To ask your honest feelings about marriage

[Lilacsilk]

I have been engaged for two years and am definitely kicking the can down the road here, I think I know deep down that I don’t want to get married. Thinking about it makes me claustrophobic, despite my partner being a good guy, we have our downs but don’t we all. I vehemently don’t believe in changing my name (I know this isn’t necessary but it’s the “norm”), I am indecently pretty wealthy due to inheritance and my partner is not. Whenever I think about it, I almost feel uncomfortable. It seems to me not a proclamation of love but a dated business transaction, one in which there is zero benefit to me as the wealthy party. I have read so much about people trapped in miserable marriages, and hate the idea of this ever happening to me. I want to hear if other people have ever had apprehensions and gone ahead with it, how that worked out, or any wise words really.

@coldcallerbaiter what I’ve read recently suggests prenups may be binding if drawn up properly - at least 28 days before the marriage takes place and each person getting independent advice. I think you’d need a solicitor to advise and draw one up.

Looking at this myself atm because my DP of 14 years is keen to get married and there are certain financial advantages, but our financial positions are quite different.

I wouldn’t get married in your situation OP. It’s harsh but unless you are the poorer partner or are both of similar wealth I wouldn’t get married.

If you were elderly I’d suggest getting married for inheritance tax purposes though.

So don’t marry. At whose instigation did you get engaged? It’s an institution freighted with historical misogyny. We actually had to marry for a practical reason, but I wouldn’t have otherwise, and would have opted for a civil partnership had they been available to straight people then.

But I think you need to think whether it’s the financial risk or the gendered freight of marriage that’s disturbing you.

Overrated experience

Don’t get married.

But if you love your partner think about how they build their own security: if you live in your house are they building their own savings / pension / property?

Would you support them through unemployment, illness?

Talk about your commitment to these things.

Who suggested marriage? Is your DP financially secure?

If you were a man and had this view I would say fair enough UNLESS you had kids or were planning them. As childbearing puts women at such risk unless they have home and financial security. Also if you have kids would your DP be a SAHD? In which case, again, there needs to be security for their having given up their own income.

I felt pretty ambivalent about getting married. I am F and sole earner for most of time and owned house - DH was SAHP most of time came to marriage with no wealth.

With genders swapped everyone would tell the SAHP to get married for 'security'. We had kids first and then got married - basically so DH would have rights to house and kids if I died - so 'security' for family.

Yes, I was sort of uncomfortable that it meant he now had rights to house/pension/income if we split but that is what happens if you are a family or a partnership. And him being the SAHP enabled me to progress through my career like a 1950s man and still have children and family life I wanted.

So question I think I'd ask is l: are you expecting your partner to stand entirely on his own financially - in which case don't marry or get pre-nup. If you think you want to be a unit have open discussion about what you are bringing to the partnership and see whether an all-in legal contract which is what marriage is, is appropriate.

The party and promises you can do in a myriad of other ways.

Ask yourself
"Am I confident I can run a successful small to medium business with this person".
Because that's basically what marriage is.

It think It's overrated from what I see unless you have children. Since you're independently wealthy, I wouldn't.

Don't do it.

Its a massive risk for the wealthier person.

Really evaluate him. Would you be happier with someone on a more equal footing?! TBH, even at that I don't see the point in marrying at all.

I was the one with the potential inheritance. Once the ring is on the finger, they thing they are on easy street. They ve bagged their life endowment plan and safety net. Would you advise a hypothetical daughter to commit in similar circumstances?

Honestly, probably a bit of both.

If/when we have children, he would never be a SAHD due to his work, I have flexibility to work from home so would also do the vast majority of parenting, realistically.

I did think it was probably a typo but at the same time, I love the idea of being 'indecently wealthy'!

If you are having doubts about marriage, do not get married. I've been with my partner for 22 years. We are very happy and I fully intend and expect to be with him forever, but we aren't married and I don't feel the need or the desire to marry.

I came from a broken home so wanted stability for my children. I got married at 19 and have been married for over 35 years now. I changed my name, of course, as I wanted us all the have the same name. I think I was lucky in that I chose a good one😅

I was married the first time before I left. No abuse, it had just run out of steam, and our children had their own lives by then.

Remarried and was happily married for 23 years until he died.

I don’t regret either marriage - and I’m glad I gave my kids the stability of a settled home. 👍

DH and I are the kind of people marriage was designed for. We are far stronger together than apart. We have better lives together than we would have done apart. We have been far better parents as a team than we would have been individually. We have supported each other through exceedingly tough times, have been the strength to each other's weaknesses. We like each other, have lots of shared interests, values, humour.

I do feel hemmed in at times - but we've been married 30 years, so that's understandable. But I go off and do my own thing often, holidays with friends, or on my own, working away. He's more a homebody.

Cousin was widowed twice and they both left her and the kids in the shit, huge debts, baliffs etc.

Now married to a really lovely man, who we all know isn't the love of her life, but both of them fit together well and make each other really happy.
If lightening strikes a third time, she'd be in a much better position, not overly so to be honest (he's not a millionaire by any stretch, just sensible and not so bloody useless with money) but at least there'd be no baliffs and a roof over her head this time.

Marriage is for love for some, and a business transaction for others. Only you know which one you are.

Marriage was the right decision for me when I got married – equal income, wealth etc. I also didn't change my name and have not given up my independence, income and career trajectory when having children.

I likely would not get married again, if the situation arose, because I have too much money now and it would complicate the inheritance for my children.

I think your reasons for not marrying are valid. I would disagree if you want children and your partner wanted to take on the stay at home dad role, because he is entitled to the financial protection.

I am married and it has been a huge safety net for me. I went through some tough times mentally and physically and had to stop work. My husband supported me unquestioningly through everything and this allowed me to put my limited energy into raising our family. It hasn’t been a bed of roses but it has been an unbreakable partnership

Don't do it... you don't sound like you need a ring on your finger. And yes should things go tits up then dh can fleece you

Welcome to the average man's world.

Marriage is literally a contract. Works for some, not others.

But it does signify a significant commitment to another person, some people respect this and believe it means something. I think that when children are involved, people saying they are against marriage is somewhat pathetic, you've had children, you WILL be tied to the other adult for at least 18 years. I always judge people who have children but are against getting married. Some people will disagree with me, that's fine.

Chiseltip

Thanks for your response, I'm genuinely curious why you think it would be pathetic for me to have children yet not get married. Yes, if we split up we'd be tied for 18 years but I wouldn't stand to lose massively financially, surely?

OP I was engaged to my ex and, like you, kicked the can down the road for a long time before we eventually split up. I just had too many doubts and knew ultimately it wasn't what I wanted.

With DH, I knew the second I met him that I wanted to marry him. We were engaged and married within 2 years of our first date and I couldn't be happier.

The reasons don't matter. If you have any doubts at all for any reason, don't do it.

I got married because I was the poorest party. DH will inherit generously as it stands; I won't. We discussed this before we made the decision, no mutual children involved.

Because you are effectively just playing house. Doing a job without the contract.

Think of the message it sends to the children.

"I am committed to your Father, just until you turn 18"

It's like renting a house, but telling people you own it.

I don't see choosing to raise a family as a job, certainly not one that requires any contract to do successfully. And who knows, we may stay together forever, not out of obligation to a contract, but by choice. That can also teach children solid lessons about love and respect.