Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

[cheshirecat2913]

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

‘DD says’ being the operative statement

i highly doubt the other girls comment about her much and your dd is blowing a simple comment out of proportion

you seem to be downplaying your dds behaviour and blaming the other girl and that’s really not helpful. You are feeding your daughters obsession

OP, if you don't get help for your daughter - and quite soon - it is possible that your daughter will find herself excluded from this school for the safety of other pupils. If that happens then don't think that other school head teachers will not be made aware of the reasons under pupil safeguarding.

If you are serious about helping your daughter then find a professional before your daughter ends up out of the school system altogether and into a referral unit somewhere.

Your daughter needs help from health professionals before she becomes a danger to this other girl who’s just trying to go to school and do her best.

Your daughters self worth on importance shouldn’t be tied up to basically if she’s better than everyone else. Which is what she’s doing despite you saying otherwise at times. She only get on with those “below her”.

Just like she won’t go to a less competitive school even though she tests bad. Well guess what her GCSEs are big ole tests. Where this girl who’s become her fixation is like to far surpass her results and then your going to have a huge issue with your daughter.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe We have a therapist/GP/etc in place, it’s DD’s commitment to it that is lacking slightly. We are doing everything we can

Again you are showing the bias your dd is feeding off. What does less competitive mean? That the school doesn’t get quite as good grades overall? It’s a nonsense put about by private schools to attract the pushy parents - if your child is an A grade student she will be an a grade student if she goes to the school a few rungs below in the league table

Agree with this.
Your posts have a worrying focus on this girl as being the problem. Your tone is unpleasant from the start ‘you know the type’.
You need to steer all conversations away from this girl and focus on gratitude for what you and your daughter have.

Do you have any feelings of inadequacy @cheshirecat2913 ?

Life is not a competition and comparison is the thief of joy etc.

Some of this advice really bugs me. Implying that the object of jealousy will peak in high school just feeds the jealousy or the notion that it’s a competition. May not be intended that way but that’s how it comes across to me.

This

The girl isn’t rubbing anything in your daughter’s face by virtue of being good at things. What do you think she should do? Fail in order to make your daughter feel better? Limit her own development and opportunities? That’s a ridiculous notion, and hardly solves the problem of this particular character trait exhibited by your daughter.

As tempting as it may be to blame the other girl, the problem is entirely your daughter’s. And no, imagining how secretly unhappy this girl may be, now or in the future, is also a gross trait that speaks of bitterness, and isn’t tackling the core issue either.

I'm sorry to read that. Whatever you have in place is obviously not going to work without your daughter's buy-in and co-operation. Has the school mentioned a 'contract' to you? Your daughter is your child, she isn't and mustn't be the one 'in control'. Her choices are limited by her own behaviour and she needs to understand that.

If nothing works then removing your daughter from the school - either by you or by exclusion - will be the ultimate solution for the school and the safety of that particular girl. I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't preparation for this already.

I've seen something similar develop - in slow motion - and everyone is sorry afterwards when it's too late.

I'm sorry for you; it must be an intolerable situation for you but please, if you need additional agencies involved then do that.

Yes, this is something I mentioned upthread. Not only does it smack of spite, it also misses the point - whether this girl ‘peaks in secondary school’ isn’t the issue. The issue is OP’s daughter’s inability to handle someone outclassing her, and that’s going to happen in life from time to time. If it’s not this girl it’ll be someone else. Whether this girl remains successful in later life or not is utterly irrelevant. The issue is OP’s daughter’s lack of resilience.

Those are all platitudes though. OP's daughter has been deemed to be a possible risk to others (presumably primarily this girl) by the school at a meeting to discuss her behaviour. That's not a conclusion reached by examining the behaviour of someone going through a "perfectly natural and important phase".

As the mother of a DD who has literally had her life torn apart due to this sort of jealousy directed at her, it’s good to see some of the answers on this thread. Jealousy can be so corrosive. Everyone feels it but it’s such a vital skill to learn to manage it. I’ve taught my kids that jealousy is a signal to us that we aspire to something. It tells us where to direct our efforts to improve ourselves or alternatively to seek other ambitions if we aren’t achieving what we want with effort. It has nothing to do with the other person.

So it's nothing the girl is doing - it's how people including your DD react to her.

Frankly you do need to sit down and talk to her about ignoring this girl and others reactions to her - it will likely be may be more than one conversation.

There's always going to be someone better than you out there. You need to refocus her and her attention to her own life her own goals.

I do think you might need to look at perfectionism - here - as a wider problem - as her need to be best is worrying.

There was a girl from my primary fated as a good artist - she was slightly better than her age range she never managed to do anything in art field. Annie Lennox went down to London after childhood being fated as mucially talented but she thought she was less her contemporaries - and floated for a bit then clearly found a different direction.

