Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

[cheshirecat2913]

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

Rubbing her face in it? Bloody hell OP. We can see where she gets her ideas from now. Do you think anyone who is good at something has to make sure no one knows. Your DD is the problem not this poor girl she's fixating on.

It does seem to be an odd mix of low esteem AND a superiority complex.
I reckon this is not uncommon in bright high /functioning people with asd.

Your dd's attitude is very worrying and I hope the girl she is fixated on is wise to your dd's ways. It's rather stalkerish.

This will need a lot of unpicking in the meantime I truly hope this other beautiful and talented girl will watch her back, your dd's attitude is scary.

Do you think there could be transference at play and your DD is actually kind of in love with this girl?

How is this girl "rubbing her talents in her face" exactly?

You are minimizing your DD’s obsession.

I think you need to see a psychiatrist. Either way, this is more serious than your first post.

Your last update is also a little concerning (the other girl “rubbing her talents in your DD’s face). I hope you are not saying this in front of your DD.

Please seek more help for your DD.

Your daughter is obviously picking up on YOUR attitude towards her unfortunate victim. There’s no real incentive for her to address or modify her behaviour if her own mother fundamentally agrees with her.

the personality you describe sounds concerning and complicated. Can you ask for a psychiatric referral before her "danger to others" becomes more of a threat to this poor girl (and others)

This thread scenario reminds me of that film, "Death of a Cheerleader". This is the synopsis of the real life event:

It's based on the 1984 Bernadette Protti murder case in Orinda, California. She stabbed to death a popular girl in her high school, Kirsten Costas, who refused to be friends with her and had made fun of her. Kellie Martin plays the murderer "Angela", and she alone makes the movie well worth watching.

It's a good film (called '"A Friend to Die For" now) - it's uncomfortable viewing though because you can quite see how things escalate.

Sorry but you have 'mum goggles' on. From what you first posted, your subsequent post has done a 180.

I would get help for your daughter, OP. She sounds angry/confused by her feelings to me and needs someone to talk to. Mums aren't always the best people for that; too close.

Just watched the trailer. I struggle to visualise Tori Spelling as the most popular girl in high school but interesting to see Kellie Martin play a different character to her usual Christie roles at that time.

I thought of this straight away. I actually typed out a post referencing Kirsten Costas in response to the OP saying her daughter being of concern to other people was 'silly' but deleted it (and instead said its been known to happen).

Since then, we've had OP talking about people rubbing their talents in her daughter's face! Sounds exactly like the kind of thing Bernadette Protti would have cited in her defence.

How exactly is this other girl "rubbing her talents in your dd's face"?

Scarlett Jenkinson admitted she was obsessed with Brianna ghey, she was clearly troubled and didn’t get the support she needed. Op help your dd open up, she herself for what she really is and what she can achieve in life. She sounds autistic to be honest

She did a good job actually. I'm not a Tori Spelling fan but in this film, she portrayed a girl endowed with massive privilege and easy living - who had the ability to influence others' behaviour towards classmates.

... and I cringed for the character of Kellie Martin doing anything to ingratiate herself. I so wanted to tell her that none of this matters, not really.

As I said, not easy viewing but a cautionary tale.

ADHD and feelings of jealousy often go hand in hand.
I know a few women with ADHD and they all struggle with jealousy.

At the risk of hammering home what other people are saying, your perception that this girl is rubbing her talents in your daughter’s face is concerning, unless of course you have evidence that this is actually what’s happening? Don’t get me wrong, no one likes a boaster, but the world isn’t going to hide its light under a bushel to keep your daughter from feeling inadequate, either. Nor should it.

Out of interest, why do you think this is? Is it obsessive thinking a kind of hyper focus?

I wish posters would bloody stop labelling with ADHD and autism, it's really annoying. What did we do before we had this behaviour to deal with but no labels?

People had to be accountable for their actions.

I think you are wrong not to take this statement seriously. It's not "silly" but alarming. Schools don't make such judgements lightly and if it means, as you say, that they think she poses a risk to others, you should at least be concerned about why they think that, even if you can't bring yourself to believe it about your child. Could you go back to the school and ask them exactly what about her behaviour they find concerning? That might help you see things more clearly. Her behaviour does not sound like that of someone who is just predisposed to envy or even jealousy. Generally jealous people don't tend to fixate on one person in the way your daughter is doing. She sounds obsessive and I really think it would be dangerous to dismiss that aspect of her behaviour.

I'm not sure.
A lot of people with ADHD seem to be very competitive.
Maybe linked to that?

I'm not a specialist by any means but I know a number of people with ADHD and I read about it quite a bit.

Well, people were labelled as other things wasn’t they ! Like thick, naughty etc

OP has clarified that she is diagnosed with both

i think it would be good to find a family therapist who is experienced in these ND to explore this

I have adhd and I've never struggled with jealousy. I don't think this is a thing.

Some people with adhd have a problem with jealousy. Some people without adhd have a problem with jealousy.

Haven’t read all the posts only yours so apologies if mentioned already, you say your daughter has a diagnosis of AUtism and adhd, does she have a demand avoidance profile? PDA( common profile with autism) in girls presents with the need to be best, be top and struggles with friendships and intensity of friendships- all due to anxiety that these things are a threat. Lots of resources online re. PDA and friendships , I would encourage you to check out the pda society.
ultimately this other girl poses a threat to your daughter and her reactions are part of her brain wiring, not intentional however it is brilliant she can articulate this so I would suggest you support her to cope with the feels that threat brings - feeling worthless, panicky etc or whatever else - up the self tools to recognise that she is safe and can control her feelings well as well as encouraging her self esteem . I say this as a mother to a very similar child whose friendships are one of the biggest challenge she faces.