Son's girlfriend and argument.

[DancesLikeAFairy]

My son has been with his gf over one year. Not his first relationship. He has had friends in his room since he was 14 ish. I preferred him being home,rather than being out. Obviously he could go somewhere in particular, not just wandering around. We're close, but there's a big recurring argument. His gf gets bus from work Friday evening, then leaves here to go to work Monday morning. It's too much for me. At the beginning, I said that I can't afford to feed her every weekend. She now brings a ready meal or pizza, switches oven on, leaves it to heat up, then heats her dinner. She helps herself to the coffee machine a few times a day, makes tea. Leaves pile of clothes in son's room, shoes in hall, after she's left. She can't have friends or bf at her house where she lives with father, his gf, two half brothers. I'm tired of the argument with my son. I've said that I want to have the freedom of being in my home without another person here every weekend. He can't afford to get his own place.

They're twenty fgs shaggin like rabbits, not married. She's upped the rent to £300, said one night a week only. That's fair. He never goes back to her family home and stays overnight.

Exactly. It’s bizarre. And inappropriate.

She was raised very, very poorly to impose on you and your home in this manner.

what bullshit.

Tell your son that adults operate their own household; they don’t mooch and impose.

So it's a DS problem then... Tell him either the gf can call over 1 night a week or he can have friends over 1 night a week.

Whatever happened to canoodling in the woods quiet places 🤣

When I was that age and we wanted a bf over, we asked permission, then when they did come over they were respectful, brought something along and behaved as if it were not their house. I will be raising my kids exactly the same. An adult isn’t automatically 18, it’s about doing everything an adult can actually do.

She has done sigh

A “long term girlfriend” staying over from 16???

You created this situation by allowing that nonsense in the first place.

People who allow their offspring to have overnight sexual partners baffle me. It’s just not something that happens in my world.

This particular girlfriend has him mesmerized with sex because she certainly doesn’t have much else going for her.

My adult dc live with me as they are saving to buy homes of their own and I am happy with this arrangement. I absolutely draw the line at partners though, no way in hell would i allow her to stay over every weekend. This is your home, say no and mean it.

I was thinking the same. Park bench, cinema, car?

My dad would have thought I’d lost my mind if I’d announced that “Nick” was staying over under his roof. That would have been nipped in the bud in 15 seconds. Had I ever even had the notion, which would have been unthinkable in our family.

Why isn't she good enough?

Oh FFS.

Encouraging them to quasi live together now increases the danger that this twat will be part of the family long-term. Doesn’t decrease it. Pandering to a lowlife user in case she pops out grandkids is not the answer.

Though I’d be expecting an out of wedlock pregnancy any day, to keep the meal ticket alive.

I should think that’s obvious.

I just caught up with the thread, didn't realise there were more pages in my haste to post!

Yep she sounds awful, way too familiar in your house Op. Wtf gives her the right to act like she lives there.

Can they try to stay at hers or won't her father allow it?

He has been raised very poorly if he thinks it is ok to treat his mother so badly.

It’s not mean to want to have at least some weekends to yourself and to not want to feed someone who invited themselves over and is then rude. Some people are real walkovers.

No it's not. With some people's bin collection being every 3 weeks a pile of pizza boxes could easily take up the entire recycling space leaving OP nowhere to put her own recycling. I doubt her DS is the one lugging the recycling to the kerb each time either and as a disabled person I'm sure the OP can do without the extra weight/bulk of multiple pizza boxes. What you don't notice when healthy can feel an unbearable burden when disabled, energy can be a very precious commodity.

@MasterBeth the key is you invited these people into your home. The OP hasn't. She is reluctantly tolerating an unwanted house guest invited by her son, both of whom are taking her for granted. That's the difference.

"I've tried just cooking for me and my son but she ran into kitchen and made toast for herself. I've tried asking her to bring food but she brings a ready meal and uses big oven."

....ok? I don't see what the problem is with that? I can't imagine caring about someone making toast or using the oven to heat their food up. You have issues.

@Zinnialime it's a poverty thing. Electric costs. Bread costs. When you can't afford to live a nice life yourself and are forced, through circumstances, to deny yourself many of the things you'd do/have if only you had a little extra money, then someone else costing you a few pounds here and there really really galls you and makes you detest them for their selfish and inconsiderate behaviour. I'm not at all surprised OP is stressed having such a person in her personal space all weekend every weekend.

Hi @DancesLikeAFairy cant you sit them both down at the breakfast table and be very firm (but nice) and say as much as you like her, going forward this is the way things are going to be. I’m entitled to my own space which I have worked for. You’re welcome to come round with a pizza for dinner every now and then but not to stay over. Done. If it’s not suitable for them they can book a B&B every week or get a job to fund rented accommodation. I would not have dared do such a thing in my parents’ home. Dared.

Like some others I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking/allowing partners to stay over at any age. My/parents house- our rules.

My sympathies OP! Had this with DD BF(luckily now an ex)Never washed and always smelt .I used to say "waters ready ,if you want a shower)He would go in meekly . Also would help himself to food .I even caught him wearing DS(at Uni) slippers once! Say to your Son they will have to find somewhere else to go at WE. you need your space .It becomes the norm far too soon if you are too soft.I know what you mean about not being brought up properly.We are a clean family .Also COL is sky high at present ,6 cups of coffee

I agree your son is not paying you enough board money, however you said he only started properly working 5 weeks ago? So I'm guessing his income was more limited until now. So up the board money.

Every weekend fri-mon does sound too much, so look at limiting it.

That being said I do think you sound a little judgemental and upright. I mean making dinner for yourselves and not offering anything for her? Grumbling about her using the oven and making toast when you've said to make her own food doesn't seem very fair. Unless there's a lot more to this I don't think it's nice to say she's not good enough for your son. You said son has friends over often too, is that continuing?

Glad you can afford it

And yes it's your son's home, but it's not his house and he isn't paying for it

Imagine your son being treated like that in someone's house.
That's an awful way to treat someone, cooking food and leaving her out.

And @DancesLikeAFairy you've the cheek to talk about the way she was brought up,when you are rude and mean.

You having no carpets is not her fault.
You having to move and going g through a divorce is not her fault.
So maybe stop blaming your troubles on her and just he nice,it doesn't cost anything.

And the girlfriend’s issues aren’t the OP’s problem.

Girlfriend is a rude, lowclass mooch.

I truly cannot imagine allowing a person like that across my doorstep. Son can see her elsewhere. His mother is providing a home for him, not him and his shag-du-jour.

I don’t think the OP should sit them both down. The GF does not live there and talking to both of them like that, without telling the DS first, makes it seem like a “house” meeting.

The GF should not feel like she has a stake, or vote, in the way things are done.