Should I propose?

[MrsWollstonecraft]

Been with DP over 20 years. We are a good team, want to grow old together. Not married. Help me decide if we should be.
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I want to protect and provide for our 2 DC. When one of us dies I don't want the other being left in a complicated mess. But I struggle with the idea of sharing mine and my families financial assets with a man, and potentially his family (relationships are all good, I just don't like the idea). Since becoming parents my earnings have reduced, he contributes more for joint expenses, I do more unpaid work for the team. Sharing our assets will benefit him financially more than me.

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When we met I was focussed on career, financial independence was very important to me. I earned well (much more than him) and saved. Didn't think I wanted DC. I was strongly anti marriage - I see it as a huge financial contract and I couldn't see what was in it for me. I had more money, didn't want to share my hard earned assets with anyone else, hated the symbolism of being a responsibility transferred from my dad to a husband.
Fast forward and I've mellowed. I've seen marriage protect a friend who divorced, and simplify affairs and protect assets for the remaining partner and DC after death. We have DC 8 and 3. I find being a parent the most meaningful and fulfilling thing I've done. I think a stable committed home is good for children.
Our finances are also getting more even. In the last decade I've reduced my earnings - moved to a lower paid sector, took Mat leave, went PT, currently SAHM. Will restart my career when youngest starts school. DP has gradually moved up the payscale and has been the higher earner since we had DC. Likely he will have a better pension.
We pay in to a joint account to cover shared household expenses based on earnings. I still pay in despite being a SAHM at a level we both think is fair. Asset wise I have more - our property is mortgage free and owned as tenants in common, 75% mine, 25% his. We have similar amounts of savings, right now he is building his up, I'm spending some of mine. Both likely to inherit from parents (hopefully not soon), likely more to me as his will split between more siblings.

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So, should I propose?

YABU - no, don't marry. Keep your finances separate and use your wills to protect your family and make your wishes clear.
YANBU - yes, you are being daft, get married.

If you died, would there be inheritance tax to pay? Would there be a risk he'd have to sell the house and move the children somewhere else? (Same for if you died, but obviously you own more of the house, so more IHT).

Unrelated to marriage, if you both decided that it worked for your family for you to be a SAHM, I don't see why that's reducing your savings while he's still building his up. Is he paying into a pension for you?

You can still be married and tenants in common. I would keep that aspect.I would only get married if you want to get married to be husband and wife. Not for practical reasons, 9/10 you can sort the practicalities another way.

Do you need to be his next of kin for any practical reason?

Does he want to get married? Have you discussed the pros and cons between yourselves?
It seems clearer from a financial perspective if you do, but perfectly possible to stay unmarried.
If it’s a small wedding and not a huge, expensive, argument inducing/stressful thing then it might be good.
Having been married I always said I would never again, but I’m more and more open to the idea, with the right person, and liked being a wife. For purely emotional not financial reasons.
Would a civil partnership serve the same purpose?

Is he a romantic type, like you? 😂

Sorry - I can’t help. Marriage is about none of what you’ve written about in your OP, for me.
Maybe see a solicitor/financial adviser?

Yes - there would be IHT when I die. When he does maybe not, yes if he has inherited. This is my main reason - it feels negligent to put DP and DC in the position where there is uncertainty around their home if they lose me when there is an easy solution to avoid it.
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I agree with your point on savings, but we've chewed it over and it works for our set up. I'm a SAHM by accident rather than mutual plan. I took redundancy, timing was perfect given the ages of the kids, yes I do more household stuff for the team but its easy and enjoyable and I'm basically having a lovely time-limited mid career holiday with more time for my own interests than he has and time for all the family and friends stuff that is hard to find when you are working. It doesn't feel fair for him to fund that fully when I've had a decent redundancy payment and we've had times when we've split costs equally but my higher earnings mean I've been able to save more.

I didn't know that - I thought that marriage would effectively make everything 50/50? If thats right then thats a game changer as it basically deals with my main financial concern.
I have thought about sorting stuff in other ways, but its a lot of admin - marriage is attractive because it is an understood framework, making something up ourselves seems a bit silly?

I don't know? The only one I can think of would be in a serious medical situation, and given relationships with immediate family are good I can't think of a situation where I wouldn't be involved. Obviously its best not to leave this to chance, but its not an immediate concern.

We are both quite practical(!), he's got a similar view to me, its more about being in the right financial/legal set up than the emotional side.
We definitely wouldn't have a wedding - I think we'd both hate that! (We do like parties, just other peoples, not ours!). In fact, if we did do it I think my preference would be not to tell anyone, obviously thats quite extreme so would be something we'd have to talk through and agree on!
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I did follow the heterosexual civil partnership case with interest, I think I even donated. I thought it may have been an option, but I've changed my mind a bit on the idea of marriage, and I guess I'm now more of the feeling that if you are going to bother to do something you may as well just get on with it and do it within the structure of something that has worked for a long time rather than trying to make it fit your own opinions?

Haha - I get it, I know I sound ridiculous! For me there is nothing that kills a romantic moment more than the thought of a huge financial contract. I'm also very glad I don't live in a world where everyone thinks this way!

And thankyou everyone who has commented - it is really helpful.

it sounds to me like the marriage would not be financially unbalanced or unfair to either you or DH. And it does give long term stability and more certainty about what would happen in the event of a tragic early death etc.

So yes, go ahead and propose!

Cripes. Perhaps I should. Well an occasion like this surely calls for a spreadsheet and full list of pros and cons. Wonder if he'll say yes? 😆

I'm going up be honest and it might sound a bit harsh.....

It seems like you had no interest in marriage when you were in the financially better position and wanted to protect your interests but now you are on a more equal footing and it looks like he will have a better pension you don't feel so daunted by marriage as a huge financial contract. Although giving him equal equity in your shared home is still off the table.

I don't think there is anything wrong with protecting your interests but you do come across as being a bit mercenary.

It does sound like you have a good relationship but if he views things as practically as you then he may feel it's not in his interests to get married now.

You make a fair point!

I'd say its important to both of us that things are fair financially - a decision that leads to one of us feeling we've lost a negotiation wouldn't be something either of us would want. Much easier to do when things are more equal so I've found seeing things from the SAHM perspective interesting.

Its interesting wondering how this works for much less financially equal relationships, I'm thinking more like a Darcy/Elizabeth Bennett situation - which is far far removed from my own. Would be fascinating to talk to men in that position to see how they approach it - but its not something I come across in the circles I move in!