To think 42 is too old for a baby?

[UnknownClam]

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

I’m early 30’s and don’t find it challenging with 2 under 3. My friend is the same age and has 1 baby the same age as my youngest and struggles with lack of sleep. So if anyone who’s going to feel nackered should opt out, I think it would mean loads more people are out than your 42 year old friend 😂 plus if she has others, she knows what to expect anyway and has obviously decided she has 1 more in her.

I don't think you one to talk if you had a baby at 38...

I'm sorry to hear that and it sounds like a very painful thing. But there are many people to whom life doesn't happen that way and who remain fit and healthy and active into their 80s and even 90s, looking at my own family, anyway.

I agree with this. Menopause didn't have a chance to fuck me up - it came late and suddenly and I was on HRT before you could blink. But we also found the teenaged years fun and not brutal at all.

Definitely too old for me as I’d have the same concerns as you but it’s very much dependant on the person so think you’re right to keep thoughts to yourself.
I have a colleague who has older parents and he wishes they’d had him earlier as he’s mid thirties having to deal with them ageing when many others only have to deal with that in their fifties+. He feels under pressure to have kids so that his parents will meet them (let alone be able to maybe support with childcare).
But it sounds like there’s also lots of people on this thread with older parents who have really good experiences so only thing you can do is use your best judgement for your own situation.

I really enjoyed the teenage years! I thought they were great, and far easier than the toddler years. It varies so much, doesn't it.

So because you feel old before your time, you think everybody else does too? Some of us have worked hard to stay fit and healthy. We're not all over the hill at 35 like you.

Yes and I said exactly that in my original post, but it is a gamble. Nobody can predict the future, but realistically most people are not getting into their 80s in amazing health.

Its 50/50 whether it works out well, or whether health issues crop up and the child ends losing their parent early (or taking on a caring burden far younger than they should have to).

Had my second child at 44. All fine, I’m finding being an older mum helpful as I’m calmer and financially secure. Do my best to stay fit and healthy which is more than I can see from some parents who are vaping and overweight in their 20s and 30s 🤷‍♀️

Why do people come on MN to get agreement with an opinion they have formed about a third person?

@UnknownClam I feel the same way too, deffo think 40 is too old to be having another. If it's her first or second, I totally understand because during that stage it's either now or never.
But idk why she would even want a third at 42, its going to wipe her out plus there are risks of having children later in life.
Also I dont understand what having a third child would add to her life, why is her 2 kids not enough for her?
Furthermore, parenting a teenager in your late 50s isnt going to be much fun either (although some teens can be exceptionally lovely but this is not the norm)
Anyway op, I suggest you say fine and dont think about it too much, it's her life.

I don't think it is, just be aware of the possibility it might not happen and if it does, the higher chances of certain conditions.

Better to have one at 42 with a decent husband/partner than at 22 or 32 with some of the men covered in plenty of threads.

I think you need to mind your own business. How rude to launch into a post like this to slag off her choices!

Sammeee, cannot honestly wait to focus on MYSELF when I hit my 40s too lol

Mumsnet generally hates older mums and thinks you should make sure you see your great grandchildren into university, as otherwise your children have lost their parents too young.
We have two DCs who were both adopted as babies. I was 44 when DC1 was born and I was fine. I do think if you've mentally done the baby years you might not be quite so excited about them - DC2 is 2 1/2 years younger so we were already doing nappies, nursery and adding another set didn't make that much difference, we hadn't sold the Perfect Prep or the baby bath.

Yes i think its old.

Omg, THIS! Like what do people think women in their 40s did prior to reliable contraception? Just give up sex after age 25? They may have started having children younger but they didn’t suddenly hit menopause earlier. There’s a reason so many families not all that long ago had loads of children.

I’m 42 and couldn’t think of anything I’d less like to do right now. But that’s because I was fortunate to have my children when I was younger.

I definitely don’t think it’s too old if you want to, are able to and have the stamina! It’s the potential sadness and upset of TTC at 42 that I find almost as off putting as the physical effort, because although some people are lucky and have easy and stress free pregnancies at this age many don’t.

As someone who had two children in my 40s, along with full time resident teenage stepsons, I disagree. I didn’t meet my DH til I was 39, so no opportunity to start younger.
Many of my friends had kids in their 40s, oldest being 46 (all but one conceived naturally). Kids are now university age so doing fine, as are the parents!

They'll cope. We all do.

My personal experience when my mum had a baby at 42 was absolutely horrendous. There was a big gap between the 3 older kids and the baby. The older kids then ended up being massively neglected as in no food in the house, having to look after the baby. Mum did not cope at all.
I am sure that doesn’t happen in all cases but I would really consider the older kids before having a baby with that age gap. It’s rarely going to be in their best interests. Don’t get me wrong, I love my younger sister now but it really did ruin my teenage years and cause absolute chaos and poverty in our house.

Yes, it's too old, especially as she has DCs already. Those DCs are at an age now when they will need a lot of her support and attention, and she wants to bring a new baby into this scenario. Of course it's all possible but there are greater risks to pregnancy at this age, what if the new baby has birth defects and needs extra care? Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

She is being driven by a very strong biological urge to have another sprog, but she's putting her wants over the needs of her DCs.

Whether or not I would say this if someone in this situation asked my opinion would depend on how good a friend they were. From what you say I suspect she's not really interested in your opinion, she just wants your affirmation of the decision she has already made.

I would keep schtum, let her get on with it!

I think as well, some people are lucky to find someone to settle down with early on, and have no problems conceiving and giving birth. Not everyone is so fortunate, and a baby in your 40s can be a boon.

I don’t think it’s too old, but I am
biased as my parents had me in their forties and I had my dd in my forties.

HOWEVER, I think this is very much her hormones telling her to have one last go, and she may find that the reality of having a 10 year age gap and a small child, whilst heading into peri, pretty fucking brutal.

Most of her friends will presumably be beginning to relish their freedom as their kids get more independent.

I loved it when my dd was small but, once perimenopause properly kicked in, I didn’t feel like nurturing anything but my garden and pot plants.

Now I am sandwiched between ninety-something parents and 10yo, who all need a lot of my time and energy, whilst a lot of old friends are waving their kids off to university!

I had both mine in my early forties. No matter how old I was though once children were hitting double figures I would not want to go through it all again. No issues with me being in my forties though, they're now both adult.