She 14 she still needs direction from you and you need to clearly say this girls shouldn't be her focus - few years time she'll likely mean nothing to your DD. I had to say similar with upset 15 year old friend fall out - I said your sibling only keep in touch with one or two people from school as they've moved on and met more people at college and uni.

I don't think OP's dd is insecure it sounds more like she's controlling. Many of us can feel insecure especially teenage girls, it's kind of part and parcel. Not all of us fixate on people doing better than us, yes envy and jealousy are normal human emotions but fixating on one girl as her nemesis when the successful girls hasn't done anything is not normal behaviour. She goes to grammar school so there is a high achieving competitive culture already in the family including mum. The best thing op can do for her dd is to find her an extra curricular activity that fosters empathy. I hope she is not at my dd's school.

Without help the daughter will move her fixation onto another person eventually either because one of the girls moved or the other girl is basically dragged down via the bitterness. Adults won’t take so kindly to people who behave this way as it tends to end up with stalker behaviours.

Copying everything and trying to insert themselves as better than to prove they are good enough. Not taking no for an answer when rejected by a partner or someone they wanted to be a partner. Blaming the new partner and becoming fixated on them and how to be better or prove they are better or bring them down.

It all spirals if left unchecked.

I think the key here is to get the message across to DD that she is causing her own misery.

People who constantly compare themselves to others tend to have a miserable life. They are never happy and their negativity pushes people away. Bitterness isn't something others like to be around.

She doesn't seem to understand that there will always be someone more intelligent/attractive/popular/rich etc than herself, throughout her whole life and that's normal. Have you pointed this out to her?

It sounds like she really needs that therapy. It doesn't really matter what DD thinks of her therapist and she shouldn't have an option to not attend.

She needs a lot of love but also a rude awakening, I think. Her view on the world is in no way realistic and she needs to know that.

This is a tough one, OP. I do feel for you. Push that therapy, if you can. Love on her a lot but make sure you deal her blunt truths and challenge her way of thinking head on.

Tip toeing around this is not going to help her.

You can tell her not to compare herself to others until you are blue in the face, she will still do it. We all do to varying degrees.

I would get her involved in something outside of school. Something that’s her and against her. I know you said she doesn’t like physical stuff, but has she tried going to the gym? Lifting weights and getting stronger (in relative terms to where you have been) is a great method to bolster self esteem. It teaches patience, but rewards effort and consistency. I believe it’s becoming more popular amongst young women and girls and she doesn’t need to do it in a group. I may be way off target, so
apologies if I am, but it might be worth trying?

I was going to say the same.
Too much focus on school. Find something, anything that she can do that takes her out of that environment.
For example, I've known kids who have never got a good part in the school play....go to out of school drama group and had loads of chances and loved it. Gave them a huge amount of confidence, especially in speaking up.
Another not great at group sports. Went to a climbing centre and learned bouldering. It gave them something else to think about and talk about. Distraction is really good in this case.

Your DD's situation reminds of me of that Wallace Simpson quote.. .You can never be too rich or too thin.... but I hated that idea and thought that there will always be someone who is thinner and richer than you... so why bother about it.

Maybe you could do some fun things with her at the weekend, does she like art? Music? Photography? Volunteer at local radio station or similar. Having lots of other interests that this girl she's fixating on doesn't do would make a big difference.

Is she autistic OP? I am asking because all of these, considered together and in context, point that way:

Intense fixation on one specific peer, feeling compelled to 'defeat' her.
Rigid, black-and-white thinking ("if I'm not the best, I'm worthless").
Severe difficulties with emotional regulation, leading to jealousy, emotional meltdowns, and self-harm.
Significant social isolation and difficulties forming or maintaining friendships.
Extreme neediness, requiring constant reassurance and validation.
Difficulty handling perceived failure or lack of immediate success.
Self-worth heavily dependent on external validation, comparisons, and academic achievements.
Regularly detaches from reality through excessive gaming as an escape.
Strong internal distress despite external masking; appears compliant and empathetic outwardly but struggles internally.

Have you spoken to the school's SENCo?

I agree with @TotallyForgettableForNow this is incredibly serious OP. I think your daughter needs proper psychiatric evaluation and care. How you access this and get your daughter to engage with it I have no idea. An awful and very difficult situation for you @cheshirecat2913.

I don't think she is envious. She seems to have a low self esteem and tends to compare herself to others. It's good that she is able to express her thoughts to you. You should help her build self esteem. Tell her she does not need to worry about how others do on her favourite or any subject. As long as she is putting in efforts, working hard, she would find success in the long term, even if it is not obvious now.
Praise her for her efforts in whatever she does. Efforts count as much as results do.

Kindly …….. are you a jealous person by nature? Just from reading your replies I’d say you are modelling some underlying jealousy traits and your daughter has learned these.

In your replies you said “this girl can do everything” and alluded to this girl “rubbing it in your daughters face”.

I’d be looking hard at the influence your own emotions are having on your daughter and how you can show her the right behaviours. Maybe worth reading Mel Robbins book “Let them”