To ask your honest feelings about marriage

[Lilacsilk]

I have been engaged for two years and am definitely kicking the can down the road here, I think I know deep down that I don’t want to get married. Thinking about it makes me claustrophobic, despite my partner being a good guy, we have our downs but don’t we all. I vehemently don’t believe in changing my name (I know this isn’t necessary but it’s the “norm”), I am indecently pretty wealthy due to inheritance and my partner is not. Whenever I think about it, I almost feel uncomfortable. It seems to me not a proclamation of love but a dated business transaction, one in which there is zero benefit to me as the wealthy party. I have read so much about people trapped in miserable marriages, and hate the idea of this ever happening to me. I want to hear if other people have ever had apprehensions and gone ahead with it, how that worked out, or any wise words really.

Why not just hand over 50% of your finances? In real that’s all a marriage contract would achieve in real terms for you.

On MN so many are living the other end of marriage where typically the woman’s experience is that marriage equates to a financial penalty through loss of earning potential as the primary carer.

You couldn’t pay me £100M to get married. I have absolutely no interest in it

Op I adore it I love that dh and I are married even though we got married a good few years after dc born and buying a house I just adore it and him obviously 😂.maybe you haven't found the right man you hear of these commitment phones who never marry like George colony and then... Sham.

I’m exactly in the same situation as @Chocolate85 only a bit longer.
DH and I have some ups and downs from time to time, I do love to have a breakfast on my own from time to time or claim a living room for sole use but otherwise I love being married to him. Marriage is right for me but it might be not right for you and it’s fine.

I got married as I wanted my wife to know she is the most important person in the world to me. Neither of us are religious, we didn't have a big ceremony, and neither of us made a big deal of it with our friends. It was not about any of that stuff for me. I didn't consider finances for one second either, as I would happily share everything I have with her. As it turns out, we have been through highs and low financially and in health, and she is still the best thing to ever have happened to me. I wouldn't change a thing (apart from the health lows).

Don’t get married, you don’t want to.

Perhaps it’s just my age/demographic but out of the 5 weddings I’ve been to recently:

• 1 bride took the groom’s surname
• 1 groom took the bride’s surname
• 1 bride added the groom’s surname to her own surname
• 1 couple both double-barrelled their surnames
• 1 couple each kept their own surname

So I don’t think there is a “norm” anymore!

Nobody is forcing you to get married. So, don’t. But, you need to be honest with your partner.

You could put your ‘indecent’ wealth in a Trust to protect it for you and your children.

If you truly loved him you would be prepared to risk half of your wealth to be with him. Money can't buy love.

If you’re the wealthier of higher income partner, getting married makes no sense at all. You will lose big time if things go wrong. Not a chance would I get married in your situation.

I’m married to my best friend, there has undoubtedly been very hard times but equally the best times together. He’s my safe space and even the times when I cannot stand to look at him, he’s the one I can’t wait to see at the end of the day.
Things may change in the future, who knows, we might grow to hate each other or somehow he may fall in love with someone else and we might split but that’s a bridge we hopefully won’t need to cross.

We got married because we wanted to, no second thoughts, no questioning or pausing. I would get married again in a heartbeat ( a much quieter and simpler wedding though)

If you’re unsure then talk to him about everything you’re thinking and feeling! Marriages are what you make them, you create the rules of what works for you, you don’t need to change your name, you could do a prenup , you get to decide what you want and if it’s marriage then great, if it’s a long engagement then that’s great too, as long as he is on the same page as you.

edited to add, he is a lot wealthier than me. He had a house and a very comfortable life but I did not. We now own a home together and he says what’s his is mine but I work incredibly hard to make sure I pay my own way and don’t rely on him.

Don’t be ridiculous. A piece of paper isn’t proof of love and it’s totally unnecessary.

Would you marry someone richer?

Tell him, it's not fair to keep up the pretence that you want to marry him.

