Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

Sums it up perfectly oP.

Shocking.

As a mother yourself, you ought to understand that the baby needs to stay with its mother at this age.
You're so unreasonable in this.

The baby's needs are paramount.

Your son's responsibility to the baby it's to keep it safe and calm, not to remove it from its mother for a few hours.

When I was a new mother, I wouldn't even let my mother look after the baby for longer than two hours - and that was at eight weeks, when my husband and I went out to dinner. I was unsettled the whole time we were away from our baby, although I trusted my mum absolutely.

I cant believe some of these replies. Get a solicitor ASAP and sort the access.

He's be shit on if didnt want access and is still shit on for wanting proper access.

This is why i tell my boys to always use protection. I feel for your son :(

What im getting from these responses is that your son's only job is to pay for it and accept limited access when she deems it.

How about you show me evidence from OP's self damning posts as to why I should think otherwise? All her high earning son has done so far is throw money at his ex and the baby, and attended hospital appointments. Now the baby is actually here and the real parenting begins, he can't even manage a conversation on his own with the mother of his child. What is there to suggest he'd be fine with being woken up all night with a crying baby and going to work the next day?? Nothing.

@LolaJ82you are being too sensitive. A 6 weeks old baby needs to be close to his mother, not taken away for several hours. If your DS wants to see the baby then he needs to go to the mother’s home.

You must realise that MN fundamentally despises most men, what they do, dont do, try to do, hope to do, want to do.

I think your son is amazing for wanting more access and to be there for his child.

As i said get to a solicitor asap.

And i also think its great that he comes to you and has such a supportive mother.

A court wouldn't grant a father access to a 6 week old baby for hours/days without Mum there.

He is choosing not to see his child much because he's in a mood with the Mum.

Don't be ridiculous. You can't just take a 6 week old breastfed baby off for a few hours for you all to play with.
She's offered contact at her home which you don't want. Well you are going to have to compromise. At least she is being a responsible parent unlike the rest of you.

YABU to expect a six week old to be taken to the home of strangers to satisfy YOUR need to see them.

Would you have been happy for that to happen with your son when he was a baby? I have children a similar age. I know I wouldn't have allowed it, mine were away from me max an hour at 6 weeks!

@LolaJ82 OP I didn’t read all the responses. And for full disclosure I have never been separated/divorced from the father of my children. But I have had 3 kids and none of them were away from me at 6 weeks old. Now I understand that not everyone feels the same way a but it does seem that she doesn’t want to be away from baby and sadly you have to respect that. For now as long as the baby is small he unfortunately has to go along with it. Is it ideal? No of course it’s not, but the reality is that the mum atm is not happy with it so you can’t force the issue. Also remember that she is also young (assuming she is the same age as your son) and that plays a part in her responses and obviously I don’t know her but at 6 weeks I was still very emotional and attached to my babies.

So realistically your son isn't bothered he has a new girlfriend hence why he won't go there as she's jealous. It's you driving it which is good however your putting your wants of wanting the baby at your house above a new mum because quite frankly you don't care as you don't no her.

I’m not sure. I had a baby with someone who I didn’t know very well, and had only met his family once before I gave birth. If they had demanded alone time with my 6 week old, I’d have felt really uncomfortable. I allowed them to come to my home and spend time with DD, and DD’s dad only had contact with her in my home until she was about 6-8 months. I’d leave him alone with her so he could have bonding time without me there, but I was BFing and couldn’t leave her for extended stretches of time. She started having overnights at about 10-11 months when she stopped feeding. I think if she’s allowing baby’s dad and family access in her own home then that’s not ‘refusing access’ at all.

He’s doing the right thing wanting access.

Its just too soon to take baby away from mum for more than a very brief time.

ETA the situation is less than ideal for all of them but they need to think about baby first.

Dad should accept the visits at mums house. Pushing too hard too soon may even shut that down. Not saying that would be right, but being a realist.

