To ask your honest feelings about marriage

[Lilacsilk]

I have been engaged for two years and am definitely kicking the can down the road here, I think I know deep down that I don’t want to get married. Thinking about it makes me claustrophobic, despite my partner being a good guy, we have our downs but don’t we all. I vehemently don’t believe in changing my name (I know this isn’t necessary but it’s the “norm”), I am indecently pretty wealthy due to inheritance and my partner is not. Whenever I think about it, I almost feel uncomfortable. It seems to me not a proclamation of love but a dated business transaction, one in which there is zero benefit to me as the wealthy party. I have read so much about people trapped in miserable marriages, and hate the idea of this ever happening to me. I want to hear if other people have ever had apprehensions and gone ahead with it, how that worked out, or any wise words really.

Why not have a non legal marriage? You could have a celebrant and a ceremony and promise each other love and commitment without the fear attached? It could be beautiful and romantic!

I never thought I was the marrying type when I was growing up. I got married because I fell in love. And nearly 10 years on we are still very happy.
If I felt any ambivalence I wouldn't do it.

In your situation you would be crazy to get married.

Marriage is only really a good idea if you are the lower or non earning partner. If you have your own money you are basically playing Russian Roulette with your own financial security.

Then add into the mix that you don’t want to. (I’m like you: I hated being married and found it unbelievably stifling). Don’t do it. You can stay together/live together but marriage is a huge legal and financial white whale which you will regret.

OP is not being cold, she's being realistic. Almost half of all marriages end in divorce, and of those who remain married, still more are estranged or trapped in unhappy marriages. It would be arrogant for OP to think her luck would be any different from half the population. Nobody enters into marriage expecting it to fail or be unhappy, but it is a very real prospect never the less.

I said it SOUNDS cold. Which it does, Realistic or not. I don't think it's arrogant to believe your own marriage won't fail? This is optimistic and positive thinking. However, if the OP has such doubts she shouldn't get married.

Marriage generally protects the financially weaker party, normally the woman. So I agree it’s a business transaction based mainly on money (and historically land), but there is an element of true love there that says that both parties agree that they bring equal value to the table, that they are willing to combine their resources and work together, and that they will support the other if times get tough. That latter element is why I got married, to me the financial tie was a very important declaration of love, trust and commitment.

BUT I did so when we were both young and relatively poor. I wouldn’t do it again now I don’t think. Certainly not something to take lightly and I wouldn’t blame you if you decided not to particularly if you’ve had a few downs.

where I live, not in the UK, the couple decides, upon getting married, whether to partake in the 50/50 regime, whereby should you divorce you split the assets down the middle, or to keep finances, particularly those accrued before the marriage, separate.
There are plenty of people who choose each way. It isn’t seen as anything strange to not want to split assets, nor is it seen as being less in love.

I think your apprehension is worrying and so you shouldn’t marry. I had absolutely zero doubts entering my own marriage and 14 years later were still blissfully happy. That being said I’ve seen it with family and friends how easy it is to marry the wrong person.