I’m not sure what you’re struggling to make sense of.
I chose to give my kids his name and I chose to take it, no one was forced to do anything.

Yes, we could have given the kids and DH my name or double-barrelled them but we decided to take his. I have friends whose husbands took their name, would that be ok? Or is your issue just with women taking husbands names?

My approach to marriage was that it’s a decision to toss your lot in with the other. Dh and I have both brought significant money to our marriage. I honestly couldn’t tell you who had more over the years because we don’t count the pennies like that. But for me, the point is that we made a conscious decision to practically and financially support the other, hopefully for life.

You never know what life is going to bring your way. I have cancer and the nature of my treatment means I’m unlikely able to work for the next year and I left work last June. While I have received some sick pay from work, that has ended now, and all the responsibility falls on Dh to take care of me financially. Could he do this without marriage? Of course. But it’s the choice we made to fuse ourselves legally and financially.

I’d be pretty sad if he didn’t want to marry me because he was afraid I’d go after his money. While the decision not to marry may benefit you financially long term, I would worry if it would damage the relationship if your justification is all about money. I’m not sure I’d want to be with someone who thought so little of me. That doesn’t mean you should get married and it’s wrong not to. Don’t if you don’t want to. But be conscious of what it might mean you feel about your relationship.

Absolutely do not get married without a pre nup.

10 years ago I would have agreed but now I really don’t.
I was with the wrong person. Now I have my person. We have our ups and downs but the good times outweigh the bad times and I am equally as responsible when things go wrong.
I love being married and everything that comes with it. It takes time and patience but I’m happy.

Married 25 years. Have never had any doubts about it. Feel very lucky

I earn more than my DH, have more savings and will inherit more. So, financially, it may not benefit me to be married, should the worst happen. But, weirdly, I think I'd be OK with that. I took my marriage vows seriously and would wish to play fair, should we separate

I feel that, for me, marriage is far greater commitment than living together. Others may disagree

But if you don't want to get married, then you shouldn't. End of

We need to totally rethink marriage and take it back to it's real role as a legal, financial contract. People entering it need to understand what exactly they are signing up to but I would support more flexibility in what that legal contract contains. So you may legally sign up to a total sharing of finances or each paying a percentage into a shared pot etc. And it then needs to be resigned every 5 years but each partner can request a renegotiation at any time.

I have been very happily married for 34 years. I entered it with no doubts but did have a pre-nup because when we married DH had nothing but prospects and I had my own assets.

DH's career took off.

We were and are evenly matched: politics, religion, race, aspirations, etc.

I entered without a doubt. I still have no doubts. That being so, even when marriage is successful, there are challenges and compromises along the way and I don't think marriages with cracks or doubts at the beginning survive.

I have a happy marriage. If anything werento happen to DH, I'd never marry again.

Only do it if entering into the contract benefits you.

There's nothing romantic imo about marriage.

I got married because I wanted children and knew I would, as the woman, be most likely to be the one taking the career hit (this is statistically true although it didnt actually turn out to be the case with us after all) and I wasnt doing that without the contract that said if I spent years raising our kids and then he fucked off, I was getting half the house and his pension.

Basically if he fucks around then fucks off, goody's getting paid.

We've been married best part of 30 years now. We started out together with nothing.

I think that makes the decision easier.

You are wealthy and your partner is not. That's one reason not to marry. However, if one of you was giving up or reducing their ability to make their own money in order to support the family unit in other ways then they shouldn't do that without the protection of marriage.

As with many things it's a case of weighing up the pros and cons of your personal situation.

That's nonsense, since when does love require financial stakes? Also, she could love him as hard as she likes, but that won't stop the real possibility that he could get bored and decide to cash-in.

I feel you. I'm thinking the same thing. I think this is a good argument to get married young. When I was young, dumb, broke and in love it would have been simpler.

I'd do it for a hundred million, even if I had to hand over half that sum after the inevitable divorce.