To think 42 is too old for a baby?

[UnknownClam]

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

I agree with her actually. I was done by late 20s (had a decent career, married, home owner) and even anything I actually wish we'd had children a couple of years earlier!

My energy levels are the same in my thirties than my twenties so I find that bizarre

Can you elaborate on what you think the problem is?

OP I'm so sorry to break this to you but...by the time your child is in it's teens you'll be mid 50s I'm not sure the extra couple of years will make that much difference 🤣

*I'd like it noting I'm almost 39 and sat with a baby.

Personally I agree with you Op, but it's not your life or your decision. Keep your views to yourself and be supportive.

Can't wait for people to join the thread saying they couldn't have gone through pregnancy in their 20s and are glad to have completed their family by age 19. 😀

I'm 43...I think I'd drop down dead from exhaustion if I had a baby right now.

I don't know if that's because I'm knackered from spending the past two decades parenting or if it's just my age.

I think this thread clearly illustrates that we are all individuals, in how we think, physically and emotionally. The person considering having another child at 42 has to make her own decision. As long as she weighs up pros and cons carefully and is not swayed by selfishness or feeling very broody all of a sudden, good luck to her.

She may change her mind.

I’m 43 and yes I feel I’d probably be “too old” now. Not necessarily physically but just because I wouldn’t want to go through all of that again - I’m at a different stage in life and I enjoy the fact that my child has more independence now.

Some people fee completely different and thrive through the baby/toddler/small child phase. So what is right for your friend may not feel right for you - and that is fine.

I think though that too many people focus on their age during the baby years...I think it's also important to consider whether you want to be in the teenage years while you're in your late fifties heading towards 60

YABU. It’s nothing to do with you, just because you wouldn’t doesn’t mean others shouldn’t.

Pleased you're not my friend.

Ironically I do actually know someone who completed her family by age 19 😆!! Her DH was in the army, they married at 18 - (she was pregnant) and got pregnant a few months after that baby was born when he was on home leave - so had number 2 almost exactly a year after the first. That was it, they had no more. She's now 38 with a 20yr old and 19yr old who seem to be grounded and doing well. One went to uni and one followed the army career.

Sometimes life doesn't work out how you want it to. Some people have commented me being so young when I had my eldest who just turned 9! My second was seen as more acceptable as she is 6yrs old. And now judged for having my third at 37yrs old. But repeated misscarriges and operations delayed it.

YABU and judgemental - it’s really none of your business.

Societal issues include:

resulting birth rate decline, resulting in big problems for our generation.

Increase in medical costs to NHS. Increased IVF costs. Increased midwife and consultant monitoring and care during pregnancy. Increase in breast cancer (read about this recently - reproducing is a protective factor, having babies later increases incidences of cancer in younger women.

negative effects on resulting children who have older parents. People are “living unwell” for longer now.

I think society needs to change to enable people to think about having kids younger (in their 20s and 30s). Address costs of living. Having kids in 40s isn’t ideal for society, if this becomes ever more normal.

I have a friend having a first at 48! It's a donor egg and the pregnancy has complications. Her relationship is also a little odd and they are only now moving in together just before baby is due. He is obviously only having a baby because she wants one and is currently rather stressed.
She has elderly parents herself with declining health and a mentality disabled sibling.
To be honest it's a really selfish act on her part at this age. The child will be an only child of very elderly parents.
But obviously we are all just being polite and saying how lovely and excited we all are for them.
It is what it is and absolutely nobody else business.
It's not when the child is tiny that it will be an issue more the fact that they will have parents of 60 when they enter secondary school, 70 at graduation and possibly dealing with elderly care in 20"s and 30's when they should be living their own life. This is why it's a selfish move.

People thought you were too young at 28?! That’s a perfectly normal age to have children, not young at all!

According to many people on here is incredibly young. Verging on irresponsible. Of course it’s not. They’re just trying to validate their own life choices of leaving trying for a family until 40.

sometimes life happens. A friend of mine is just about to have her first at 40 after 7 long years of fertility issues, but when people make an active decision to be that age it does baffle me.

Couldn't agree more!!

On the last thread like this - I was accused of missing out on my youth for having children in my mid 20s!!! I was a fully fledged adult who was married with a career and a home!!!! Not a 15yr old gymslip mother still at school!

But as you rightly say, a lot of it is sneery due to needing to justify their own (in my opinion) adverse life choices

I know a few women who had a “last” baby about 42. I don’t think it’s too old. I’d raise eyebrows at 45 though

Before contraception existed it would have been a lot more common. These days at least we have a choice about these things. It may not suit you to have a baby at that age, and it wouldn’t suit me, but if someone else does it’s really none of our business.

Do you have imagining issues? Having toddlers in your 30s is pretty much the norm for millions of women

@BooomShakeTheRoom 29 when I had him. But I was judged for lots very snobby clique crowd. They were gobsmacked when I said I went to Uni and what time got my degrees for. What I did etc. Also got annoyed I BF and did cloth nappies. But this was sheer projection on their part. Woman can be bloody horrid to each other. Tbh I did try for a short while to "Fit". But then i thought fuck it. I have no patience 😁. Still the oddball but happy as I've achieved and gone through so much. Plus the kids still love me! Mine obviously. And the ones I meet in general. Words out on teenagers 😂.

@Whataninterestinglookingpotato yeah I just got the assumption sneery looks and they decided I had done nothing with my life. Never travelled, zero education benefit scrounger. For me it was the next step and I knew from women's issues in my family. Fertility and misscarriges were common so not to leave it. And I was pushing it tbh at 28!