Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

[cheshirecat2913]

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

@simpledeer She does have genuine remorse and she takes criticism pretty well and applies it to work etc after she gets over it. It depends on the situation but generally she’s good with that.

@WaterMonkey I wrote 'peak in secondary' - no spiteful implications and not being dismissive. It was a way to help OP explain to a teenager (in language they understand!) that people who succeed in school do not necessarily become very successful in life (not saying the girl in question won't of course). Obviously, since then, the thread has moved on quite a bit and I adjusted my view based on new info.

That’s a huge drip feed! Why didn’t you mention her autism and ADHD diagnosis from the beginning?

I would see a psychiatrist not a counsellor. I think she needs to distance herself from this girl as a means to remove the fixation also. Can you imagine a boy posting this about a girl you’d be terrified.

I mentioned possible narcissism in my sister.

Not ops child.

But sharing similarities in childhood and where it unfortunately ended up for my sister, since no real help was provided for how miserable she felt as a child.

I hope op can afford to keep sending her child to therapy as it at least gives a glimmer of hope of something sinking in for her so that she doesn't have a hope of ending up anything like my sister.

Edited to say we also believe my sister is ND but undiagnosed as she would not see anybody about anything. She would be in denial.
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This isn't the issue. If the other girl wasn't around, there would be someone else to blame. There will always be people brighter than her, better looking, more popular. How do you build her self esteem to deal with that without creating an egotistical monster? Your daughter has serious mental health issues and I feel you as a family, seem to go along with her. She was supercilious about her counsellor and stopped going. Did you firmly tell her not going wasn't an option? Did you find another counsellor? She has a terrible attitude to other people and that needs dealt with, not swept under the carpet. I feel sorry for her but this situation could get very messy

Bit drastic, but as it's such a intense and long-lasting obsession, would you consider moving schools so that your daughter no longer sees the girl?

There’ll be a ‘this girl’ in the new school. And every school. The problem is OP’s daughter’s thought process, and that’s going to follow her around until she deals with it.

I'm auhd and so is my daughter,

What do you say when she brings up this girl?

You need to not engage about this girl any longer. Your dd is obsessed at this point isn't she, ( not meant in a nasty way, from.my own experience asd people to tend to get obsessed with people or their perceived actions )

You need to just disengage.

My dd is very similar but in the sense of being picked on. It's normally not. It's tit for tat kid stuff...... but, if I give her too much attention about anything school wise, she runs with it. She will come out talking about whichever child has upset her, for days, she looks for slights ect

Just disengage and be very straight, I'm not talking about this with you anymore. It's been over a year now and nothing has changed.

This girl doesn't live in your house, isn't part of your family, why is she taking up so much headspace from you and your dd?

She's obsessed over her this long because essentially you have let her. Both of you need to pack it in and just stop talking about her. Distract. Change subject ect

@cheshirecat2913 may I ask, have you ever been to therapy?

Would you consider it?

When our children are struggling with one emotion dominating and causing problems, it can be helpful to look at ourselves and examine our own feelings, or our own parents feelings, around that issue.

For example, My mother is controlling and narcissistic and loves to judge others, it’s her favourite way of feeling better about herself. I used to be very judgemental too (and horrible to myself!) until I started to see where my patterns were learned from. Just knowing how it came to be like this helped me let go, and be more forgiving of myself and others.

That’s just an example, your situation is different, but I do think that as a mum therapy should be mandatory! We carry this huge weight in trying to bring up our kids right.

Bringing stuff to awareness and talking about it is immensely powerful as it gives you the choice to change it

That isn't a nice trait at all, OP. Also that your daughter thinks that her counsellor 'doesn't do a good job'. Fine not to get on or like someone but that's a level of arrogance that needs addressing.

I agree with PP that unchecked jealous can lead to all sorts of violent behaviour.

If this were my daughter I would be finding out of school activities that this objectified girl doesn't do - just for the sake of meeting new and unconnected people. I would also be finding someone for my daughter to speak to professionally because getting a reputation for being difficult in school can quickly translate to being singled out and everything, every tiny little thing, being leapt on.

As a last resort I would change schools.

