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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cafe humiliation

398 replies

Skyview7 · 21/03/2025 20:26

Took my DD (hardworking mum to my 2 DGC) for lunch in a very nice local cafe (pink tea pots, fresh roses on the tables) as a treat.
Lunch menu looked nice. We ordered and I asked if I could just check if my salad could be gluten free. At this the waitress asked if I was choosing or actually coeliac. I am in fact, coeliac and she said then informed me that I would need to sign something first. Honestly, I thought it was a joke but she came back with a large clipboard and an A4 sheet of paper and pen and asked me to have it signed by the time she returned; she was not going to take the order until this was done.
I sat staring at the paperwork wondering of this was for real. The paperwork was a disclaimer that if the cafe should inadvertantly slip me anything gluten laden then they would keep this piece of paper with my "consent" at the risks therein.
Several ladies having tea and lunches were staring at me and DD when the waitress came back; she was astonished that I hadn't signed their form yet. I just wanted to have a nice salad lunch with my daughter to treat her without having some jobsworth make me out to be some sort of liability to them. DD said it had sucked the good vibe right out and she was absolutely right.
So the waitress then asked why I wouldn't sign. I had to explain (calmly but upset) that I had hoped for kinder and far more inclusive customer service instead of singling me out and making me "other" whilst their diners looked on wondering why I was having to sign their paperwork before anyone was willing to serve us. She said, no, it's not like that - but I had to explain again that their paperwork was not to caring for the customer it was them covering their back against me if they were to make a mistake. Although I previously liked the cafe very much, DD and I left.
I'm a woman of the world and a solo traveller too. I have a happy go lucky nature but today...I really felt humiliated. AIBU?

OP posts:
PrincessScarlett · 21/03/2025 21:21

I'm surprised this is the first time you've come across this OP. My mum is gluten free and several times in the last year that I've eaten out with her, in a variety of establishments, she has been asked to sign something or tap a screen.

Unfortunately this is the way of the world now and businesses are protecting themselves from being liable for a customer having an allergic reaction. I don't understand why you just didn't sign the form and get on with enjoying your treat with your DD.

Waterlilysunset · 21/03/2025 21:21

I’m coeliac.

I would have just signed and the had a laugh about how precious they were later with dh

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 21/03/2025 21:21

(To clarify, that’s the law of England and Wales. Not familiar with other jurisdictions!)

LilyOfTheValleySoon · 21/03/2025 21:22

NetZeroZealot · 21/03/2025 21:19

I know that. But I’m
going on the basis that being glutened is a relatively uncommon occurrence.
unpleasant when it happens but as long as it’s not happening every week it shouldn’t have any long term serious impacts on your health.

Show quote history

So according to you, does it mean it’s ok for a cafe to not be that careful because the risk isn’t life threatening?? It’s ‘just’ feeling shit fir a week.

Oopsps · 21/03/2025 21:24

I’m a ceoliac and this happened to me once and I felt exactly the same as you. Nothing kills the atmosphere like being made to feel a liability.

ruethewhirl · 21/03/2025 21:25

PartyPopper57 · 21/03/2025 21:16

YABU. She doesn’t make the rules and you don’t have to dine there 🤷‍♀️

Last time we were in Nando’s, the lady taking our order wasn’t allowed to take it as DH has an allergy. It turned out that only managers are allowed to put through allergy orders, who knew?!! It’s a pain but it’s not the end of the world.

Disclaimer, I’m not sure if this is every Nando’s but it’s the one near me.

But it's not just about the form, it's also about how the staff handle these things. OP shouldn't have been made to feel the way she was, it could have been done more discreetly and with a pleasanter attitude.

Waterlilysunset · 21/03/2025 21:26

PartyPopper57 · 21/03/2025 21:16

YABU. She doesn’t make the rules and you don’t have to dine there 🤷‍♀️

Last time we were in Nando’s, the lady taking our order wasn’t allowed to take it as DH has an allergy. It turned out that only managers are allowed to put through allergy orders, who knew?!! It’s a pain but it’s not the end of the world.

