Son's girlfriend and argument.

[DancesLikeAFairy]

My son has been with his gf over one year. Not his first relationship. He has had friends in his room since he was 14 ish. I preferred him being home,rather than being out. Obviously he could go somewhere in particular, not just wandering around. We're close, but there's a big recurring argument. His gf gets bus from work Friday evening, then leaves here to go to work Monday morning. It's too much for me. At the beginning, I said that I can't afford to feed her every weekend. She now brings a ready meal or pizza, switches oven on, leaves it to heat up, then heats her dinner. She helps herself to the coffee machine a few times a day, makes tea. Leaves pile of clothes in son's room, shoes in hall, after she's left. She can't have friends or bf at her house where she lives with father, his gf, two half brothers. I'm tired of the argument with my son. I've said that I want to have the freedom of being in my home without another person here every weekend. He can't afford to get his own place.

It seems, however, that being nice is costing the OP more money than she can afford.

“low class mooch”
” shag-du-jour”

Just wow.

They’ve been together for over a year (OP’s first sentence). Not that it should matter how you talk about this young woman who may not have had a good upbringing but doesn’t deserve the hostility either.

If I were in the OP's position I would be feeling very hostile indeed toward this unwelcome interloper. And very contemptuous of her.

If the son wants free reign to invite guests, he needs to get his own place. He is a dependent in his mother's home, not an equal homeowner or contributor.

That's pretty harsh. This girl is more likely to be socially unaware than a "lowlife loser".

She isn't her guest though! OP doesn't want her there. I don't blame her. OP, is your son working full time? He should be able to afford a room in a house share.

The end result is the same. Rehabbing her or tolerating her is not the OP's problem. The son can either live cheaply under his mother's roof and see his friends elsewhere or find his own place.

I will never understand these parents who allow themselves to be walked all over by their precious boy-child. That is how we get the shit, inconsiderate, self-centered men that Mumsnetters complain about in the Relationships section each and every day.

The op is not being nice though.

There's no harm in having houserules,but her annoyance should be at her son.
He's the o e probably telling the gf that it's OK to come over.

I know she's had a word but I couldn't imagine treating my sons gf like that.

And I vet in a few years when the sons moved out.
She'll wonder why she's not being welcoming in their new house.
Actions have consequences, which the op will learn.

Actions might have consequences, but it doesn't alter the fact that the OP only has a finite amount of money. She seems to be at the end of her tether.

So you’ve called this young woman low-class mooch (which Google tells me has a different, unpleasant meaning, in US slang), interloper, twat, shag-du-jour and probably other choice names (I didn’t scroll back more than this page). Then wonder why women have such low self-esteem to put up with shitty behaviour when they’re attacked from all sides. I hope you don’t have sons.

'Mezmerised with sex'
'doesn't have much else going for her'
'lowclass mooch'
'shag-du-jour'

Christ! Pot, kettle!

I can’t imagine not making any friend or girlfriend not welcome, especially to something like a coffee are you like this with everyone? Your son must feel so awkward I would try and make her welcome and have a relationship with her x

46 🤣🤣🤣

To me, it seems OP has muddied the waters by charging “rent”. Once DS starts paying to live at home, he can start seeing himself as a tenant and feel he has to right to invite guests. My advice is for OP to decided if she wants DS to be her child living at home, who must follow house rules or does she want him to be her roommate/tenant who gets to decide who he invites to share the space he pays for.

I would increase his rent to cover the extra expenses and inconvenience of his guests. I would set boundaries with him that he is responsible for cleaning any messes his guests leave in common areas, he needs to provide food for his guests and his guests are only there if he is. If he needs to go to work, they need to also leave. The rental agreement and boundaries are with him and it is his responsibility to take care of his guests.

I see your point but it sounds like the girlfriend and the son to an extent are taking liberties, the son appears to be an adult in age but trying to live like a child having freedom without responsibilty. Allowing the girl some access to facilities is one thing but helping herself as though there is an infinite supply without any regard for the cost is another. At 20 and earning a living the son should be living like a tenant and paying a fair contribution towards the living costs of the household, of which £100/month isn't, and the son should realise that as a tenant paying rent he does not have absolute rights to anything other than living there, and should be asking permission to have his GF over on the weekends. If he doesn't like that, he should start looking on rightmove for affordable housing. They are both adults and should be expected to have the responsibilities of adults, not children.

@Garliccheeseandabagel

Excellent analysis! I noticed many of these points while reading through, too.

And we read now from @DancesLikeAFairy that on top of having a visitor every weekend, there are more visitors during the week.

There is never a quiet time.

@DancesLikeAFairy
What I learned here from MN is that especially people with disabilities, but in general every woman, should look to preserve their earning capacity, their health and their future. Seems obvious, but when you're in the middle of things and feel obligated (to something/someone), it can be hard to realize when that is sliding.

In case of disability, the rest and downtime at the weekend are likely very important. Try to protect this for yourself and reconsider also, whether you would want so many visitors during the week, too.

btw, "not liking someone" is a perfectly valid reason to not have them in the home. No-one is obligated to like their children's friends. What you make out of the situation - for example permitting them anyways for the sake of the child/adult child's friendships - is an individual decision. Of course people should be polite and civil (and maybe keep some thoughts to themselves), but that goes both ways, too. The OP is not obligated to pretzel herself; they can meet elsewhere, too.

I agree with this. I wonder how many of those voting YANBU read the OPs follow up posts. They give a very different picture to the OP.

All of this.

It was gf's choice to eat other stuff.

No, you told her she had to buy food.

I believe that if you had another person in your home Friday to Mon every weekend, you would feel differently.

Well, at different times, I've had ds's girlfriend living with us full time (for about 2 years) and then dd's boyfriend living with us (for about a year) .

I do feel very differently from you.
I feel this is (was) my dcs home too, and I was glad they felt comfortable here. I welcomed their partners, and as such they became part of the family and we worked out any difference between us.

As so many of us have said already, the issue of your dc not contributing enough to the household is the one you should be resolving.

His girlfriend sounds like she is doing everything she can to fit in, and you are just being rude and incredibly unwelcoming. This is a you problem, not a girlfriend issue.
Absolutely, you can make whatever rules you want to for your own home. You can also then wallow in your loneliness later in life when no-one wants to spend time with you.

Quite.

I'd ask your son to contribute more, maybe £150 instead of £100 as she's at yours 3 nights a week.

Just set an amount she is allowed to stay over. If it’s unhappy with it she can stay over as much as he likes when he has his own place. Your house, your rules…. But you need to be reasonable about how often she can stay.

You do when you have no money. Like the OP.

Easy forvtye gf to say she has no money etc….
But she is basically assuming the OP has much more…. Which isn’t the case

I'd find that exhausting three days a week. Good that you've cut it back to one day a week.

He can stay at her home the other nights if they want more time together.

Oh god, this reminds me of me and Dh when we met at 17. I’d often go to his on a Friday night and leave on a Sunday night. We’d buy a takeaway on the Friday night and basically stay in his room and he’d bring food up 🙈He’d do the same at mine. My parents never complained, not sure if his did 😬 quite bad that we didn’t even think about it.