To ask your honest feelings about marriage

[Lilacsilk]

I have been engaged for two years and am definitely kicking the can down the road here, I think I know deep down that I don’t want to get married. Thinking about it makes me claustrophobic, despite my partner being a good guy, we have our downs but don’t we all. I vehemently don’t believe in changing my name (I know this isn’t necessary but it’s the “norm”), I am indecently pretty wealthy due to inheritance and my partner is not. Whenever I think about it, I almost feel uncomfortable. It seems to me not a proclamation of love but a dated business transaction, one in which there is zero benefit to me as the wealthy party. I have read so much about people trapped in miserable marriages, and hate the idea of this ever happening to me. I want to hear if other people have ever had apprehensions and gone ahead with it, how that worked out, or any wise words really.

That should say independently, not indecently.

Sounds like you don’t want to get married, so don’t.

You could always get a prenup drawn up if it’s purely that preventing you feeling comfortable.

What does he say - is he super keen to start planning the wedding? Maybe it’s ok to just have a ‘commitment ring’ and leave it at that.

I got married to give our children security. Without them, I wouldn't have bothered in truth. With independent wealth, there's no way in hell I'd risk someone grabbing half.

I had a very happy marriage but I wouldn't do it again.

I get the claustrophobic feeling. We used to joke that our perfect setup would be being next door neighbors. Both of us needed space so we were compatible that way.

I’d never get married again. I’m in a currently good married relationship but I’d not do it again.

As someone who was the wealthier of the two I would never recommend marriage! My ex husband cheated a lot. He had never paid a penny of the mortgage on my house but of course the law is a starting point of 50/50 so when i was finally free of the emotional abuse and got out.. he got half the equity in my house and half of everything.

I would have been mortgage free at 50. I'll now be paying it off til 70. I'm constantly broke.

I would never marry again.

But equally.. I wish there was a declaration of love that was seen as valid because I miss being a wife and having that role in my family and society.

I guess if you're with someone who earns similar to you with similar assets there are fewer risks. I was burned hard emotionally and financially.

If you don’t feel the need, don’t do it. I had many relationships but only felt the need to marry when I met my current partner - at 40!

I earn more than my husband and wish I hadn’t got married.

I don't think you should get married as you don't seem to love him.

I’m not sure how you interpreted that from my post, I certainly do. It’s the institution of marriage that I am having a hard time choosing.

Then I take it back. Was just a feeling. Glad I was wrong.

So sorry to hear that and thank you for sharing. It’s stories like this which are exactly why I question it, and there are countless tales of relationships going south over the years even if okay at the start. It just seems like too big of a gamble.

It doesn’t sound like you want to get married which is fine.
I've been with my husband for just over 20 years and I don’t find it remotely suffocating. We both love our space so do our own thing as well as doing things together. We were also quite young and none of us financially stable which made it easier in that way. I took his name because I wanted the same as my kids. There’s nothing transactional about my marriage, we love and respect each other and have built a life together.
But if it’s not for you then don’t do it.

I am very happily married and have been for 26 years, but in your shoes OP, I wouldn't marry him, as if things go wrong he will get half of your assets. Please ignore the previous comment about a pre nup, as they are not legally binding in this country.

I think you owe it to yourself and also to your partner to be honest about the way you feel. You don't want to be married - which is understandable and fine - but if they do, you are wasting their time.

Marriage is an unfair contract which harshly penalises those who own assets & disproportionately benefits those who own none.

I’m ideologically against marriage because if it’s patriarchal history. It literally was a business transaction between men and the woman was the product/item being passed around. I think it removes the incentive for women to be financially independent and encourages outdated structures that are bad for women, and this perpetuates inequality in wider society. I would NEVER change my name.

On the financial side, I have property and earn over double what my partner does, but he has a big chunk of money coming from his parents (not inheritance they’re just offloading their savings onto him to reduce IHT which I also ideologically don’t agree with as a socialist but not my monkeys). Were planning to buy a bigger flat together with his parents money (yes, I’m a hypocritical socialist, I know) and ringfencing our own contributions.

I want to move to another country and if we can do it without marrying we will - but we might have to for visa reasons as only one of us has dual nationality. I have VERY strict criteria for if we have to marry. Bargain basement registry office, no guests (witnesses will be randoms) no fancy clothes, and we’re not telling anyone. I’ll be gritting my teeth all the way through and I really hope it doesn’t come to it. I get the claustrophobic feeling too. I have absolutely no issues with our relationship, I can see it being long term, maybe forever, but I want the freedom to leave without extra complications IF it ever came to that.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head. Don't do it.

I've never been married and I am very happy with that decision. More than half of the people I know who are married, or have been married, regret it and wouldn't do it if they had the time again. The ones who don't regret it aren't happier because they got married, they just got lucky with the right relationship.

If, down the line, you want the legal protection and tax benefit of marriage (which is a good idea if you have children and buy a house together), get a civil partnership with a pre-nup. Don't change your name if you don't want to. When I had my kids I agreed with the dad that girls would get my name and boys his.

I've been happily married for 20 years and didn't have any reservations about hetting married. If you don't want to get married, don't.

Your independently wealthy and he isn't. No I would not get married

I see this reason a lot for changing names and it doesn’t make sense. Why couldn’t he and your kids take your name if having the same one was important? It’s not really a free choice when it only ever goes one way.

I got married because I wanted to have children and have a stable relationship and financial set up. I love my dg dearly but if I’d never wanted kids I don’t know if I’d have been that bothered.
in your position with very different financial positions I’d have to think about it.

@lilacsilki completely agree with everything you said in you OP (except being wealthy!)

Genuine question, how did being a wife change your role in society?

I may sound old fashioned but I like being married.
I like feeling like a team (yes I know you can feel like that not married) I like the fact we publicly declared our love.