her parents paid for, saying she was no good.

That link isn't about adhd and jealousy - there is a passing mention of it at best, alongside mention of numerous other traits.

If you Google adhd and x, where x is virtually any random personality trait or behaviour, you will probably find an article suggesting there is a link. It doesn't necessarily mean that there is one.

Where adhd might be relevant is with regard to regulating emotions. So if someone with adhd does feel jealous, or indeed any other emotion, then they may have a harder time managing that emotion than the average person.

I think that this is a perfectly natural and important phase that teenage girls go through. I certainly remember being worried about everyone else being ‘better’ than me at something.

It’s such an important life lesson though, that you have to count your lucky stars and find joy in the little things to get through life. There will always be somebody ‘better’ but there’s nothing wrong with being happy with being your own good and your own best. You just have to make sure you are getting the most of out your situation.

It doesn’t seem to be popular to say this these days, but life isn’t fair. Accept it and find a way to focus on how well you are doing, rather than what you think others are doing.

Maybe listen to or read the book the ‘Let them Theory’. It’s about dealing with situations you can’t control.

Also, as others have mentioned it’s handy to have the “Don’t peak in high school” line as back up. In 5 years time she’s going to be glad that wasn’t her peak!

And if you don’t like losing the game, find another game to play… this girl is an obsession and it’s not healthy.

Why is there no reference to feelings of envy any more? Always the jump to jealousy?

Is it lack of knowledge that there are two different emotions; one of which is normal/typical in humans - whereas the other one is inherently likely to lead to harm unless checked and resolved?

I'm confused as to why you are shocked , you said this in your first post ...

Hello. My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class

Is she friends with this girl OP? If not, I think if she tries to become true friends with her then this problem will disappear. I remember from my past that girls who were jealous of me for no reason, or me of other girls, or just girls in our class, once we became closer the competition faded and it became more inspiring.

You seem very blasé about this situation considering your daughter is classed as a threat to other people, she is fixated on this particular girl and wants to 'defeat' her.
Can you not see where this is potentially going?
Have you asked your daughter what she would deem defeating someone?
I don't think you are anywhere near enough concerned about this behaviour, you almost seem to agree with your daughter's reasoning.
You need to get to the bottom of this, it maybe that she needs medication/different medication to help her function but you can't just ignore what you are being told.

Please don't do this. By the sound of it, she'd make the perfect frenemy.

If OP’s daughter is letting her hostility to the girl be known (which she seems to be, if the school’s comment is anything to go by) it wouldn’t surprise me if the girl doesn’t want to be friends with her. I’m not sure I’d have wanted to strike up a friendship with someone who behaved like this in the hope they’d suddenly stop perceiving my every success as a personal affront. I think I’d want to keep them at a safe distance, frankly.

TBH when I read your post, I was concerned about her fixation on this girl and being envious of her. She probably would never do anything to pose a risk to others, but I would keep a close eye on her and think of ways to help her. Is she happy at the school at all or have any friends? Do you think it might help to have a fresh start and go to a different school? Or perhaps help her focus on something else that she is good at or may have an interest in like art etc and get her attention of this "perfect" girl. Or explain to your dd that no one is perfect and it may seem like this girl has it all, but everyone has something they are not happy with or working on.

Oops I must have missed the schools comment

This is a difficult read. I am the other girl, though I wasn't good at sport. I have been told all my life that I think I'm better than other people and that I'm a show-off. Perhaps you would say I'm rubbing my talents in other people's faces.

I'm not. I'm just trying to live my life. I am a very kind person and yes, I am talented.

And I was unfairly sacked last year by a woman like your daughter who was jealous of me. I still haven't found another job. This woman destroyed my livelihood even though I was doing a brilliant job because she was jealous.

And it ended in a settlement because what she did was illegal. But that didn't get me my job back. This woman will not be happy. Even if I died, she wouldn't be happy because the problem is not me; it's her insecurity and there will always be someone more talented, "better" than or annoying.

Please get your daughter help to resolve her insecurity because she could end up bitter at the success of others and may be in a position to hurt others with her actions.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves DD says everyone in her class talks about how great this girl is all the time.

@lilylooleelala OP said the school identified her as someone whose jealousy might mean she poses a risk to others. So if I were the other girl I would not be minded to be anything more than civil.

"She always needs somebody to talk to and if they leave her she gets very upset and self harms, "

She is self harming. She needs specialist mental health care ASAP. This is not optional, OP.

Well you've only stated that your DD moving schools is not an option - but not Why so it may be valid or not!

It certainly sounds like this girl is at risk of being harmed by your DDs overwhelming jealousy. You do realise your DD would then be imprisoned and her jealousy is absolutely no defence.

You also sound like you're victim blaming. Pack that in straight away.

Completely missed it. Thanks. Yes I agree with you.

@BMW6 When she took the 11+ this was the only school she managed to get into because she’s a poor test taker and to get into another school requires an entrance exam of course that DD can’t take. She won’t go to a school less competitive than her current one and the tests for the ones above her current school are difficult.

Which I imagine is a significant exaggeration. I very much doubt a whole class is as preoccupied with this girl as your daughter is. Even if they are, the solution is still for your daughter to reframe her thoughts on this. No one is going to change their behaviour to make her feel better, so developing resilience is the only option.