Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

You are being awful. Ever heard of the 4th trimester? The baby is literally a newborn, your and your son's needs come second.

Unbelievable.

The thought of having to give my 6 week old to people I hardly know, who’ve already villainised me, makes me feel panicky. Even the thought of having to invite them to my home and spend hours with them, whilst I was trying to recover, operate on no sleep and trying not to slip into ppd sounds horrendous. This poor teenage girl!

You posted on AIBU
People have been honest.
You don't like their honesty.
And you clearly view negatively and blame her for the pregnancy.

That said, it's the '4th trimester' so to speak for her. Of course she's going to be emotionally, hormonally, physically feel the need to be attached to her baby right now. You should remember those feelings yourself since you've had babies. He can visit the baby at her house, she's made that clear she's not withholding access like you say.

And, frankly, if he didn't want to be in this situation, he surely knew how to take precautions, like knowing who he was sleeping with, and prevent an unwanted pregnancy on his side in the first place.

So you and your son "fought like cat and dog" and this baby's parents aren't speaking to each other?

That in itself would make me wary of allowing my 6 week old to spend time with you.

Your son needs to communicate with his ex and you need to stand back and allow them to get on and do whatever is best for the baby.

He has access already which you'd know if you bothered to read the thread, and meanwhile the mother is doing all the childcare herself, all the night wakings, all the nappies, all the feeds, whilst the 'father' has his mummy bullying this poor teen girl who is recovering from giving birth. But sure, poor him hecause hes not being handed everything he demands, poor ikkle prince. 🙄

He should see the baby at the ex's house until the baby is old enough to leave the mother. I would suggest a year or two. The welfare of the baby is most important and you and your son are being too demanding.
Don't you remember what it's like too have a newborn?

Well this is a misleading title if ever I saw one!

She isn’t refusing access at all. She’s reasonable saying she wants her tiny baby to be close to the person he knows best rather than being taken off by someone he doesn’t know to an unfamiliar house, by a person who has seemingly been argumentative with her.

He spends money on his kid, what a hero

Would you call a woman amazing for having seen her newborn 4 times in 6 weeks?

It is not down to you to sort it out, "as usual" or not. They have to sort it out themselves.

Just stand back.

The bar is so low for men isn’t it. Amazing for not wanting to abandon his child? Since when did “Not being a total cuntl = “amazing”?

Yeah, not having to be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed finance everything, have all the sleepless nights and deal with all the illnesses vs someone who seen the kids 4 times is definitely her getting the better deal 🙄

They won't get to take the baby away to their house for overnights until he's quite a bit older, so they'd be wasting their money.

The young mum is absolutely right to only allow the father access at her home and when she's present for the time being. That the father doesn't like this and so isnvisiting his child regularly speaks volumes about his attitude.

So sorry nobody is kowtowing your selfish useless son.

Im thinking the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree

To be brutally honest with you - you don't sound very nice. Your attitude to this very young woman whom your son impregnated is to show no sympathy at all for her appropriate insistence that Your son's contact with this tiny baby occurs only at her home until the child is old enough to have contact elsewhere.

It’s comical isn’t it! He probably bought a pram, some nappies and has seen the baby 4 months times in 6 weeks and people call him amazing. What on earth do some men need to do to be called a rubbish dad?!

I’m not sure it’s the princely son who’s making the demands - I somehow think mummy dearest is the one tugging hard on the apron strings here to get her own way regardless of what either of the babies parents want

Yeah, I suspect you're probably right!

I can see you've flounced off with a "shame on you all", but OP, of course it is unreasonable of you to want this young woman to part with her baby for "a few hours" a week so your son can see his baby in a separate location. She can't be parted from her newborn. The newborn can't be parted from her. She is offering contact. YABU.

I don't see anywhere that people are hating on the father. It's great the father wants to be involved but expecting a 6 week old baby to go at the weekends with a grandma the mother doesn't know and just because the father feels awkward around the mother of his child to go support her at her home with baby. Work with the mother of the child to build up to healthy access and support mum and dad to get on. It's always better to sort out disagreements , open communication and enable father to Co parent successfully.

That seems to be the level of the bar for men generally on MN sadly.

Not a complete cunt 💯 of the time - he’s a great partner/father etc

The bar seems so low it’s positively subterranean at times on here

If it was my son, I'd advise him to do daily visits to see the baby for an hour or two after work, as mum has offered. He needs to get to know his baby. Start the legal process for court ordered contact or a child arrangements order as it's now called. Your son doesn't want to be in a situation in two or three years time where he's still fighting for two hours of alone time with his child.

I once read a great line on MN “The bar for men is so low it’s in a tavern in Hades”

'As a mother yourself, you ought to understand that the baby needs to stay with its mother at this age.'

Or father.

Honestly we see so many threads that some women won't leave their dc with the father to even go shopping. Here the father is offering to have it for a few hours, it's is bottle fed and it has a dgm as support.

Carry on encouraging contact with the your ds/the father at your own home not at his ex's.

I think it's still very very early days. To me it is crazy to suggest you'd take a 6 week old away from its mother in order for your son to learn how to parent without the person who's been doing 99% of the parenting present. The idea of ds being taken away from me at that stage would have felt like a bit of me was being ripped away thanks to hormones. Your son needs to step up and be a good dad yes - that means working with his Co parent to not only support baby but also to make sure he's not doing anything that could compromise his child's primary care givers mental health. He hasn't been refused access at all. Access has been facilitated in the way that works best for mother and baby which is exactly right. I'm sure you really really want to get more time with your grandchild but your needs do not trump the needs of mother and newborn. What you're talking about is something to be built up to in the future but quite frankly the way you're talking and with how overly involved you are I'd be very wary if I were the mother.

The best role you can take in this op is to hold your son to account. Make sure he's been supportive and flexible where possible and stepping up. He is no longer the priority in his own life his child and the mother of his child are and he has to stop going through you and start acting responsibility and respectfully. To have an awareness and understanding of how tough post partum recovery can be and educate himself. If I had a baby with someone who visited my child not even once a week, who (by your admission) is not confident and doesn't have the skills to be a good dad why the hell would I be shipping my newborn off with him and his family who I don't know when I could have him visit me where I know my baby is safe and he can do all the same things. It sounds like she's doing what she needs to to be a good mother and protect her child. As a grandmother you should be glad these are her instincts.

OP AIBU?
MN yes
OP no I am not