Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

The baby is 6 weeks old. Its a reasonable request that your son visits in her home for now.

🤣 quite. The double think of some people is unbelievable.
Man sees newborn 4 times in 6 weeks. Refuses to speak to mother. Tries to separate newborn from mother because he doesn’t want to be inconvenienced.
Amazing dad. The bar is in hell.

The baby is six weeks old!!!!! It does not need to be separated from its mother. Jesus wept.

@Gloriia Carry on encouraging contact with the your ds/the father at your own home not at his ex's.

You mean the baby’s home.

Not only that, SHAME on us all for not validating the OP in her wrongness

Op, I also wouldn't pay much attention to anyone saying you should just leave your son to sort it all out himself. Young parents DO need support, for a whole host of reasons and they (as well as their children) do better when they have it.

There is a difference between the OP supporting her son to sort it out and her sorting it out for him.

Op has been told - more than once to just leave him to it completely! Which is just crazy when we are talking about two teenage parents.

There's a difference between support and advice and actually being a go between because the Dad is refusing to talk to the Mum.

In ops shoes I would be supporting my son to grow the fuck up because he's a parent now, and not advising mummys special soldier that he's totally right and the woman with the 6 week old baby is being mean.

Nor would I be referring to myself and my son as an 'us' in this situation.

And if it was 13 to 18-year-old teenagers then yes
But they’re 19, and 364 days maximum they will not be teenagers

Yep you said it! This post has not gone your way which has pissed you off. Just read the many , many responses and have a think about why no one agrees with you.
Little babies need to be with mum.
Stop enabling your son and let him sort his own life out. He needs to gain mums trust as a priority. Your behaviour is hindering this.
Be very careful that your current attitude does not cause no access to baby at all.
Good luck to all of you, I hope it works out.

As per my above response, the op has been told to leave him to it completely! I shouldn't really have to be repeating this. What kind of person would actually do that to their child who has become a young parent anyway.

If you look at the time on the posts you'll see I posted less than a minute after your response above, so you really didn't have to repeat it, you chose to.

I understand those responses anyway because op is winding things up, not sorting things out. If she's making things worse then she needs to step back.

My friend had a first baby at 15, dad was 16. They are still together and parent well. Both sets of parents helped out in early days. Both sets of parents were supporting them as a couple plus fhe baby. If one set was busy asserting rights instead of responsibilities, then I expect it would not have gone so well.

I'll be brutally honest here, if this were my DS then I'd want more than 2 meetings and him declaring she was trapping him for money to decide he was off the hook. I would want him to be making a daily effort at least to be the new mum's new best friend and supporter, to bulld as healthy a coparenting relationship as possible. Less than that and I would lose respect for him.

Presumably the mother has a mother.
And that’s what the baby needs. Not these pair of clowns.

I agree. In fact in an earlier post I did say to op I'd be advising my ds to do daily visits at mums house. What I do not agree with is anyone who said that op should just leave her ds to get on with it himself. No teenager should face being a teenage parent alone. Hopefully op can take something constructive from this vipers nest of a thread. There are some sensible suggestions in amongst it.

As the parents are not together, daily visits would probably be viewed by the young mother as harassment.

Well done you for seeing your behaviour is indeed awful.
Hopefully this is a wake up for you moving forward

OP - Am I being unreasonable?

Other posters - Yes.

OP - Shame on you for saying that.

Personally, I think you are being unreasonable. This is a new, tiny baby with a new first time mother. The baby does not need to be forced away from their mother at such a young age. Great your son wants a relationship with his child and you with your grandchild, but build a relationship in an appropriate, sensitive way.

Exactly, there is a difference between supporting her son to do the right thing , which is work with the mother of the child and build bridges whilst putting baby first and finding ways together that everyone is happy with for vists , not going against mothers wishes with a 6 week old baby to be with granny and her son at granny's house and granny doing everything 'as usual ' it's not going to work , I've seen this situation a few times and it ends badly. Granny needs to support of course but in the right way and step back

Honestly I’d take it one day at a time. Nor course the baby is far too young to be away from his mum at the moment but in the future of course your son isn’t being unreasonable wanting access to his son. If I were him I’d see the baby on her terms until he’s older and then broach the subject again. If she refuses he will have to go the legal route.

Of course you’re being unreasonable. The baby is 6 weeks old. I didn’t want to let my little one out of my sight at that age. The poor woman is still deep in the trenches of postpartum & as you already said, barely knows you. She’s just carried & birthed this child - if your son wants to be a dad, he needs to suck it up, respect her wishes, support her as the mother of his child & go to her house! Not to mention the fact that he also barely knows his child & the baby barely knows him - if he really cares about being a dad, he could go & visit the baby every day at his exe’s house. I wouldn’t be comfortable handing off my child to someone who has met them a handful of times, even if it’s their dad.

To be fair, op is not the first and won’t be the last op to start an AIBU thread then get offended if posters say yes, actually, you are BU.

I think she’s probably feeling a lot of emotions at this time. It isn’t the ideal circumstance to become a grandmother, and, while it’s infinitely more about the baby than her, I can understand she probably feels anxious about being shut out of the life of a baby it would be perfectly natural for her to feel for. I can sympathise with her to that extent.

But she needs to step back and think how best to handle those feelings; going on the offensive won’t achieve much good for any of them - least of all the baby.