Disclaimer, I’m not sure if this is every Nando’s but it’s the one near me.

Lots of chain restaurants have this rule that only managers are trusted to put through allergy orders. I find this in many many places

Sapienza · 21/03/2025 21:26

I just wanted to have a nice salad lunch with my daughter to treat her without having some jobsworth make me out to be some sort of liability to them

You lost me here, OP.

SpectacularBlahaj · 21/03/2025 21:27

@Skyview7, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s fair, when you’re paying for food and service, to expect a certain level of discretion and understanding around dietary requirements.

I also have coeliac disease. Getting lengthy paper waivers and having rather abrupt, personal questions shouted across a restaurant or café isn’t new to me. It is embarrassing, and can feel like people are shifting the issue of their own lack of knowledge back onto you. Especially frustrating if a place has advertised GF options.

I do recommend an app called ‘Find Me Gluten Free’, if you haven’t tried it already. It’s been a real help for me in identifying safe places to eat. I’m sorry you went through this, and wish you the best!

BrandonFlowersEyesWithEyeliner · 21/03/2025 21:32

You've hit the nail on the head. They don't give a shiny shite about 'protecting' you from possible harm. They're just covering their arses in case you sue. This world we live in has gone bonkers!!! Everywhere is like it.

As you rightly say, it translates to a cold and robotic service.

I see your point totally. I'm not surprised you went elsewhere

recipientofraspberries · 21/03/2025 21:32

I think the cafe have gone about this really badly. If they feel the need to cover their backs there are ways they can go about it that don't involve leaving a black clipboard with a customer and making them feel singled out and conspicuous.

Christwosheds · 21/03/2025 21:32

Tourist29 · 21/03/2025 20:48

Is there gluten in salad? I get transference danger with peanut allergies etc but wasn’t aware it was dangerous re gluten.

Cross contamination can make you ill. Eg if someone was making the salad and used tongs for the lettuce also used for bread, or cut something on a board that had just had bread on it. I am coeliac, it isn’t the same as an allergy, a small amount won’t kill you and the reaction you get is dose related, but it can give you food poisoning type symptoms, which is obviously not pleasant at any time but particularly if you are not at home.
I would have been annoyed at having to sign a disclaimer, I haven’t come across this yet. To me it would suggest that they wouldn’t be very careful and I wouldn’t go back to that cafe.

Sunnydays25 · 21/03/2025 21:34

They have a duty of care to customers, which they seem to be trying to avoid by getting you to sign away your rights.

Can you complain to the environmental health section of your council?

IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 21/03/2025 21:34

Humiliating is an odd way to feel about this. I can definitely understand being annoyed. And I think in your shoes I’d go right off my food if someone handed me something to sign that said basically “we might poison you and if we do, eh, it’s a you problem. Don’t come crying to us”. That said, it’s a shame businesses feel they have to have these forms at all but I’m guessing where there’s blame there’s a claim. I wonder if these waivers stand up legally though?

NetZeroZealot · 21/03/2025 21:34

LilyOfTheValleySoon · 21/03/2025 21:22

So according to you, does it mean it’s ok for a cafe to not be that careful because the risk isn’t life threatening?? It’s ‘just’ feeling shit fir a week.

Show quote history

No, I said the opposite. If DS was asked to sign a disclaimer we’d leave the restaurant.
i don’t know what it’s like to have a family member with a potentially fatal allergy but I think we’d probably eat out a lot less.

NetZeroZealot · 21/03/2025 21:36

Christwosheds · 21/03/2025 21:32

Cross contamination can make you ill. Eg if someone was making the salad and used tongs for the lettuce also used for bread, or cut something on a board that had just had bread on it. I am coeliac, it isn’t the same as an allergy, a small amount won’t kill you and the reaction you get is dose related, but it can give you food poisoning type symptoms, which is obviously not pleasant at any time but particularly if you are not at home.
I would have been annoyed at having to sign a disclaimer, I haven’t come across this yet. To me it would suggest that they wouldn’t be very careful and I wouldn’t go back to that cafe.