I think taking her out of her own head is the key. That might be volunteering, or new hobbies, or just getting out and seeing more of the world, or films that might help her look at things from other perspectives.

I also think it's strange and odd that people are saying academic high fliers then aren't "successful" and gloating over it. There are lots of different measures of success. For me, my goal was to earn enough to have an interesting and fulfilling career whilst still spending lots of time with my children and doing all the school runs etc. I never had an aspiration to be the CEO of an NHS trust or whatever. My academic achievements have helped me achieve my vision of success. Plus I loved (and love) learning for its own sake, not purely to earn more or have a higher status

You need to get your child some help with their self esteem.

Jealousy is an ugly trait. Giving up and being a quitter is also an ugly trait.

How does she know that this girl doesn't have hidden issues? How does she know that this girl isn't under huge amounts of pressure to succeed.

I was good at everything. Straight As. Very sporty. County level for 2 sports. Played 3 instruments. It sucked having pushy parents. It sucked that people treated me like shit for being good at stuff.

Not all is as it always seems on the surface.

Family therapy for you and your DD would be helpful. A lot to unpick I suspect.

That isn't a nice trait at all, OP. Also that your daughter thinks that her counsellor 'doesn't do a good job'. Fine not to get on or like someone but that's a level of arrogance that needs addressing.

It does seem to be an odd mix of low esteem AND a superiority complex.

I suppose though one could have a superiority complex and the existence of this other girl is challenging to OP's daughter's sense of self as being the best/needing to be the best. Hence the obsession and dislike.

'your DD could easily do better than this girl if she worked harder'

'she can change reality if she works for it'

That's never a given. Despite a growth mindset. And absolutely feeds into jealousy. Some people are just more able than others in certain this. It wouldn't matter how much I trained, I could never be an elite basketball player.

Different if you were saying in a different area- but you aren't.

Just a question: wouldn't thus reinforce the idea that she is in competition with this girl? She needs to understand that everyone has their own journey. We are not in a race to one destination. We are on different journeys to different destinations.

I agree, counselling if you can afford op. If not positive reinforcement as well as discussing the idea of different journeys

yes!

It's just not true though. The Chinese pianists (or whatever) who outperform the European ones are the ones who had natural talent as a child and who were hot-housed constantly - they're not just average school children who try their best and work hard.

Not everyone can be best at everything, even if it's a "bog standard school subject" - there's always going to be someone who is more talented, or who gets a higher grade, or who struggles less. That's just life, and the earlier children learn that, the better.

Constantly encouraging competition with this girl is only going to exacerbate the issues that are going on right now.

Sorry, I might have worded it wrong.
DD doesn’t actively think she’s ‘better’ than anyone else, she just finds it easier to deal with if the person in question isn’t rubbing their talents in her face. She’s very kind, loving and empathetic to all but this person for some reason which is why it’s quite a shock to me.

“Rubbing their talents in her face “. Are you serious?

That isn’t how you described the girl in question.

I think we can see where DD gets her personality from. I’m out.

Your language here isn’t helping at all. Your posts seem to suggest you are aligned with your dd!

agree with a pp that you need to disengage. If she brings the girl up tell her you don’t want to discuss her and talk about something else more positive

How on earth is this girl "rubbing her talents in her face"? She's just a kid going about her business.

It sounds like both of you have issues and would benefit from therapy.

Is it silly, though? Children have been known to hurt others because of their jealousy. Can she access counselling? I think these might be feelings that she needs help with.

And now, whenever DD isn’t instantly good at something she gives up and it’s always somehow to do with the other girl for some reason.

Make sure you praise effort not outcomes - can you find example of people - in books/films/radio who aren't best initally but stay the course keep plugging away and find success or find ways to walk sideways to success.

14 - is she GCSE years - how many classes ie how much time is she spending with this girl. Could it be this girl is very competative with your DD and it's not being picked up perhaps socially more adept so it's less obvious- in which case your DD may need stategeries to deal with her - sometime my ND kids needed concrete examples of what to say to get people to back off.

Ultimately this girl doens't matter - the talent pool is wider than her current school and there are many paths to take in life - does she have a plan for after school - could you focus her on what she needs to get there?