To ask your honest feelings about marriage

[Lilacsilk]

I have been engaged for two years and am definitely kicking the can down the road here, I think I know deep down that I don’t want to get married. Thinking about it makes me claustrophobic, despite my partner being a good guy, we have our downs but don’t we all. I vehemently don’t believe in changing my name (I know this isn’t necessary but it’s the “norm”), I am indecently pretty wealthy due to inheritance and my partner is not. Whenever I think about it, I almost feel uncomfortable. It seems to me not a proclamation of love but a dated business transaction, one in which there is zero benefit to me as the wealthy party. I have read so much about people trapped in miserable marriages, and hate the idea of this ever happening to me. I want to hear if other people have ever had apprehensions and gone ahead with it, how that worked out, or any wise words really.

Marriage gave me a needed feeling of security being the lower earner who did all of the childcare. Divorced now with adult kids and much more comfortable financially and I wouldn't get married in my current situation.

I think it depends on if you are meeting later in life or if you want to create a family with joint kids and share everything.

I’m married, never changed my name. Have never felt suffocated. We’ve had ups and downs and feel we understand each other so much better now that the love is stronger (sorry if that sounds a mushfest but feel very lucky). Never thought about it in terms of business transaction. Each to their own. If getting married is causing you worry, then don’t.

I wish I'd had this clarity of thought with my first marriage. I had all the assets, was the (far) higher earner. In the end, when we divorced, after a very short marriage, and the judge decided our clean break settlement was inadequate, I wrote a 3 page missive (with spreadsheets!) as to why it was fair, and it was signed off.
I did subsequently remarry, with an equal partner, and the marriage was to protect our son, our contributions (on both sides), and to have that public celebration. Would I have done it with a partner who brought significantly less to the party? No.

I love being married.
we have been together 26 years.
we’ve grown up together.
we are a family.
My kids have their fathers name.
I have my name. It’s really not an issue.
we’ve been lucky over the years our parents have given us financial help. It all goes into the same pot. Anything beyond our mortgage is saved for our kids.
he’s been there for the good times and the bloody awful times.
we are family. He drives me nuts on occasion. But I love him.
I know I am lucky.
I don’t think I’d ever marry again though & I do have plenty of happily unmarried friends ☺️

I am happily married for over 30 years. No regrets, I would do it again.

But if you don't want to do it, then don't! No good can come of something you don't want to do.

There are some serious legal advantages to being married: tax breaks and benefits, but also very importantly if you or your partner dies without a will, the surviving partner will not receive anything automatically. Also much easier to contest an unfair will if married. Everyone thinks it wouldn’t happen to them, but is it really worth the risk of a huge legal bill when it could be avoided with a trip to the registry office in your jeans with two mates as witnesses?

Don’t do it.

you have too much to lose and a high chance your marriage would end in divorce.

do all the other things eg mirror wills and discuss medical issues, next of kin etc etc. do it all apart from marriage.

Listen to your gut.
Don’t get married.
Many marriages dont work out. My friend lost a pension she had paid into since she was 18 and half the equity in her house. She got burned given she was the higher earner.
As for him, he gave her nothing but a load of worry and an STI.

If I were you I’d opt for a permanent engagement. That’s what I’ll be doing next time around! (I’ve assets that will be going to my kids and no one else regardless of how ‘in love’ we are!)

I REALLY struggled with the idea of of marriage my whole life.

My mum married 3 times and my dad married 4 times. They both said the other changed overnight after marriage. They hated each other.

Then there is the whole patriarchy of ownership and up till the late 90s, marital rape was legal. So when you sign a marriage contract, the government can change the terms of it! Who is to say they won't change the terns for the worse in the future?

And the name change thing. I don't like the idea of losing your identity as a woman and even your title changing. It isn't fair or equitable.

I would even say I had a phobia of it and the tern "wife" made me sweat.

However, when I met my husband, things changed.

He is absolutely THE ONE. I adore him and he me. We discussed thoroughly the terms of marriage for several years.