Show quote history

Exactly

Cucy · 21/03/2025 21:38

You’re being a bit sensitive.

Theres nothing wrong with being coeliac and no other customers would have been judging you.

Its a pain but it’s not humiliating.
The waitress was just doing her job and I would have either signed and ordered or gone somewhere else.

DD was really rude to say that it had sucked the good vibe out when you were kind enough to take her out to lunch.

As the PPs have said, this is more common and will continue to be so.
You aren’t being ‘othered’ but you do have an issue that not everyone has and there’s no way around that for the cafe.

100PercentFaithful · 21/03/2025 21:38

I agree that’s outrageous and I would have felt upset too.
It’s horrible having Coeliac disease.
There is very little understanding of how serious it is and how isolating it is.

user1471538275 · 21/03/2025 21:38

I think you're being unreasonable.

Many small eating out places will not be able to guarantee no cross contamination of gluten. It's not being careless - they just don't have the space to do it.

They need to let you know that this is the situation because this is a risk to you - then you can decide whether or not to take the risk.

If you choose to take the risk, they need to have evidence that you chose to take this risk knowingly, and that you had been informed of the risks.

That's what the paper is for - to record your decision.

If your decision was not to take the risk and leave, that would be fine too.

I think I would have a clear sign up saying 'Due to space restrictions, we are not able to guarantee no cross contamination of gluten and other allergens' - but as others have said some people will say they didn't see it.

Whitelight25 · 21/03/2025 21:38

Coconutter24 · 21/03/2025 20:37

Why? Everyone who eats out eats at their own risk. Yes OP might ask for gluten free and as much as some places really do try their is always a risk of cross contamination and anyone who eats out takes that risk

Show quote history

The cafe should not offer gluten free options if there’s a risk of contamination. Everything needs to be separate and cleaned separately. If a cafe can’t offer that they should not put gluten free on the menu.

100PercentFaithful · 21/03/2025 21:40

Christwosheds · 21/03/2025 21:32

Cross contamination can make you ill. Eg if someone was making the salad and used tongs for the lettuce also used for bread, or cut something on a board that had just had bread on it. I am coeliac, it isn’t the same as an allergy, a small amount won’t kill you and the reaction you get is dose related, but it can give you food poisoning type symptoms, which is obviously not pleasant at any time but particularly if you are not at home.
I would have been annoyed at having to sign a disclaimer, I haven’t come across this yet. To me it would suggest that they wouldn’t be very careful and I wouldn’t go back to that cafe.

Show quote history

Thing is, it will kill you. Not at that single point in time, but repeated exposure will cause cancer in Coeliacs.

MrsCarson · 21/03/2025 21:41

I was refused service today at a cafe I've been to lots of times as I have Coeliac disease. They have fed me many times with no problem usually a jacket potato but now they won't. It was embarrassing having to leave after they had seated us.

AmIthatSpringy · 21/03/2025 21:42

Genuinely can't see what was humiliating about it

cafe was a bit daft, but nobody else would
have been interested

iamsoshocked · 21/03/2025 21:43

Hmmm. I would be tempted to go back, but print out a form declaring you have told them what you can't eat and ask them to sign it.

But then I'm very petty!
And I wouldn't actually do this!
But I would be tempted to!!

ARO0607 · 21/03/2025 21:44

I think you’re massively BU to find this ‘humiliating’, and it’s strange that you’ve taken it so personally.
I’ve worked in hospitality, and the food industry for almost 20 years. There are a lot of people who claim to be ‘coeliac’ when really they’ve an intolerance, and it’s more likely the additives in bread they can’t tolerate rather than the gluten. Coeliac disease can be really serious. The cafe likely uses outside products that they can not guarantee have come in to contact with gluten. If you look at food packaging sometimes there isn’t nuts listed in the ingredients, but it will say ‘may contain nuts’ because the factory will handle nuts.
You have to cover your back, and it won’t be that poor girls fault.