To ask your honest feelings about marriage

[Lilacsilk]

I have been engaged for two years and am definitely kicking the can down the road here, I think I know deep down that I don’t want to get married. Thinking about it makes me claustrophobic, despite my partner being a good guy, we have our downs but don’t we all. I vehemently don’t believe in changing my name (I know this isn’t necessary but it’s the “norm”), I am indecently pretty wealthy due to inheritance and my partner is not. Whenever I think about it, I almost feel uncomfortable. It seems to me not a proclamation of love but a dated business transaction, one in which there is zero benefit to me as the wealthy party. I have read so much about people trapped in miserable marriages, and hate the idea of this ever happening to me. I want to hear if other people have ever had apprehensions and gone ahead with it, how that worked out, or any wise words really.

You have a very disturbing idea of what constitutes a relationship.

OP, don't be naive: raising a family is a job.

But I think the marriage test is simple: do you, together, feel more than the sum of your parts? If, together, you and your partner each separately and as a couple feel stronger, more capable, happier, more stable (emotionally, socially, financially) more connected and braver than you would if you were single, then marriage is a good bet. If you feel you are carrying him, or hope he'll change, or like you'd fall apart without him, then it's unlikely to be the best thing for you.

I more meant, in response to the poster, that I do not see raising a family a "job" that requires certain qualifications such as a marriage certificate. I do not underestimate the hard work it entails, hence I am also putting that off too.

The OP was asking about the Marriage Contract, not relationships.

Surely it doesn’t matter what other people think? Some will have bad experiences, some good, some will be very against marriage, some very much pro marriage, and everything in between? It just matters how you and your partner feel and what you want and believe.

Hi OP, I was in a similar position to you. Been with partner over 20 years. Definitely wouldn't have married before kids but my views have changed since kids and our finances becoming more even. Still not married but am now considering it.

I see marriage as the biggest financial/legal contract most people are likely to enter into. I think its worth stripping out the emotion/external pressure if you can and considering it in that light.
The big factors softening my views to it are around IHT and making sure I don't leave my kids and partner in a difficult financial/housing situation when I die. I think also if you have decided as a couple you want to grow old together it is a way to plan for bigger financial changes and harder times as a team (sickness, redundancy, retirement etc).

I your situation right now I wouldn't marry. In ten years time the answer may be different though.

I recently started a thread on this - its here in case it is useful to you: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5292779-should-i-propose

I don’t want to get married. - all of the rest of my post is kind of irrelevant because you don't have to if you don't want to. However...

I vehemently don’t believe in changing my name - I didn't and a good chunk of people I know didn't. Perhaps it depends on your social circle but it's definitely a lot less common nowadays

I am indecently pretty wealthy due to inheritance and my partner is not. - if you still wanted to be married you can speak to a lawyer about this aspect to protect your assets

It seems to me not a proclamation of love but a dated business transaction, one in which there is zero benefit to me as the wealthy party. - can't really make this as a sweeping statement (although I didn't expect to, I like the 'being a unit' feel of being married and it does feel different to before we were married, although that nice feeling alone wouldn't be enough to make me get married.) But it does feel like an emotional choice as well as a practical one for me personally. If it doesn't for you - i.e. you don't 'need' the emotional or romantic angle - then again, you don't need to do it if the rest isn't relevant or useful for you

I have read so much about people trapped in miserable marriages, and hate the idea of this ever happening to me. - generally when people are 'trapped' in marriages they are either emotionally trapped (i.e. don't want to leave because of children, social judgement, fear of being alone etc - which are things that could apply outside of a marriage too) OR financially trapped by being unable to support the lifestyle they need/want by themselves which it appears you wouldn't be. So it sounds as though this wouldn't be a concern for you - there's nothing un-do-able about marriage, if you have the will and financial means to undo it

Basically I don't think you're unreasonable for not wanting to be married, but some of your objections aren't really as big as you think. Regardless, it doesn't matter if your objections boil down to 'I don't fancy it' - you're allowed not to, there's no requirement to get married. Might be a tricky conversation if your partner does buy into the romantic or emotional aspect and it's important to them, but there's no better time to have that conversation than now - the longer you leave it, the worse it'll be if that's a dealbreaker for them.

I really like being married. I didn't expect it to feel as 'special' as it does - we got married mainly for practical reasons - but it does. If that angle on it isn't something that appeals to you/sways your decision, then it sounds as though it's not for you, which is fine.

I married for love and for 'security'. All that's happened now we are divorcing is he has hidden his assets and wants half of mine.

I would never marry again and never recommend it to anyone.

Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce. The stakes are high - especially for you OP.

@researchers3 unfortunately, too common an experience.

Personally, I think you’re expressing why so many divorces turn so nasty.

You are right - marriage isn’t a declaration of love. Not marrying him is not a reflection of whether you do or do not love him.