My title is Ms, not Mrs.
We wear rings on the right hand, not left.
We kept our own last names, and double barrelled with a brand new made up name, which our daughter has, so she isn't named after a man.
We got married by a priestess in a goddess temple.
We renew our vows every 2 years.

We've been married just over 4 years and I can report the following extra benefits:

My sleep is better
My nightmares have significantly reduced (I have PTSD)
I feel less insecure... I have a feeling of groundedness that I've never experienced before
I feel like I can truly be my full, entire self
I am "regular" for the first time in my life (this is a very unexpected perk)

So if you really love each other, discuss everything first. Marriage is a legally binding contract so you both want to be happy with ALL the terms of it.

I don't think it's of any benefit to women. Not straight relationships any way.

I'll be advising my daughter to avoid it and concentrate on other things and live her life for herself.

I feel sad when younger relatives get married

I’d love that!

If deep down, you don’t want to get married, don’t. It’s really that simple.

Most of my younger friends getting married now have kept their maiden names. I think it's quite common these days so if you don't want to change it, don't!

My DH and I were fairly equally wealthy before marriage but I have given up work to look after dc. I wouldn't have done that without the security of marriage. I also feel emotionally more secure post marriage.

But I have a friend who was the wealthy one and lost hundreds of thousands in her divorce to her feckless now-Ex. They'd only been married for two years! In that case I can really see the appeal of not getting married or having a prenup.

Totally agree. I'm the same. My DH is wealthy and much older than me. If he died first I would never remarry, for financial reasons.

In your situation, I would not marry and risk losing half of my inheritance in a divorce.

Turn it on its head - why would you get married?

It is 100% a business transaction, that's the sole reason we got married.

Love isn't a good reason to make a legally binding contract.

Edited to add, neither of us changed name or title and we didn't tell anyone because its just a financial agreement.

Marriage is a legal contract which is of fundamental importance to the security of the vast majority of women, most of whom have children and take a hit to their earning capacity. For those women in the OP’s position, there are fewer benefits, but there are still benefits both financial and emotional.

I have been with my DP 10 years and we have a child together. I came into the relationship with a lot more than him, financially. I don't want to get married for the reason that we have different attitudes to money - he is not a saver whereas I am. I have made careful decisions with my money over the years, making investments, whereas he is of the view that "if you have it, spend it".

The only joint financial thing we have is a joint account - we pay 50% of bills and food shop / clothes for DD etc.

I use the income from my investments for the good of the family, and we all benefit from me bringing in more money than him, but the capital is mine and I absolutely wouldn't give him 50% of that in the event of splitting.

I don't need the protection of marriage. I have a good job and could manage by myself no bother if we split. I can provide for our child. I have planned for the future.

Only marry if it benefits you.

if you are independently wealthy then you should protect your independence at all costs. Either stay single or have a prenup.
Marriage is mostly hard, suffocating, disappointing, frustrating, and boring.

Ugh, after 20+ years I finally decided to leave my controlling ex who put me through the most protracted and painful divorce, lied and ripped me off. I don’t think I’ll ever get over being treated like that by someone who was supposed to love me the most, and he did it smiling and gleeful that he was doing that to his kids too. I’m now engaged and although I love him to bits, I don’t think I want to be legally tied to a man again. I don’t think I can face it.

I am married, mid 40's, been married since we were 31. I kept my own name. I wouldn't marry again.

We are mostly happy together, he's lovely and we have fun but if we didn't have DC I would have probably left ages ago because it does sort of feel claustrophobic like others have said. DH would be horrified and upset if I said that to his face .

In my first house I owned it on my own and lived alone. I often fantasise to living alone again by the sea in a little flat.

Of the 3 other couples who got married at the same time and age as us 2 of the couples are now divorced and both say they wouldn't marry again.

Definitely don’t do it, unless you are indecently wealthy. 😂

What is everyone’s opinion on the effectiveness of pre-nips? I never hear any feedback on how they act work out in a split situation. Just that they are not binding, but still a good idea, that’s much if a guarantee for such an important matter