To think 42 is too old for a baby?

[UnknownClam]

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

@BrandonFlowersEyesWithEyeliner I didn't miss out on my twenties did a lot of stuff and made a lot of memories some not so great. But it was getting boring and I knew I wanted children. Once I found the right guy it was all a go. 2yrs in first baby flat to small house. I am lucky

Not old - my relative in the 1960’s had a baby at 41 - not old - and being in your late 50’s you-are not at death’s door! and probably still working etc enjoying life and can well manage teenagers

Furthermore, parenting a teenager in your late 50s isnt going to be much fun either (although some teens can be exceptionally lovely but this is not the norm)

It was great fun. She was a lovely teen but that is the norm in my circle. I don't recognise the nightmare teens of MN - nor would I tolerate them.

Luck of the draw I’m afraid. You get the teen you get. You’ve been lucky.

it’s nothing to do with superior parenting due to being older by the way. I was 19 and 22 with mine and they’ve been lovely teens, but I’ve met some nightmare ones over the years too. Some of the worst I’ve ever known were twins of much older parents. They were very affluent and gave them everything. It’s was a huge struggle for them all.

I had my first at 26 and was treated like a teenage mum in my social circle.

It's crazy isn't it !

I had travelled round Europe on a motorbike! Got a decent career, married, home owner and had two much wanted children before I was 28! To be honest I too felt I was at the later end of where I wanted children. I felt a bit too near 30 !!

I hate that sneery " well you obviously haven't had time to travel, you obviously haven't climbed up the career ladder far enough"

What really pisses me off is how little "motherhood" Is valued. Like travelling, career progression are literally "must haves" ironically I did also do both of those things, but they weren't as important to me as starting a family.

Too many people wait until they've got water tight foundations and a million pound in the bank for Henry's future violin lessons !!

You don't have to have everything! If you have a secure relationship, the rest will follow. Nothing wrong with not travelling, it's not essential, or even doing it later. Most universities are very accommodating for students that have babies and children, if you fancy retraining and have another earner in the house.

My neighbours daughter got pregnant at 21 whilst at uni (they got married shortly before baby arrived, in a small ceremony) daughter and son in law carried on at uni. Grandparents helped. They loved it so much - she got pregnant 2 years later when she'd finished her exams. They're still together and both have qualified jobs (she's part time, as an allied health professional)

Funny isn’t it. To me 26 seems like the ideal age to start a family.

I was 19, which is a bit young tbh. Though none of us have suffered for it. Dd1 is 20 now. When I had her the average first time mum where I lived was between 25 and 30 so I didn’t feel that out of place. These days I think I’d be a social pariah! With most new mums being late 30s and 40s and often very judgmental of under 30s having kids.

Luck of the draw I’m afraid. You get the teen you get. You’ve been lucky.

No, it's down to the parenting. Love and boundaries. No way would I - or those in my circle of family and friends - put up with the shit I see mums on MN talk about.

it’s nothing to do with superior parenting due to being older by the way

I didn't say it was. There are poor parents of all ages. And good ones of all ages.

Exactly.

I like your point about motherhood seeming to hold less value. Like that’s the thing that can wait and be risked so that you have time to travel, like it’s the more important thing.

i didn’t get to travel before kids. But I’ve been plenty of places with them. I also completed a degree apprenticeship in my 30s and have best part of 30 year of working ahead of me uninterrupted by may leave or caring responsibilities for small children.

while ideally I’d have liked to have been a few years older having kids I’d take having them when I did over being an older parent.

I think 26 is perfect!

I also think 19 is fine ! So long as you feel mature enough and you have good support around you. Granted it is young, but it's not school age.

I gave an example up thread, a relative of mine had 2 by 19- army husband, they were married and had a mortgage. She's laughing now she's mid thirties with adult children! The kids are well bought up too, clever and happy.

I honestly do think these women that have to be CEO and millionaires and lived in a hostel in Taiwan for 4 years before having kids are projecting a bit of "sour grapes" attitude.

This is judgemental I admit it : but the women I know that have that mindset turn out to be the ones that struggle to adapt to motherhood. The kids are normally the ones being stuck in wrap around care and farmed out to childminders from 6 months on because they don't want to affect their career status.

there are a lot of other factors than just parenting love and boundaries. Being a good and consistent parent goes a long way, but some teens will be a nightmare no matter what.

I think it is. I can't imagine being in my sixties and having a teenager. My mum had my sister at 41 and I was 15, she left it all to me and I really resented it.

Find it a bit baffling that you’re so horrified when you say you had a child yourself only 4 years earlier… not much difference in terms of any the concerns you have. You’ll also be in your 50’s when your child is a teen?!

I was a few weeks off 47 when I had DS. He's fine, birth was fine, sleepless nights happened and that was fine. I'm 50 with a 3 year old now and it's all still fine.

If you think you couldn't hack a newborn at 43, don't have one. If your friend wants a baby at 43 she should try. Then everybody's happy. Keep it simple, don't worry about things that aren't in your control.

What a remarkably odd post. Why would it be ‘sour grapes’ to say that it’s highly unlikely that a teenager will make an adequate parent?

For me it would be way too old, but I had my 1st at 16, 2nd at 26 and 3rd at 31. Youngest 17 next week, I couldn’t imagine having a primary age child at 48 personally.

Exactly and good for you for creating a good life for yourself!

I honestly believe the 40+ brigade see having children young or younger than them is something "chavs" do. Like being a mother is a dim paupers past time.

They , the clever special elite ones, do all the important stuff first , then lapse into pregnancy and motherhood.

As you say, it's sad that motherhood and the value of a mother is sneered at. We'll pay for this in society in a couple of decades time.

There's really not much difference being 38 and 42.

And I couldn't imagine being saddled with a child in my teens and twenties 'personally'. Funny how we're all different, isn't it?

It’s just sounds a bit sour when you say it like that. This teenager mentioned here was 19 as I was when I had dd1. I can assure you I was and am a more than adequate parent, and it sounds as if the 19 year old mentioned here did a grand job too. Yes, not ideal to have a baby at 15, though I do know a few 15 year old mothers who’s kids are now grown who have done great jobs, but a 19 year old is an adult.

I adapted to motherhood more easily than I think I would now if I’d had all these years child free and pleasing myself.

My husband's mother was a teenage mum (married, house, had both her sons before age 20) she wasn't viewed as a "teenage" mother, it was just normal at the time.

I do know a few teenage mums that don't fit the idea you have in your head of some little Britain Vicky pollard sort (both army wives) so married very young, kids before aged 20. They seem to be coping like other adults 🙄

It's the stereotype of what a "young mum" looks like to you that's informing your outlook.

Nowadays "young mum" stereotype is now fixed to women below aged 35. It's poposterous!

I tried at 42. She had downs so I terminated. You can test now. It’s not your business, kindly.

I settled in my early twenties, I didn't feel I missed out either. Even got to travel a little bit (not that that's essential) I qualified young in my career and actually took a promotion when the kids were getting a tad older. I still never went full time though. Money isn't everything - time with my children is more precious.

Glad you have a success story also 😄

Quite. Feel better now? Funny how some people think they are superior isn’t it? Whatever floats your boat. I’d rather be ‘saddled’ when I had the energy and now enjoy my life when my body is slowing down. To each their own.

38 is pretty old for childbearing, so is 42. Both are fine as long as you’re happy with it.