Marriage is a serious legal contract with huge financial implications for what can be all of the rest of your life.

People forget this, go into it ‘for love’ and then some (mainly men) get really nasty when the (usually woman) ‘goes after’ what that contract they willingly signed said they would be entitled to as part of the contract.

I would re evaluate your situation if you decide to have children. It may be that you don’t work (if you were to choose not to, and wanted to be a SAHM) and he works, so over time your contributions even up. Or it may be that it remains the same, but you decide to make the commitment anyway.

Right now, in your position, no I wouldn’t get married.

There’s something very un-undoable about it for her. She could lose half of everything she’s brought to the table.

Yikes. If that's how you feel don't get married. It doesn't sound romantic at all.

I love being married (not quite a year in). I like the security and the feeling that we won't just break up. For me it's about us both having strong opinions on marriage being forever.

My reservations come from statistics, not ideology. Sure it’s great to think you’ll stay together “forever” but statistics say otherwise, and if I was one of the unlucky statistics (could be because I fall out of love, could be because my partner changes in a bad way as so many do) then I’d lose a lot.

Thanks all for the responses. It’s been really helpful to read about people who were married and are no longer, as well as people who have and it worked out. It truly does seem to be luck of the draw, and I guess that’s my problem with it really. I’m too reluctant to surrender to the unknown when the stakes are high, and if that makes me unromantic I guess so be it!

It makes you sensible. My husband and I got married without really thinking beyond loving each other, and had absolutely nothing at the time. If we were to divorce, we would happily and justifiably split everything down the middle (we now have a lot, we built it entirely together). However, I don’t think either of us would ever do the same thing again if we were at a point of thinking about remarriage, because now we have money and assets to think about, and signing that dotted line is basically agreeing to give up to 50% of it up, even if the divorce isn’t what you wanted, isn’t your fault, and is the result of someone leaving you for someone else.

I think marriage when assets are brought to the table is hugely different to when they aren’t.

I wouldn’t get married again (married now)
I would also keep my own house, whether I’d live with someone, maybe, but I’d like the financial security of separate houses and accounts
it doesn’t sound like you want to get married, so don’t. Enjoy just being together, I would however take legal advice to make sure what was mine was protected in law

First marriage (with kids) didn't last. Only 9 years. All kinds of unanticipated misogynistic shit (which I went along with!). I lost a lot, was a SAHM for several years, my career suffered etc.

Next relationship (no further kids) - for 15 years we each had our own property assets, but lived together; own bank accounts and discussed finances but didn't share any particular details or have joint accounts. Worked in similar industry so it was evident we were both solvent.

It all felt very equal, and that every night we spent together (pretty much 100% of the time) was a positive choice we were making, not an entrapment where we didn't have an option other than staying together.

When we did eventually get married, it was both a warm declaration of love, and a practical benefit (getting older, inheritence, pensions etc.) Both of those aspects were completely OK for us. In our younger days, I benefited more from his higher earnings (self-employed), now he benefits more from my final salary index linked pension.

It doesn't feel remotely like an 'institution' if you marry the right person; I adore my husband of 20 years, love being married and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Don't marry if you don't want to but it might call into question your commitment.

What about UK inheritance tax allowances for married couples?
The more you have, the more it affects you. I am not saying you should marry, you probably shouldn’t as you could lose out in a split, but IHT is a consideration.

btw I am 30 years in and did it young. We had children. Yes, I would do it again.

Wouldn’t do it if I knew then what I know now…

You have to do you OP but personally I love being married. I had been with DH 8 years before getting married but marrying him really secured our status as a unit, and each other’s first priority. Are you committed to being with your partner? Are your doubts about marriage or about the relationship? I have more money than DH but I want to share it with him.

Yes I am committed, wholly monogamous and would even be open to purchasing property and putting a decent percentage in his name if we had children. I believe in being reasonable. But - the whole lot of what is mine shared with somebody who could very well end up divorcing me in 10 years time through no fault of my own? That I cannot risk. I also believe that as a woman, my independence and safety is the most important thing and must always come first. It's part financial, part principles that cause me to struggle with marriage as an idea.

Civil partnership.is an.option if you don't want to to get married.
Or just stay as you are...your choice.

I agree, it's the absolute blind trust and faith in someone... and the slightly naive belief that they would always do 'the best thing'.

I totally love my dh, totally trust him. But then so does everyone when they make that commitment. (see my previous post where it took me 15 years to make that commitment). I've experienced too many stories where people (both male and female) are decent and honest - until they're getting divorced. Then either family / friends / an aggressive lawyer push the agenda and suddenly there's a claim on a pension, or an inheritance, or assets accrued prior to marriage.

The fact is that marriage is a beautiful and wonderful public declaration of love AND it is also a legal and financial contract. Those two things get intermingled. And it it right to look at every aspect before you make those declarations.

It sounds so cold. Maybe marriage just isnt right for you.