Send him round with a card of good wishes from you op. You don’t even know her: you might both have the potential to be friends in this child’s life if you give it a chance. Don’t start aggro with a hormonal new mum. Plenty of us think she’s in the right just now anyway.

I’m with you here OP. Your DS should be able to have his own time and space to bond with his baby and, as you say, learn to look after him. She is currently denying him that right and that’s not acceptable or fair.

Unless you’ve got dangerous animals or major health risks in your home then there is absolutely no reason why the baby shouldn’t be allowed come visit you there. Start as you mean to go on. Baby deserves to bond and spend time with both sides of his family.

If I were you I would the wheels in motion now and seek legal advice. Document all of your attempts to have time with the baby and any rebuttals.

Good luck!! X

I once read on MN that people who use laughing emojis 🤣🤣🤣🤣 in online discussions aren't worth engaging with.
I think the OP proves that point.

He's telling his Mum that he wants lots of access.

His actions don't match up though.

He prefers to hold a grudge against his child's mother than seeing actually his child.

You come across as a horrible person and I feel for the young mom who now has to deal with you and selfish childish attitude.

You think it's fine for you to take a 6 week old baby to your hour for hours or weekends without the mother? Really? And your 19 year old who makes so much money that the baby doesn't lack anything can take care of the baby?

I hope the girls mom is there to support her and help her stand up to you.

You can use smiley faces to hide all you want we know it stings that pretty much everyone thinks you're an unreasonable twat.

That's what you've chosen to get from the responses.

What they are actually saying is 6 weeks is too young for OP and her son to take the baby away for a few hours or weekends. The young mom has agreed to access it he comes to visit but he has chosen to only visit 4 times in 6 weeks.

As the baby gets older then yeah he can take the baby for a few hours, then weekends, then build up to 50:50. It's common sense, 6 weeks is too young but somehow you've interpreted it into the son is only there to provide money and she is restricting access etc.

If he truly plans to be an involved dad he should be going pretty much every evening after work to see his baby and help not sit at home and strop demanding that she allows him to take the baby home for a few hours.

It's pretty obvious that it's OP who wants access to the baby not what son. How actions don't show the actions of someone who wants to be involved in his child's life and this is all coming from OP and I'm not surprised given her immature responses here.

Just putting myself in the new mothers shoes…

She’s become a young mum (assuming she’s similar age to your son) it’s probably quite overwhelming for her as it is for many new mums.

She hasn’t met you that many times, yes your son is the father but letting your 6 week old go to someone’s house you’ve met a few times must be quite hard to do.

I would for the sake of it do as she says and over the next few months build a bond so that when she does feel ready and comfortable with you she’ll be more likely fine with you having baby at your home.

It’s quite a messy situation but they’re only teenagers, it’s early days, they’ll sort it out for the sake of the child

He has access already. He's visited the child only 4 times in 6 weeks. He throws a tantrum and runs to his mummy when he doesn't get his own way. Yep, we really, really feel for him 🤣🤣

She is not denying him access. She is asking him to visit him at her home as currently with a 6 week old she feels more comfortable there at present.

If he ought be considerate enough to honour that and give a new mum time to adjust If he could stop demanding what he thinks are his "rights" for long enough to think about the baby's "rights" he might make a better start to parenting.

Jesus wept. So she’s not refusing access, just not giving it to you on your terms. And if you and your son are choosing to not see the baby at all rather than do it on her terms then I can see her concerns. You asked if YABU, most people think you are, rather than reflect on that you’ve decided everyone else is the problem.
Tell your son to go to court then.

Why on earth would you try and take a young baby or any baby away from its mother?!

You should be trying to forge a relationship with the mother to facilitate seeing your grandchild, not deliberately antagonising her and causing her stress

What your feckless son does about child arrangements is his business and he'll always be useless if you keep doing stuff for him.

Ask to see baby at hers or welcome her and baby to your home.

Your attitude at the money is dire.